Breaking Point
by riverofwords
Summary: The aftermath of Anna's rape and how they rebuilt their relationship was not really shown in the series. This story addresses those issues, the mindsets of both John and Anna, and what may have happened during the healing process. Adult content, mentions of violence and rape.
1. Chapter 1

**AN:**

This is a plot point that was all but ignored on the series, but has been bugging me for some time. I've taken a stab at what the healing process for Anna and John might have been like. I'm posting in chapters, but the work is complete...at least for the moment. This the the first installment. All mistakes are mine. The characters don't belong to me...blah, blah, blah. Any comments/concrit are welcome. This contains adult subject matter and deals with the aftermath of Anna's rape.

 **Ch 1:**

Everyone has one. Some have more than others, but everyone has at least one. What it takes to get there, what pushes one over the edge can simply be a single incident or a confluence of small, unrelated events intersecting to create the perfect storm. For John Bates, it was the latter. Sitting on the repaired settee they had inadvertently broken upon their first inspection of the cottage, John was at his breaking point.

He had spells like this before where his body would cry out for her, but never this intensely. It was always at night, when there were no distractions from the desire stirring within him from things that Anna would do or say during the day. It was always unintentional on her part now, but he has spent so many hours observing and admiring her in the simplest of actions for so very long before they were married that the smallest, most innocent things would stoke the fires of his mind and heart. Sleep was always a problem for him, but had become less of one as he and Anna acclimated to life in their cottage. Since that awful night, his nightmares and insomnia had returned with a vengeance. It had been months since they had been intimate. In the immediate aftermath, his ardor had been dampened by her suffering. His sleepless nights were spent comforting her through nightmares and hovering near the edge of the bed to give her space since her compassion wouldn't allow for him sleeping on the floor and her fear wouldn't allow for him sleeping in another room. Gradually, he was able to chase away her demons and relax enough to return to a more normal sleeping position.

Unfortunately, he was haunted by demons of his own and as Anna became more herself, his guilt and passion for his wife had resurfaced in equal measure. More often than not, John left their bed once he was sure she was in a deep sleep and spent his time downstairs. With guilt and anger nipping at his heels, he paced the room and tortured himself over all the suffering he had put her through since they met. Closing himself off from her. Secretly courting her while he was married. Leaving her to be with Vera. Prison. Green. It was all too much. He was a selfish, foolish man to encourage her the way he did, but he couldn't bring himself to regret it. Other nights it was his sexual desire for her that drove him from their room, but that would usually subside as he dwelled upon their current status and his part in it. Despite all that happened, even in the midst of their latest torment, he was still so much better off now with their life together than with Vera and he vowed to be everything Anna needed him to be.

Tonight, it was raw desire that kept him from slumber. Anna had turned in her sleep and inadvertently brushed his genitals, triggering a swift response from his body that startled him. Not wanting to wake her, lest she be fearful or feel pressured by his obvious desire for her, he slipped out and hurried downstairs. This wasn't the first time he had to deal with his body's desire for her, but it was the first time he was unable to calm himself. Unwilling to take his own pleasure while his wife could not, he employed various methods to control his urges. Nothing had worked tonight and after two long hours here he sat with his shirt discarded on the back of the couch, skin flushed, sweat dripping from his brow and an erection straining against his pajama bottoms. He finally had to push his pants down to his thighs to stop the friction that was making the situation worse. John scrubbed a hand over his face in frustration as his erection stood before him in blatant defiance of his mind. He balled his fists, closed his eyes and willed his hardness to dissipate.

For months on end, he had been diligently trying to repair his marriage. The _incident_ , he refused to voice the word indicative of his precious Anna's violation, had driven a huge wedge between them in all respects: professionally, physically and especially their intimacy. In the early years, whilst their fondness for each other wasn't a well-kept secret, their professionalism and integrity with regard to one another had never been questioned. The events leading up to and the _incident_ itself had changed that. The tension between them brought on by _that man_ played out in full view of the downstairs staff leading up to the day of the concert. His jealousy, her suffering, his failures, his inadequacies, and her shunning him was on full display for the gossipers and trouble makers for weeks on end. The night of the concert, his concern should have been for Anna's well-being, not the warbling woman screeching in a language he didn't care to learn. Because of this and other bad judgements on his part, their lives were torn asunder once again and he didn't know if they would ever emerge from this shadows of isolation, pain and fear.

His eyes strayed over to the table where they sat together for the first time since it happened. Physically, she mostly healed, although she was still a little underweight even now, months later. He could still picture her diminutive form, scared and fragile, trembling as he tried to reassure her that he still loved her in spite of what had happened. That memory had slowly faded to the background as they shared meals and other tasks comfortably together at the table. In so many ways, it was as if he had to start over with her. He vowed that he would have endless patience with her and took the first steps of repairing their intimacy by courting her as he would have so long ago were he unmarried when they met. Although it wasn't easy for either of them, it was slow and steady progress toward their goal. He chalked up each successful outing, even the ones where she couldn't bear to touch him, as a victory.

Slower to return was their ability to communicate with each other, both in words and actions. They both had begun to hide from one another, each evasion of their true feelings putting yet another stone in the walls they were building. He was crippled by the guilt he felt in not being there to protect her and she was crippled by the shame she felt at the violation of her body at the hands of another man. Of course there were many other emotions at play, but the long and short of it was, in some ways, he had lost the best friend he had ever had. He tried in so many ways to reassure her of his love, but as long as he tried to protect her from his darker thoughts they wouldn't heal completely. He so wanted to break down that wall, but he feared that she wasn't yet ready to handle that yet. He took joy in the progress they had made and he would adjust to the situation and help her in any way he could.

The most painful loss, for him, was their intimacy. Not only their sexual intimacy, although that was certainly a part of it, but just the quiet moments they would share in the privacy of their home. The times she would lean against the counter next to him as he scraped the night's stubble from his face, sharing a bit of gossip from the Abbey or her opinion on the latest book she was reading. The times he would wrap his arms around her as she stood at the sink, staring out the window at the modest garden she had cultivated. The smell of her hair as he took the pins out and brushed it for her before she plaited it for the night. The twinkle in her eye as they brushed by one another in the hallway or brushed legs as they sat together passing time. Those small moments which were denied to them for nearly two years while he was locked away in prison. Now they are being denied once more as she is locked in a prison of sorts and he has yet to find the key that will release them both from torment.

John was no stranger to denial of intimacy of any sort. The women he was with before he married were more of an exploration, so he had no problem closing himself off to them. Shortly after he married Vera, it was clear that they would be sexually intimate, but never emotionally so. Soon she denied him sexually as well, and although he wouldn't cheat on her as he suspected she was doing, he would seek release on his own when he was sure she wouldn't appear. This continued during his time in Africa, after his recovery, and through his first imprisonment. He had a vivid imagination and would rather take care of his own needs than to open himself to being vulnerable to another woman. He had nothing to offer at the time and thought nothing more on the subject, until he met Anna.

Initially, he struggled with himself over his attraction to her and the way his body reacted. In some ways he was like a young man again, feeling desire at the most inopportune times. He would deny himself the release his body craved, not wanting to sully her by his imaginings, yet unable to think of anyone or anything else as his desire built day by day. After a most embarrassing episode in which he nearly was caught out with tented trousers in the servant's hall, he finally decided he had to get some form of release so that he could function without causing embarrassment to himself, to Anna or anyone else.

Fortunately, John had a single room at Downton. Whether by providence or just because no one else wanted to room with the cripple, it allowed him a small bit of freedom and privacy. When he suffered a nightmare, no one was the wiser for it. When his leg played up and had him writhing in pain, he could suffer in silence alone without bothering anyone or drawing undue attention to himself. When he finally succumbed to his body's need for release, he was alone with his thoughts and under no scrutiny.

In prison, John only indulged his baser needs when absolutely necessary and had learned how to hide what he was doing from his first tenure behind bars. The fact that they only shared the one night together did not hinder him from finding a climax. He thought that they would fare better together than he and Vera did, but worried upon his release from prison that actually living together might reveal incompatibilities that weren't visible under such restrained conditions of their jobs and living environment. His worries turned out to be unfounded, as their love for each other and struggle to be together smoothed out annoyances and quirks that would become points of contention in other relationships.

She was a virgin when they married, but they had shared some intimacies during their long and unorthodox courtship. Summers were their weakest times, allowing them little relief from the heat of the season or the heat of their desires. They spent a few summer evenings nestled away in a sheltered wood, free from their many layers of propriety due to their more casual dress after hours, exploring one another without haste. While he would never compromise her honor by consummating their relationship before marriage, he whispered to her words of devotion while he felt the curves of her body and tasted the salt from her skin. Things took a more intimate turn after he returned to Downton from Kirkbymoorside because she needed reassurance from him that words could not provide. He would never forget the sight of the first orgasm he drew from her or the feeling of her trembling in his arms as he quietly explained away her confusion. Once they were married and he was finally free to embark upon married life with her, he found that she blossomed in her sexuality. She overcame her shyness with him and they had many frank discussions about sex at her request. Ever eager to learn new things, they had tried many things and discovered one another's likes, dislikes, desires, and fantasies. All that had changed now and he wondered if they would ever gain any form of sexual intimacy back.

His mind wandered back to his current situation and the relentless tension coiled in his body. His cock was hard. His body was trembling. Tension rippled over his strained muscles and shame began to wash over him as his body continued to betray his will. Tears fell unnoticed from his eyes as he clenched his fists, hunched forward with his head hung in defeat.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN:** Thanks for the kind reviews. This work will move back and forth between Anna's and John's perspectives, but not necessarily with a pattern. This chapter gives some insight into Anna's perspective. Enjoy and thanks for reading! :)

Ch 2

Anna started awake, sitting up in bed trying to gain her bearings. She looked for her husband next to her and found it empty. A caress of the space told her he had been gone for some time...again. She was used to finding him gone from the bed early on in their residence here at the cottage. She suspected that he had troubles sleeping at the Abbey, but found out it was much worse than she thought. He said that his stay in prison had made it worse for him, but assured her that time and her love would help smooth out his sleeping patterns and hold his nightmares at bay. It took less time than she thought it would for him to acclimate to sharing a bed with her, but now it seems that he is downstairs lurking about nearly every night. She brought her fists down on the mattress, but it did little to sate her frustration. She was at her breaking point with this whole situation brought about by her one lapse in judgement and oh what a lapse it was.

She had no idea what she was thinking when she allowed that man, Green, to talk to her and get close to her as he had done. Hindsight told her it was probably because of the jealousy she thought it sparked in her husband. She got a small glimpse of this part of his nature when Mr. Molesley had inquired about her availability at the garden party. She had questioned John later that evening after an awkward conversation with Mr. Molesley. John was torn between the jealousy Molesley inspired in him with his inquiry and his sense of honor knowing he had no claim to her as a married man. She was quite pleased at this chink in his armor because it showed the depth of his feelings for her and made the normally stoic man squirm.

When she first became aware of his distaste for the vile man who became her attacker, she assumed it was jealousy. Her normally reserved husband couldn't seem to hide his displeasure and it made her take pause. She wanted to see how much of a reaction she could get from him and what form would it take. After watching John's reactions on their chance encounters throughout the day, she knew that she was getting to him. Unfortunately, _he_ took it the wrong way and made disparaging remarks about John and their life together. At the time she thought he took liberties, but thinking back she realized that her actions indicated something she had not intended or even considered. She had told him in no uncertain terms that she was happy with John, but as they say, actions speak louder than words and to a man without her husband's honor, she was fair game.

She felt her face burn with shame when she thought of her actions and what turmoil they caused John before and after the _incident_. She knew how hard his life was and how much effort he put into becoming a better man. She knew a lot of the humiliations he suffered at the hands of Vera, who emasculated him before and after the war. She knew a lot of the horrific sights he witnessed and the terrible things he was ordered to do as a soldier. She knew of the sacrifice he made for Lord Grantham, whom he loved as a brother and served without question. She knew of the penance he put himself through to spare others - going to jail for Vera, leaving with Vera to save her and Lord Grantham's family from scandal, suffering his own pain to serve Lord Grantham's family and even denying his own feelings to try and save her the pain of his baggage. She knew how much he doubted himself and worked tirelessly to make him believe that he deserved to be happy and he was more than worthy of her love.

She knew and yet she pushed John right back into doubting himself, for that's what he did. She knew he would never blame her, not for what she had done with the awful Mr. Green. He would assume that he had failed her and it was his fault. She truly hated herself for opening that well of doubt once more, for not listening to her husband, and for not trusting him enough to confess that Mr. Green did make her uncomfortable by saying truly awful, personal things and being nearer to her than she would like. Knowing what she did now from John's stories of what men like Green did in Africa, perhaps it would have happened anyway but she wouldn't have inflicted so much damage to John.

She was a stupid, stupid girl who should have listened to her husband. John had always made her feel good about herself. He valued her opinions and challenged her beliefs to find out where her passions lie and how she saw the world. He really listened to her and gave her the confidence to stand up to him when they didn't agree. He allowed her to be her own person; his equal in all things, not a trophy on his arm or a doll for his bed. He valued her, protected her and cherished her. She thought she did the same for him, but in this case she didn't and it cost them both dearly. Something had to give. Anna could no longer live this life with him of half-truths, hidden feelings, virtually no communication and awkwardness. They were better than this and had been better than this. Two things were very clear to Anna: he no longer desired her physically and yet he still loved her deeply. She really couldn't blame him for the former. What man would want their wife after someone else had taken them, consensually or not?

Perhaps they might be able to reclaim what they had before marriage, though, since it was obvious he was still devoted to her. She had to try because they can't live in this hell anymore. It was her actions and subsequent lies that got them here and despite all his efforts, she hadn't really given him a chance. How could she when half the time she was walking around in a stupor and the other half she was hiding things from him? If this continued, they would never make it out of the shadows and she would spoil their love forever. No, it had to be tonight. It had to be now.

Trembling with fear and determination, Anna grabbed her shawl and quietly made her way to the stairs. She didn't want to startle John by bounding in the room at this ungodly hour if he was sleeping. Creeping down the first steps, nothing could have prepared her for what she saw before her.

Anna's jaw dropped open at the sight of her husband. She had watched him many times before at night while he was unaware of her presence. In those times, he would mostly pace and grab fistfuls of his hair as he struggled alone with his demons. She wanted to go to him, but she knew he would shut down to keep from burdening her. She really didn't expect any different because she was doing the same to him. Long gone were the days where they shared everything with one another. This...this was different than anything she had ever seen or heard of before. Her eyes wandered over him, taking in his appearance as she tightened the shawl around her to stave off the cold. His shirt was discarded and he was hunched over forward with clenched fists. His hair appeared to be somewhat wet as if he were sweating and his skin was red, perhaps from the cold. Her first thought was maybe he had a fever. While he hadn't been sick since they moved in the cottage, he would sometimes grow feverish when his leg was particularly bad. She thought maybe his leg was bothering him tonight, until he rolled his body back and stared straight ahead to the front door.

Her breath caught in her throat as his torment was finally revealed to her. A look of pure anguish was on his face, his knuckles were white and he had an erection straining upwards from his thighs, where his pants were pushed out of the way. What on earth could he be doing down here in such a state? It was freezing down here and surely if he were going to take care of matters, he would have done so already. This meant he was denying himself, but why? He had told her how men managed their urges when away from their wives, at her insistence, so this was not new to him... Her stomach recoiled as realization washed over her. He would never allow himself to take his pleasure before her. This had been true in their premarital explorations, in their first time as man and wife, and all throughout their marriage. She had only been able to get him to climax before her once or twice, and for that she paid dearly and exquisitely as he brought her to pleasure so many times she literally couldn't move or think. She brought her hand to her mouth to stifle the sob that escaped from her.

How could she have thought that he didn't desire her all this time, when it was suddenly so clear that he was protecting her from himself? All the times he had turned his back to her in bed. The times he embraced her but no longer snugged her body to his. The way he folded his fingers around hers instead of intertwining them and stroking her palm as he used to. The way he would put a pillow in his lap before he beckoned her to sit there in his arms to comfort her. All this time she spent feeling sorry for herself and hiding her disappointment from him because she thought he didn't want her. She took it for granted that he... No, that wasn't right. She never considered what he might need, or want, or what he would have to deal with as a result of what happened to her.

Initially, she was terrified that he would kill Green and that consumed her every thought. Once John had cornered her, she told him most of the truth while trying to convince herself that he would never know. She should have known better. John was a man of experience and intelligence. He knew she was lying to him and in his graciousness allowed her to believe that until she finally confessed to him. Things got better for her once she told him; the nightmares waned and she started to live again bit by bit. She had been so focused on her own suffering, she never imagined what he would be suffering. She just took from him, like a parasite and gave nothing in return. Did her cruelty to him have no end? Tears rolled down her cheeks as her chest heaved. She watched him tremble in the chair, suffering in the cold and felt she had to go to him, but how to do so without embarrassing him?

He turned his head away from her general direction toward the fireplace, so she took the opportunity to descend the stairs and approach him. He didn't seem to sense her proximity, so she took a moment to study him. His hair was indeed wet with his perspiration, as was his skin. She saw the traces of tears marking his cheeks and she could smell the musk of his arousal. She closed her eyes and inhaled his scent, sparking an awakening of her own senses. Her eyes opened in shock as she realized that she wasn't repulsed by his current state. She had honestly thought she would never feel arousal again, yet her body was beginning to respond to his. It was as if she suddenly came to life. Colors were more vibrant. Scents more vivid. Her body thrummed with nervous tension, similar to their wedding night, yet this wasn't born of inexperience or naiveté. Guilt, shame, anticipation and even arousal were swirling about, but it was the desperate need to help John that had her on edge. Their relationship in many ways had reverted back to how it was in the early days, including him denying any offer she made of support. Back then she had to tread carefully for so many reasons. Now she at least had the benefit of being his wife and knowing him so much better.

Encouraged by this new progression, she positioned herself behind him as she tried to decide what he would allow. Closing her eyes, she breathed him in once more and leaned down, placing her hands gently on the heated skin of his shoulders and her lips near his ear.

" _John_."


	3. Chapter 3

**AN:** The disclaimer I forgot to add in Ch 1 - I don't own these characters and have only borrowed them for a short time. All mistakes are my own. Thank you for those who are reading and/or reviewing and sharing this journey with me. I have worked on this for a considerable time, but don't like publishing WIP's as my last was started in 2009 and finally finished this month after a long hiatus. Please enjoy and if you would like share your thoughts in a review. It is most interesting to see what people think and what catches their attention. John's and Anna's perspectives are both shown in this chapter.

Ch 3

" _John_."

She whispered his name, an act of intimacy she hadn't yet shared with him since it happened. It was a plea, an apology, an affirmation of her love and a prayer. It held all the nuances of what she couldn't say at the moment and she knew he would hear everything. She had finally awoken from her catatonic like state and he desperately needed her to be strong enough to grant him permission to be weak. She felt him tense and try to move, but she held firm to his shoulders. Keeping her tone quiet and her touch gentle but firm enough to keep him seated, she allowed him time to settle into her touch before she moved her arms down his chest in a partial embrace.

"Don't get up, John. It's okay. I know you're suffering, my love. Take your pleasure, John. Let go."

"Anna, I...I can't."

His body started trembling beneath her. She knew he was still fighting against it, so she came around the settee and settled on her knees facing him from the side, using the back of the settee for balance. She took his hand in hers and guided it to his erection, encouraging him to stroke himself.

"You can, John. _We_ can."

Anna twined her fingers with his and encircled him, stroking up and down, remembering what he liked. Only a few strokes were needed before his body released stream after stream of cum. She glanced at him while she tenderly finished him; her brow furrowing as he hid his face behind his hands. Removing her shawl, she cleaned him up, cast it aside and then moved to straddle him. This would be the hardest part for them, opening the wounds and breaking down the walls they built around their hearts, but it had to be done and it had to be now. She couldn't let him move away and create distance. If he did, they might never move past this. Her husband needed her.

"John..."

Her hands skimmed the length of his forearms until they reached his. She stroked the back of his hands for a moment, savoring the feel of his skin beneath hers. When he finally started to drop his hands away from his face, she caught them with her own and tightened her grip for a moment, then let go to embrace him. Slowly she wrapped her arms tightly around his neck, pulling herself flush to him and burying her face into his neck. His body relaxed under her and she felt his arms pull her close. For a few moments, she took solace in his arms, but she pulled away. There was so much more that needed to happen. That she needed to do for him.

She placed her hands upon his cheeks and held his face, making sure he looked into her eyes as she spoke.

"John, we can't live the way we are anymore. It has to stop. I owe you an explanation and an apology, though neither can begin to make up for the time we've lost."

His incredulity was immediately apparent, but she refused to let him bear this cross alone any longer. She put her fingers over his mouth before any words were said.

"No, John. Not this time. You need to listen to me and in turn I will listen to you."

She raised her eyebrow, in silent questioning, and removed her hand from his mouth once he nodded his affirmation. The tenderness in his eyes was almost enough for her to lose her composure, but she was determined to follow through with her plan. Needing a minute to compose her thoughts, she reached for his shirt and put it on him. She then moved off of him so that he could fix his pants and she could grab the blanket at the end of the couch. Once he was settled, she resumed her earlier position and allowed him to wrap the blanket around them.

"I know you don't think it's true, but I owe you an apology. You see, when _he_ first came around I really didn't notice anything until I saw your reaction to him. It reminded me of the time you warned Molesley away from me as a suitor and I assumed you were jealous of him. I wanted to see how much of a reaction I could get out of you. You're always so composed and reserved at the Abbey. I guess I wanted to see what you would do or say."

She saw the pain in his expression and couldn't hold his gaze. She realized he never considered that any of her actions were purposeful and she was ashamed. His fingers tucked under her chin so she would meet his gaze again. She saw the forgiveness in his eyes and her own filled with tears.

"I'm so very sorry, John. You've always worked so diligently to be a better man and yet you doubted yourself. It took years for you to believe in what I and others saw in you and I intentionally sowed seeds of doubt in your life again. It was cruel, although I didn't understand that at the time and it wasn't until tonight that I understood how cruel my actions were. Not only that, but now I understand how my actions gave him the wrong impression of me, of us and our relationship. We've talked about this before, and I understand that it wasn't my fault and that it probably would've happened no matter what I said or did. Regardless, my actions hurt you and my provocation drove you to behavior that was uncharacteristic of you and as such our relationship became a subject of public gossip. It shames me to have done this to you and to us. It shames me to be like her."

"Anna, please look at me."

She couldn't refuse him, even as silent tears of shame and embarrassment fell from her eyes. Unable to speak, she returned her gaze to his as he spoke to her.

"What you did isn't unheard of and is part of exploring the boundaries of a marriage. I won't say it didn't hurt me, because we both know otherwise. However, I don't accept that as cruelty. I know you Anna May Smith Bates. You are not cruel and you are certainly nothing like Vera, so I won't hear you speak those words ever again. I accept your apology for hurting me and I have forgiven you. You are not cruel. You are not at fault for what happened to you. You are not at fault for the aftermath. You and I have not had an easy road and we never can seem to keep the shadows and demons at bay, but know this: I would do it all again without reservation, because without them I would have never experienced the utter bliss of loving you and being loved by you. You are my world, Anna."

John looked at his wife in wonder. Her strength and tenacity never ceased to amaze him. Here she was again coming to his rescue, but in this moment he could not feel that it was wrong. He had to leave it up to her to come to him on her own terms. He would never force any form of intimacy upon her, yet here she was straddling him after sating his body and it felt so wonderful to have the weight of her upon him, her scent lingering in the air and her breath caressing his skin. He pulled her close again, slowly and loosely so she didn't feel trapped, and started to whisper his thoughts to her.

"Oh, Anna. I love you so much. I... I..."

His voice trailed off as he thought better of speaking of how much he missed this: holding her, touching her, being in an embrace of intimacy rather than comfort. He didn't want to push her and it seemed like she had more to say. Perhaps he could get a better idea of what she wanted from him.

"I know, John. We've been through so much and after we finally put your false imprisonment behind us, I thought all the obstacles were cleared. We were happy and content, but I didn't protect our love as you did. I should have listened to you. You tried to talk to me and warn me. When that didn't work, you snapped at me and I still didn't get it. Instead of heeding the words you spoke or the warning in your uncharacteristic behavior, I felt empowered and indignant. You have always treated me with respect and once you were free to open yourself to me, you made me feel like your equal. My naiveté combined with your support made me feel as if I had nothing left to learn from you. I know now that your instincts were so very right and I never should have given you reason to be jealous of anyone after we were married. After all we went through to reach our union, I should have made you feel secure as my partner, my lover, my friend, and my soulmate as you did for me."

"Perhaps, there was no other way for me to learn this lesson. As we both know, I'm a stubborn creature once my mind is made up, but I wish I could turn back the hands of time and redo those few weeks when _he_ showed up. Even if it still happened, perhaps I could have relied on you rather than push you away. Who knows? What I do know is that I married a man of great intelligence, experience and wisdom, all things that I admire you for and yet I didn't even bother to listen or even heed the importance of what you tried to tell me."

"I know it can't be undone, John, but I won't be so careless with your feelings or our love again. I was terrified of your reaction to what happened and by whom, and I tried to protect you by pushing you away. Mrs. Hughes told me it was wrong to do so, but I couldn't see past my own suffering and pain. I shut you out then and I've continued to do so right up until I touched your skin again for the first time tonight. I know we've embraced and held hands, but it's been so long since I allowed my fingers to caress you in any form of intimacy. I've not considered you at all in this whole process of healing and yet here you are, day in and day out, without complaint tending to my every need, bearing my every mood and enduring my isolation."

"When I woke up in bed tonight, I was so frustrated because yet again I woke up and you weren't by my side. I honestly believed that you no longer desired me sexually, but I never once doubted your devotion to me. I knew things had to change because this separation is slowly mounting every day we hold back our feelings and words. How long before this invisible wall becomes insurmountable? I came downstairs to watch you, as I have on many occasions, but tonight I was determined that things would change and I knew that it was up to me to show you I was ready. You always put my needs before yours, especially in this matter. At first, seeing you hunched over and sweating, I assumed your leg was keeping you up. When you sat up and I realized what was going on, it suddenly all made sense. You weren't repulsed by me, you were protecting me from the pressure of your desire. Once again sacrificing your needs to put mine first."

His eyes widened in shock. He never realized that she had been watching him. He never realized that she knew how often he left their bed. He never realized that she was just as frustrated with the growing wall between them. Not wanting to stop her, he tried to let what he felt show in his eyes and expression.

"You didn't know I was watching. You didn't know I knew when you left. I'm sure it wasn't all the time, but I could tell when you had been gone for hours and when you had just left. I never woke when you were leaving, always after. Even then, I only thought of myself and how you were hiding things from me. As if I was allowed to do so and you were not. I never gave you the chance to grieve, to cry, to yell, to vent, or to heal. I never considered what you might be suffering, physically or mentally. I never thought of what you might need from me or from someone else who you might confide in."

"I'm sorry John. For not listening to you. For not cherishing you. For not considering you at all. I've been so selfish and needy that I have pushed you back into the man you were before you came to me. Hiding your feelings. Censoring your words. Restraining your passion."

He looked at her as the tears fell silently from his eyes. She was so observant and so correct in many things. She was so brave, putting all her doubts, fears, regrets and mistakes out in the open. She knew him so well. He wondered if she could handle what's been lurking in the deepest recesses of his mind.

"John, please say what's on your mind. I don't want you to hold back anymore. Whatever it is, I won't chide you for it. I know how your mind works and can only imagine what doubts it has conjured into being. Confess them to me. Get them out and then we can start being us again. I want to show you that I can be there for you as you have been for me."

Her hands skimmed his shoulders as she pulled him into her embrace and his heart finally broke open. He tried to suppress the sobs he knew would come, but he didn't have the strength or stamina. He just gave in.


	4. Chapter 4

**AN:** Thank you for continuing on this journey with me. I am grateful to those who take the time to leave comments. On we go with Anna and John and more confessions. There are several more chapters, but it's getting difficult to find a good chapter's end point so there may be fewer longer chapters for continuity's sake. I don't know why Mr. Fellowes chose to torture this couple as much as he did...if they were mine their journey would've been much different. :)

Ch 4

Anna wrapped her husband in her arms and tried to comfort him as best she could. Her silent tears mingled with his as they shared the tidal wave of his grief. She stroked his hair at the nape of his neck and kept whispering to him as wave after wave of sorrow poured out of his soul. It was some time before he quieted and regained some of his composure. She could feel him shivering. His hair was still damp and the room had no source of heat at the moment, so she decided they should move upstairs.

"John, let's go upstairs. I still need to hear what you have to say, but you're shivering and it's too cold to be down here."

He nodded as she moved off of him. He looked so worn out and he offered no protest as she held her hands out to help him up, which indicated that the cold had stiffened his leg. He took his cane from her and she moved to his free hand, taking it in hers. A small smile graced her lips as she felt his fingers interlock with her own for the first time in months. Slowly they made their way upstairs. She moved to get under the covers of the bed, while he took a moment to wash up. She propped up her head on her hand and watched him as he came across the room to her. He was naked, having discarded his damp night clothes. He moved to go put on a clean set, but she shook her head when he met her eyes. There was still a hesitance in his demeanor, but he seemed much calmer and more open than he had in some time. A small grin blossomed on his face as he let his eyes roam over her body, illuminated by the full moon shining outside. She returned it and held up the bed clothes in invitation for him to join her.

His weight moved the bed and this time she didn't tense. He remained apart from her, separating himself to the very inch he had no doubt calculated as the exact distance she would allow him to come to her without causing her to tense up. Tonight she was feeling different. Not knowing how long it would last, she wanted to take full advantage of it. If there was one thing they both learned from this ordeal, it was that progress made on one day didn't always mean it was the same the next day.

"John, come closer."

He shifted a bit more towards her, fear and apprehension in his eyes.

"Closer, John."

"I can't Anna."

"Why ever not?"

She watched the emotions as they flickered across his features, no doubt concerned about her reaction to him. Would they ever get past this awkwardness and hesitation?

He searched her eyes, always the windows to her soul before she had been violated. Tonight he saw a spark and an openness that hasn't been there in recent months. There was strength about her, rather than vulnerability, and it was nothing less than a miracle to him. She was right. It was time and he had to be completely honest with her so the barriers would be gone.

"Oh Anna, I'm afraid. You saw me downstairs. What if it happens again? You've worked so hard to gain every ounce of progress made since…well you know…and I don't want to let my weaknesses negate how far you've come."

He heaved a heavy sigh and brought his eyes back to hers. Ashamed that she saw him in that state. Embarrassed by his emotional breakdown. Disappointed that he wasn't strong enough for her. She ought not to be focused on him.

"John, I need you to listen to me and trust my words. We agreed to be honest and open with each other tonight, did we not?"

He only nodded, noting the seriousness of her tone and expression.

"You still have some sharing to do, but you need to know this first. I honestly thought I was ruined for you. Spoiled. Dirty. I thought you could never see me without the stains of his violation. And even if you could, I was convinced that I could never want that or express that need ever again. I was cold for a very long time. Then I became numb to everything. I didn't feel. I didn't see. I didn't experience anything. It was as if the colors and sounds were gone. When I woke up tonight, I felt angry and frustrated. Don't you see, John? I woke up tonight. I've observed you many times before, but tonight I was determined to do something about this awful shadow being cast over us. This wall that we've built dividing us. I came downstairs and suddenly became aware of my surroundings. I finally saw beyond myself and then I saw you. My beautiful, generous husband in torment, in anguish. I saw everything, John and I wasn't scared or repulsed."

"On the contrary, even despite the feelings of guilt and shame I felt the small stirrings of arousal. Desire, John. We will be able to reclaim what we had, John, I'm certain of it. Tell me, John. Confess your torments. Unchain your demons and name them. Set them free so that there is nothing left secret between us."

He inched forward, wanting nothing more than to wrap his arms around her and just bask in the warmth of her body. Rolling to her back and opening her arms, she folded herself around him as he situated himself next to her. He breathed deeply, enjoying the proximity but tried to keep his lower half from touching her. He felt her hands pull him to her and close the distance he left between himself and her body. It was becoming apparent, at least for tonight, that Anna had come back to herself and was intent on caring for him and his needs. He decided to let her do what she wanted and follow her lead, too tired to do otherwise.

After indulging in their embrace for several minutes, John rolled to his back and stared at the ceiling. He felt her nestle against his side and put his arm around her sighing deeply. Where did he begin?

"Anna, I've never been a confident man. Because of my size and reserved nature, people left me alone and mistook my insecurity and reserve for confidence. I did alright for myself, but I never seemed to be able to control my temper. When Vera and I were together, as I've shared with you, she would insult and belittle me. It was much worse after I returned from the war and we both were drunk. I opened my heart and soul to her and she decimated it. I swore I'd never trust another woman again. Then I met you and everything I knew changed. We've been through so much together and finally had time to learn to be married and live together. Share things. Make new traditions and honor our past. I had to learn how to be happy because I had never experienced anything like our friendship or relationship ever in my life."

"I've always wanted you to be happy and marveled at your inner strength and beauty. I never once questioned your fidelity to me. My problem with _him_ was that he personified the idea of who I thought you deserved. Someone who could chase you in a field on a summer's day or carry you home if you sprained your ankle on a walk. Someone who had a good job and who wouldn't have to rely on someone else's generosity or pity if they lost the job. Someone who didn't have to suppress the urge to drink or fight when things didn't go their way. Someone who could give you a child. I've always wanted the best in all things for you, even before him. It was my insecurity that fed the jealousy I felt and the more weakness I showed in front of everyone, including you, the more people watched and whispered about my failings."

"I've failed you so many times over the years, but never has my failure been more complete than the night of your attack. I failed to be there for you. I failed to see through the lies you told. I failed to be the man of honor that you needed. A man whose actions or motives you wouldn't have to question. A man whose temper wasn't out of control. A man you wouldn't have to protect from himself. A man whose past wouldn't tarnish the present."

He squeezed her a bit, as he let his words settle around them. She had taught him so much about himself and he had begun to believe more and doubt less as their married life began in earnest. The doubts still lingered in the far recesses of his mind and began to grow and flourish once more in the wake of the latest storm to disrupt their lives. He felt her tense a bit, most likely in protest, so he preempted her as she had him.

"If I am to name the demons, my dear, you must meet them. I know that it is down to you that they receded for so long, before their emergence from the shadows once again. You need not tell me I am wrong. My rational mind knows that hindsight is perfect, but my critical mind reveals my weaknesses and failures along the way. I had no way of knowing what was happening, yet I convinced myself that I should have sensed it. We always had a strong connection. Strong enough that I believed I could sense when you entered the room even if I wasn't in a position to confirm it by sight. I never should've let you go downstairs alone. I even considered following you to apologize for bringing shame to myself and to us by acting like a blustering fool and yelling at you in front all of our friends and colleagues. Stupid, foolish man that I was, I feared that you might reject me and were most likely still angry with me. Up until that point, we really had not experienced a row as a married couple. Oh how I wish I could go back and relive that 24 hours differently, my darling Anna. I've not been able to forgive myself for not being there for you when you needed me the most."

Anna's embrace of him tightened in the wake of his confession. He could feel her tears upon his skin and felt her body move as the sadness escaped from her.

"I forgive you, John. I don't believe you have any guilt in the matter, but I know that you need me to forgive you. Accept my forgiveness, John and let the light of it banish your doubts and guilt from your heart. For it is down to you that we are here, heart to heart – skin to skin – soul to soul, even after all that transpired. Your unending patience, tolerance, love and tenderness has allowed me to grieve, simmer with anger, hide and finally heal. If it makes you feel better, consider your faithful care of me as your penance for your perceived failures. Forgive yourself and forgive me. Let go of that which haunts you in the long stretches of sleepless nights. Come back to me my love. Let us shun the demons with the light of our love."

John felt his tears begin to flow once more as he let Anna's words into his heart. He felt her fingers stroke gently through his hair as she propped herself up to look at him, seemingly not bothered by her breasts brushing against his side without any cloth between them. He tensed as he felt the slight stirrings of desire for her at the tingle of her nails gently tracing a path along his scalp. He closed his eyes, scared of his body once again betraying him in his exhaustion.

"John, what is it? Are you not comfortable with me touching you? You are always so careful to ask me or yield to me and yet I never thought to ask you…is this ok?"

John sighed, knowing that his actions caused her to doubt herself so soon after she was able to come to him with strength and confidence just a short time ago.

"I know that sigh, John Bates. Tell me what is on your mind about us. About our intimacy and the lack of it the past months. Tell me, John. Let's be rid of all of this wall between us. It may end up awkward or I may be set back again tomorrow, but let me hear it so we don't have to hide from each other anymore. It will probably hurt to see me flinch in the future, but surely it would be better than this purgatory I have put us in of late between my numbness and doubts and your hiding and denial of your body's natural release. Let us face this part of healing together, not separately. Please, John…you trusted me enough to open your heart to me before we were able to marry. Trust me now. Trust our love and devotion to each other."

Exhausted from lack of sleep and the emotional breakdown he had earlier, John decided just to clear the air. He wanted to censor his thoughts for her, but it wouldn't be fair after her genuine honesty earlier tonight.

"I'm comfortable with your touch, Anna, but the desire I feel building inside of me feels like a betrayal after everything you've suffered and endured. After so many years of making due with the smallest tokens of affection when we began our unconventional courtship, it is sometimes the smallest thing that lights the fire inside of me. A glance across the room or the way your hand trails down the banister of the stairs in the servants' hall. It was those minute, innocent gestures that fueled my imagination back then, which became more deliberate as our friendship deepened into something so much more and your confidence in me grew. But now you are changed and there is no intention in your actions, yet my body and mind respond even though they shouldn't. How could I ever approach you in such a state and not repulse you or scare you? I'm a bear of a man, Anna. So much bigger and more powerful than you and I don't want the force of my desire to ever be a source of fear or intimidation to you. What else could I do but hide? If you weren't repulsed, then you would probably feel guilty over it. You've already admitted to thinking yourself cruel. What good can possibly come of my inability to control these carnal desires? How can you not be afraid of me when I am so much bigger in stature than even _him_?"

John sighed again, knowing there was more to be said, but quickly running out of the will to speak. He just wanted to hold Anna in his arms as he used to and forget for a few hours that things might be completely different tomorrow and they may have to start over.

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

**AN:** I know it sound repetitive, but I do thank you for your readership and for those who took the extra time to leave a comment. It's nice to know how my work is received and that it is, in fact, being read. We've been with John and Anna as they clear the air and take down the stones in the wall. Now we begin to see the attempted return to physical intimacy and their continued healing. There are 8 chapters total and possibly an epilogue, if my muse cooperates. This chapter is slightly longer than average...enjoy!

Ch 5

Anna's heart broke for John as he spoke of his struggle to stifle his natural desire for her. His love for her was always so beautiful and passionate. It made her feel safe, loved and desired. Having grown up in the Abbey, her exposure to relationships was limited to the household and her own family. She had witnessed devotion and companionship, but never the passionate side of love. Their life together in the cottage was a revelation. Surely, not every marriage was like theirs. Even John had a miserable go of it the first time he had married. No, Anna knew without a doubt that what they had was very special and now John was punishing himself for the physical expression of his love for her. She let her gaze roam over his face as he struggled with himself.

"I can't utter the words of my thoughts to you. They would hurt you Anna and there has been far too much of that already."

"You must voice them, John. Do you hold against me what I said to you all those times I was pushing you away? Do you hold my lies against me now? You must tell me, John, if we are to eliminate this awful wall between us."

"Of course I don't hold anything you said or did against you. It's completely different…the violence was enacted upon you, not me. I would never hold any of that against you. I love you."

"And I love you. You're right, John. It was different for me. Even though I isolated myself, I still had the support of Mrs. Hughes and later Lady Mary. I had the concern and support of most of the house. I had the knowledge of what happened and knew all the reasons for my behavior. And what did you have? Suspicions, whisperings, and accusations from those who should know you better. An empty cottage. A deceitful wife who wanted nothing to do with you. A wife who flinched away from your touch. A wife who stopped being a wife altogether. I avoided you. I yelled at you. I refused to speak to you. I was cold to you. And I did all that in full view of all of our colleagues. As if that weren't enough punishment for you, I moved out of our home. I resented you for trying to follow me and anticipate where I'd be. For forcing me to face you each morning at the bottom of the stairs. For forcing Mrs. Hughes into telling you my secrets and lies. I resented you for these things because they exemplified the love that I felt I no longer deserved. Each time I looked in your eyes I could see your love clouded by the pain, confusion, disappointment and sadness. You feel guilty for not being able to prevent what happened to me. I get that, but we both know that you did nothing to cause what happened to me."

Anna stopped and took a breath to gather her thoughts and gauge John's reaction to her words. She could see that he was surprised at how she perceived what happened and thought that it may not have occurred to him to see things from that perspective. She had only just seen this for herself tonight after waking up from this ongoing nightmare. She met his gaze and he nodded at her to continue. She smiled at him. He knew her so well.

"I, on the other hand, was the sole perpetrator of the wrongs against you. You were right, you know. Even though I still hate that you uttered the words aloud, you were spot on. One day your life was perfect and the next it lay in ruins. No one stuck up for you publicly, though Mrs. Hughes did in private conversations with me. No one listened to you. No one counseled you for your benefit. I know Mrs. Hughes told me to go to you and tell you the truth, but it was for my benefit. She knew I needed you. I know you, John. You don't have anyone you confide in besides me, now that your dear mother is gone. I know that Lord Grantham is a brother to you, but you would never burden him with your personal issues unless you require his leave on a matter. You were alone, confused, angry, grieving and overwhelmed. You deserved better from all of us, but I can only apologize for myself and my actions."

Anna realized that she touched on something he didn't want to give voice to when she heard his breath hitch and saw his eyes close. Her heart broke once more for him as she watched him.

"Tell me, John."

"It felt as if I lost my best friend. I was never really open with anyone the way I was with you. Not even my mother, as I didn't want to burden her with things like the realities of prison and war. I certainly didn't want to admit how bad things were with Vera, but she knew that much. When I finally allowed myself to accept your love, it was astounding. It wasn't overnight, but I gradually came to understand that I could share everything with you. My doubts, my fears, my past, my demons and it freed me to be a better man for you. When it all fell apart so quickly and then when you changed so drastically, I couldn't comprehend what was happening. All I could think of was that whatever spell was cast over you to see me in such a positive light must have finally faltered. Be it a better man, or just the idea of one, I believed that you had finally seen me for the weak and shameful wretch that I was. The fact that you were violated never crossed my mind, even though I have seen women in such a state before. My brain couldn't make sense of the fact that violence of that nature could occur here and could happen to you. I felt so lost and so alone, yet I didn't want to let you go. If you decided you needed fulfillment from another source, I was willing to live with that so as not to lose you. You are so much a part of me that I stopped being whole when you left. I felt as an empty shell until I got to the Abbey and saw you at the start of the day. I know you hated it, but I was willing to make you uncomfortable for the few seconds that I could look upon your countenance and pretend that nothing was wrong. I don't want to lose you Anna. I will love you however, whenever, whatever so long as there is a breath in my lungs."

He shuddered as she drew him to her and held him in her arms. She pressed her body to his not wanting any distance between them on this night. There was one more area that she knows he has been avoiding and despite her wanting to avoid this also, she must press forward.

"John, there is one last subject we need to discuss before we can move forward. I know that you don't want anyone to know the darkest thoughts that haunt you, but we have to talk about them."

"You are right once again, Anna, and it shames me to have these thoughts. May I ask, for both our sakes, that I not give voice to these thoughts in the dark of night which gives these thoughts more power and makes them more terrible? Tomorrow is Sunday and neither of us are required at the Abbey. Let us leave the treacherous conjuring of my mind buried until tomorrow, when we are in the light of day. I promise you that we will talk of the last of what I have been keeping from you and our complete honesty will be restored."

Anna considered her husband and his words. He was so vulnerable tonight after months of not sleeping properly and no one looking after his well-being. He had secured tomorrow off for them as both Lord and Lady Grantham are ill and not likely to leave their rooms. Mary granted her time off to spend time together knowing the problems they are having still. Not knowing how long this reprieve of hers would last, she intended to use this time to care for John as he had selflessly cared for her.

"I will hold you to that promise, my love."

"I will make good on it, although it won't be pleasant for either of us. I will make it up to you afterwards in whatever manner you would like – you have naught to do other than name your wish."

"You have no need to make anything up to me, John. You already do so much more than I would ever ask for."

"Nonsense! I love you and…"

Anna interrupted her stubborn husband, knowing exactly what he would say.

"I need your love John, but you need mine as well. I have been neglecting you, husband, for a very long time. While I know that you would never ask, it's time that I started to look after you with the same tenderness, patience and care that you have bestowed upon me. Despite what you're thinking, it's not a burden and it's not wrong. Thank you, my love, for taking care of me. Allow me, as my own penance, to tend to your needs."

She heard him exhale a long, weary, sigh and punctuate it with an indignant huff.

"Anna, you don't owe me anything. You by my side in whatever form that takes, even grumpy, moody, or sullen, is enough and certainly more…"

She stopped his words by covering his mouth.

"Don't you dare finish that sentence. We are good people, you and I, and we deserve the pure and unconditional love that we have for each other. We deserve to be cared for with tenderness and patience. We deserve the forgiveness so freely given to each other. We deserve to reclaim what we can of our marriage; to rebuild what has been broken, to remember what has been forgotten and to rejoice in our renewed and strengthened bond. Each time we pass through the fire we emerge closer and more in love than we thought possible. This time will be no different as long as you allow me to fulfill my sacred vows to you as you have done for me. For better or worse, John."

She smiled at him tenderly as she watched his eyes mist over again and placed her hand over his heart.

"Well, how can I say no when you put it like that, my darling?"

He let out a watery laugh and they both were overcome by laughter. Oh, what a pair they were. Anna wrapped herself around him and allowed herself to savor this moment so long in coming. The hair on his body. The muscles flexing beneath his skin as he held her. The solidity of his form and the soft places that showed he was eating well and in good health. The taste of his skin on her tongue she was lightly trailing along his shoulder causing him to tense beneath her.

"Anna…"

He whispered her name so reverently, she let out a sigh of her own in frustration. She finally felt close to normal, but her noble husband wouldn't dream of taking advantage of this newfound closeness.

"Please don't be worried about your desire for me. Even if I have no wish to act on it, I want to know that my husband desires my body. I was so upset when I believed that my body was forever spoiled for you. I didn't blame you for feeling that way, but I thought for sure that we would never regain that part of our marriage. I felt such relief and nervousness when I realized that seeing you so aroused, smelling your scent awakened the memories of desire in my own body. Your body called out to me and my own began to answer, John. I felt, no I feel so alive and so normal for the first time in so many months and it is because of you. You make me feel safe and loved and desired and cherished and so many other wonderful things. Let us spend this moment in time rediscovering each other physically and emotionally. It is time."

"I will give you as much or as little as you want, but I have a request. We have come this far together, I believe, in part because I have yielded complete control to you in these delicate matters. Perhaps it will always have to be that way or perhaps it won't, but right now I don't think I can handle for you to ask me to take control or not ask for reassurance from you. I need you to take the lead, for you know your own mind and heart. You know what hurts and what doesn't. You know what feels good and what doesn't. I also need you to talk to me so that I know what hurts and what doesn't. What feels good to you and what doesn't. It doesn't mean that I don't desire you or that I don't want to. I need this for my own sanity and peace of mind. I couldn't bear it if I did something to traumatize you unknowingly because you didn't or couldn't say anything. I'm willing to try anything you feel ready for and I'm willing to stop at any point you change your mind, but it is imperative that you communicate both your desire to explore and your need to stop whenever either may arise or it may damage both of us beyond repair. Understand that I expect nothing more than you are willing to do and nothing less than your honesty in this matter. I hold you to no obligation of marital duties, seeing to my pleasure if it causes you discomfort, or forcing yourself to perform because it's what you think I need. I think this is the best for you, for me and for us. May we start in this manner and see what happens?"

Anna felt the smile split her face unbidden. Her husband wanted her and what's more, he was offering a solution that would give him what he needed while offering it as a choice still. He has come so far from the beginning of their relationship when he would make all these noble decisions without her input or even a discussion. God, she loved this man.

"Thank you for asking me rather than telling me and thank you for sharing with me what you need to be comfortable. There was a time, long ago, when you wouldn't have done either. I believe it would be best to follow your suggestions, at least for a while. You are wise and intelligent, my husband, and I know that you have my best interests at heart. I also need to know if something makes you uncomfortable or if you want to stop. I hold your desires and limitations in the same high regard and will not ask you to go any farther than you are willing. I promise to come to you when I desire you and not resent that you won't approach me yet in this matter. I promise to communicate to you what I'm feeling good or bad and not to force myself to act to give you pleasure if it doesn't feel right. I promise to ask you to stop at any point that I no longer feel good about what is happening."

"That's all I ask for now. May I kiss you, Mrs. Bates?"

"Yes, John."

John reached out to grasp her hand from where it lay over his heart and gently pressed his lips to her knuckles. As his warm breath caressed the back of her hand, goosebumps erupted all over her body.

"Was that okay, Anna?"

"It was more than ok. It reminded me of our wedding night, when you did the same thing and we giggled because I got goosebumps all over. The same thing happened tonight."

She smiled as she guided his hand along her arm so he could feel the reaction of her body to him. In the dim light of the full moon, she could see the smile that graced his face as his fingertips traced a path along the bumps raised upon her skin. She saw his brow furrow a split second before he spoke and wondered if he was too uncomfortable. She would stop of course, but if she were totally honest she didn't want to stop. Fear that this was only a temporary reprieve of her numbness began to creep into her thoughts and what a shame it would be to have this new found physical intimacy over before it really began.

"Anna, I… well I have a question."

She nodded, not trusting her voice.

"I know it's dark in here and although we used to carry on by the light of the moon, I was wondering if you wanted some candles lit so it would be lighter in here."

Relieved that he wasn't stopping things, she shook her head.

"No, I don't think so. I can see enough and I hadn't thought about it before you mentioned it. I appreciate the thought and I will let you know if it changes. May I touch you, John?"

They both smiled when he nodded his approval. They were both on their sides facing each other. She pushed her fingers through his tousled hair, noting that it had dried, and let her fingers run down the back of his head. She trailed them down his neck and along the broad expanse of his shoulders to the front of his chest. It felt truly wonderful to be touching him again and feeling his muscles twitch beneath her fingers.

In so many ways this is like their first time together as man and wife. The hesitation, anticipation and nervous energy swirling about the room as he allowed her to set the pace of exploration and discovery. For her, it's almost like reliving the moment with the benefit of experience – knowing how to please him and how everything works. Yet for him it's starting all over from square one. As her fingers caressed the hair covering his chest, she wanted to reassure him.

"John, it occurs to me that I have an unfair advantage."

She saw the question in his eyes as he waited for her to elaborate.

"Well, this seems so much like our wedding night together, but I have the benefit of knowing exactly how to please you whereas I'm sure it feels like starting completely over to you."

She let her eyes take in his expressions as he considered her observation.

"I think that's partially true. For instance, I don't think you would appreciate a playful tug on your hair, as you once did. But I'm sure there are plenty of touches and caresses that you enjoyed before and still enjoy now."

As he spoke he took her hand from his chest and intertwined their fingers together, softly stroking her palm with his thumb.

"Like this. It's been many months since I've held your hand this way, yet tonight when we came upstairs I did. It seemed to please you if I read your smile and squeeze of my hand correctly."

She nodded, unable to speak past the emotions overtaking her.

"And this."

He questioned her with his gaze and she nodded as he took the ribbon securing her braid and pulled it loose.

"As long as I am careful, I believe that you would also find pleasure in this still."

Anna shivered as he gently undid the braid and fanned her hair out over her shoulder and down her chest, letting his fingers ghost the path along her cloth covered shoulder and breast.

"Yes, John."

She took his hand in hers and guided to her cheek, using her own to hold it in place.

"Kiss me, John."

She leaned into him as he moved to kiss her. He lay his lips gently upon her forehead and let them linger for a moment. He then moved to her cheek, taking his time and placing small kisses along her cheek working his way toward her mouth. It felt as if 100 butterflies were let loose inside of her, as her anticipation grew.

Anna's strangled whimper was the only sound in the room when he finally touched her lips. All the butterflies disappeared and she finally felt whole again. She burrowed closer to him and savored his touch, his taste, his smell. The tension in his frame dissipated as he continued to brush his lips against hers. He finally pulled back and looked at her with an expression of joy and contentment.

"That was nice, Mrs. Bates."

"It was very nice. I'm afraid you've married a greedy woman, Mr. Bates, for I find myself wanting more. I hope you don't think ill of me, but I find that I must do this immediately. "

Anna pulled him to her and began kissing him in earnest. Clutching his hair and beckoning him to deepen the kiss so she could taste him again. She was so close to orgasm after months without his touch, she grabbed his hand and shamelessly showed him what she needed. He groaned as she placed their hands at her center, warm and wet and pulsing with need. She sucked in a breath as he coaxed her so easily over the edge and writhed as he drew another climax from her only moments after the first.

Unable to speak, she clung to him as tears of joy flowed from both of them. Whispered words of affection and devotion poured from him, surrounding her in the tenderness of his love and illuminating her soul that lingered in the darkness of fear and uncertainty for too long. She feels so at home in his arms, it's hard to imagine why her awakening took so long to come. John rolled over and curled to her side, allowing the root of his desire to rest against her, even though it seemed he was ready to fall asleep. She knew that for him it was more than enough that she found her pleasure, content to sacrifice his own needs. At least he followed through on his promise to not hide from her anymore.


	6. Chapter 6

**AN:** Greetings and Salutations...we have finally come to the fruition of John and Anna's emotional labors in the reclamation of their relationship. This chapter is a bit verbose, but it wouldn't do to split it just for brevity. As always, a big hug to those who leave comments and my genuine thanks to those who lurk in the shadows to read my story. Enjoy!

Ch 6

Anna lay next to her husband, completely comfortable and content for the first time in many months. They were finally making progress together as husband and wife, seeking to repair the torn and frayed areas in the fabric of their marriage. She thanked God every day for sending her a man who stood by her, steadfast and true, during the worst thing that she had ever experienced. In the warmth of his embrace, she thought about how she was able to bring him relief and solace

"John…"

She drew out his name to get his attention.

"Mmmm… yes my lovely wife."

"We're not done yet, husband."

"We're not?"

His tone has taken on a playful demeanor, much to her delight. Giggling; she shook her head.

"Do you think you have another climax or two for me to coax out of you, my greedy wife?"

"Um, yes, but there's also a very _hard_ problem for us to address."

She moved the leg his cock was touching as her words filled the room, eliciting a groan of pleasure from him.

"It is a _very_ hard problem, but my mind is too hazy to work it out. I wonder, my clever wife, do you have any ideas on how to deal with this _hard_ problem?"

"It is possible that I have just the thing to take care of such a need."

She giggled at the direction her thoughts had taken her and it took her a moment to settle down enough to share it with him.

"Whatever could be so funny about this _very hard_ problem we've yet to solve?"

"Well, my hazy minded husband, I was thinking a cold bath would take care of your hazy mind and your _hard_ problem."

They both burst out laughing at her cheeky suggestion and to Anna it felt wonderful to be so carefree and open with John again.

"While that certainly would take care of both issues, the thought of being submerged in cold water is not very appealing, although if it would please you I'd happily do it."

The face he pulled as he said happily made Anna lose herself in giggles again. As she collected herself, her thoughts turned to all the time they had lost since her _incident_ and she sighed.

"What is it Anna?"

"It just occurred to me after sharing those moments of joy, ecstasy and teasing, that we have missed so much time again. It makes me a little sad when I think about it."

"That's understandable, my love, but there were some good things in that time and we must focus on those. Some of the best ones for me were when I was finally able to court you properly. Take you places in town without having to wonder who might see us or what they may be saying to others. Do you know how good it felt to walk through town with you by my side without the worries of my past holding me back? Even though you were going through a hell of your own, it was still a joy to experience those moments with you regardless of the cause."

She nodded her head and marveled at the dichotomy of his ability to be so positive with her and yet so negative in the inner workings of his mind.

"Remember, my Anna, that even though we have been denied much time, every minute together means so much more because of the adversity we have endured and overcome. There are few who understand the need to be in the moment better than we do. And I would truly take a cold bath if that's what you wanted, gladly, for hearing you laugh again makes my heart burst with joy."

"Silly beggar!"

" _Your_ silly beggar."

"John, I want to make love to you. I don't know if we will be able to or if I will want to ever again, but I want to try now. I want all of you John. Are you ready to try?"

"Of course I'm ready. My knee is playing up after all that time downstairs, so I don't think I can manage the traditional position. Honestly, I don't know if I could manage that even if it weren't bothering me tonight."

She smiled at his words, but it faded as she heard his last whispered confession. Always so curious, she wanted to know why he uttered those last words.

"Why ever not?"

"I don't want this first time to resemble anything he did to you and I don't think I could bear to trap you beneath me. I'm sure it's foolish, but I'm scared that it will trigger some memory in you."

"John, you are truly the most considerate man. I don't think it would bother me, but I want us both to be comfortable."

She locked her gaze on him and smiled.

"I love you, John. Let me show you how much."

She pushed him over on his back and scrambled up to help him prop himself into a sitting position. She let her touch linger and trail on his torso as they shifted and moved together. Desire and affection lit his eyes as they followed her movements. His waning hardness began to stir again in response to her touch even though her touches and movements were nowhere near it, giving credence to his earlier confessions.

Once he was settled, she got off the bed and stood next to him, in the swath of moonlight coming into the room. He would always beckon her to stand there a few moments bathed in the pale light before disrobing and joining him. He always said…

"You look like a creature from heaven, gown shimmering and your hair so golden."

His voice cracked with emotion as he spoke the words he had so many times before.

"Come to me, my angel, and bless me with your loving touch."

Her hands reached down to pull at the hem of her gown and slowly lifted, then let it fall to the ground. She moved toward him with the confidence of her former self, desire burning in her for this wonderful man before her. Her eyes took him in, from the messy hair atop his head to the calluses on the bottoms of his feet from his uneven gait. Her whole body had come alive tonight, stirring such emotion and desire within her. She felt parched, as if she had been denied water and was at the very edge of madness having gone without. She had been denied his touch and physical love before, but this time she chose it. She couldn't blame herself for this choice, it was what she needed. She had to wonder, though, how long it would have lasted if she had not made it happen tonight. There's no use worrying about it either way…tonight she would reclaim her husband and her marriage.

His arms opened for her and she climbed on the bed and straddled him. She felt no fear or apprehension. Shifting forward, Anna brought her hips to meet his erection and lifted herself upward to create friction against him.

"Christ, Anna, you feel so good. Don't be cross at me love for saying this, but I missed you, missed this so much. The weight of you against me, your scent hovering in the air, your silken hair brushing against my skin. The feeling of your embrace as we move together. The feeling of you pulsating around me as you reached the height of pleasure. All of it, Anna. I was so empty without your touch."

She felt him tighten his arms around her and bury his face in her neck, struggling to hang on to his composure.

"Well, how could I ever be cross with you for that?"

"I don't want you to feel bad for taking the time you needed to heal. Even if we can't reclaim this, you are everything to me. I can adjust to anything so long as you're by my side."

"And so can I."

Anna repeated her action, sliding easily this time as her wetness coated him. He groaned again beneath her, his hands barely touching her waist. Unaccustomed to having to direct him, she fought against the doubt creeping into her mind. She knew he wanted her. She knew he adored her. But could he see her as whole again? Untouched? Unblemished? Or did he not want to touch her anymore because he could imagine someone else's hands upon her?

"Anna?"

Startled, she brought her attention back to him, noting the concern in his tone and the question in his eyes.

"I'm sorry. I know what we agreed to but, I'm so used to you and I doing exactly as we please without thought, I started to question the stillness of your hands. I guess it will be harder than I thought to keep the doubts at bay."

"Tell me, please, what doubts?"

"I started to wonder if you could see me as I was before, touched only by you or if you didn't want to touch me because you could see the marks of another on me."

Anna sighed deeply as he cradled her in his arms and whispered assurances to her.

After a moment, he shifted her to the bed and got up.

"Don't worry, my love, we're far from finished yet, but I have an idea and I think it will benefit us both."

Anna tried to tamp down her swirling emotions until he revealed his plan. Watching him light a couple candles and arrange them where she usually does her hair at the vanity, she scolded herself. This is the man that loves her. The man who stayed by her side even when she pushed him away. The man that nurtured her back to life when all others would have discarded her. The man who needed her to tell him what she wanted and how she felt. She now saw how easy it was to slip into her old mindset. Determined to continue the progress made thus far, she realized the effort it would take hold up her part of the promise.

She started to wonder how difficult it was for him to restrict his own impulses, but she could surmise the answer. Her husband had spent all these months struggling to do just that. The danger for him lie in letting go of that restriction, as she found out once they were married. The buttoned up, reserved valet could not contain himself once the ring was on her finger, especially in the privacy of their home. She was sure he was afraid of letting go before she is ready. Damaged beyond repair…she could see now what he meant. She turned her head upon hearing her name and saw him beckoning her to join him, as he sat upon the chair she normally sat in to do her hair.

"Come, Anna, I have something to show you."

Curious now, she went to him and he settled her on his lap so that they both could see themselves in the mirror.

"Before I start, I am going to touch you and quite possibly kiss you as well. I will most likely make you stand at some point and perhaps have to hold you up when your knees go weak. Does the lady have any objections?"

She smiled at his playful tone, grateful that she didn't upset him.

"As I've told you before, Mr. Bates, I'm not a lady and I don't pretend to be."

"Ahh, but you are a lady to me and I never knew a finer one."

"In that case, no, _your_ lady has no objections, but I will tell you if any arise."

She sighed as he cupped her face, then traced his finger on the ghost of a scar from her split lip. He gently kissed the scar and then met her eyes in the mirror, tracing it and her mouth with his finger.

"These are the lips that speak of your love for me. They formed such beautiful words and vocalized such wondrous thoughts about me I could hardly believe were true. They are the lips that worshipped my body and kissed away the pain of my own scars. They are the only lips I will ever want to taste."

He turned her head and kissed her soundly. Not gentle, but not deeply either. It felt so good to be kissed by him again, but he had other intentions at the moment and swept her hair back from her face. He kissed her forehead where another tiny, white scar resided from the beating she took, and ran his tongue along its length.

"This is the place where I first kissed you, though I don't know if you knew it. One night in the courtyard, after I had been given my position back, I had been reading to you and you fell asleep. Your body leaned against mine and I wanted to hold you so badly, but I knew that I shouldn't break that barrier, especially when you were unaware. I couldn't help myself, though, so I put my arm around you and pressed a kiss to your forehead right in that same spot. Several kisses, if I'm honest. You never woke or stirred. I tortured myself for weeks for taking that liberty with you and doing it whilst you were asleep. I tortured myself, but I didn't ever regret it. If felt so good, so right to have you in my arms, to press my lips to your skin. It was electric."

She marveled at her husband. He had never told her that story, though she was certain it was because he was embarrassed at taking liberties with her. He kissed her forehead again.

"It still is electric between us. I'm sorry I've never told you this before. I always saw it as a violation of your trust, though I know you would never think such a thing. After all, isn't that the sort of nonsense that fill the pages of romantic novels?"

His smile was beautiful. She always thought so and she had missed it. He turned her head back toward the mirror and put his cheek against hers, locking his gaze with hers.

"We have yet to talk about your beautiful eyes. Those eyes that captivated me from the first moment I saw them light up with your smile. The crystal blue eyes that shimmer with mirth, flash with anger, glitter with love and weep with sadness. Every mood can be read in them and I love them most when they are bright with your passion and desire."

He turned her face back to him and held it in both his hands. He kissed her again, this time with a tenderness reminiscent of when he first kissed her properly. She often takes his strength for granted and gasped when he suddenly lifted her up and planted her on her feet.

His lips trailed along her ribs as he pulled her between his legs. She luxuriated in the feel of being in his arms and sighed in pleasure. Arching her back, she trusted him to hold her as she stretched.

"These ribs protect your lungs. They are the guardians of your breath of life. They also protect the most precious part of you…your heart. It is I who protect your spiritual heart, but these ribs protect your life force."

Yielding to his hands, she turned as he wanted and he began to caress her back where the bruises had been. After attending to each area, he followed the spinal column all the way down to the swell of her backside.

"Your spine, straight and true, keeps you upright. It is your bravery, however, that gives you strength to stand up for what is right, for your friends, and for me. You have stood up for me many times and have been my strength when I was weak. You have picked me up when I have fallen. You have borne my weight when I have struggled with my leg. But most importantly you have stood by my side through everything and I am most grateful."

Anna was beside herself as what he was doing finally registered. Tears of relief fell from her eyes.

Kissing away her tears, he caressed her arms as if wiping away the marks of brutality that her mind's eye could still see.

"These arms…so small and delicate to look at but so much strength is in them. I swear sometimes I truly believe they have magical powers. Power to restore and inspire. Power to comfort and heal. Power to raise my spirits and calm my soul. You must be a faerie, for in your embrace I am transported to paradise. Your skin glows as if the magical power flows beneath. The first time I felt your arms around me I felt whole. I felt at home. I felt, for the first time in my life, that I truly belonged here. That my life was spared in that bloody, senseless war to be here for you."

Unable to contain herself, she climbed in his lap and clung to him as if she were being pulled away. Crying now in earnest, she was trying to tell him how much she loved him but she couldn't manage words. She had cried many times in his arms since the attack, but this time it felt different. They had nothing between them physically or emotionally to distance them. Finally, she calmed enough to clean her face and speak to him.

"I'm alright...I love you, John, so much and it feels so wonderful to be with you this way. Thank you, my love, for sharing how you see me. I should have known that you wouldn't see me that way. I should've had more faith in you."

"Nonsense. You are talking to the man whose doubts you had to assuage how many times? The mind is a funny thing and can be treacherous. I will do anything to cast away your doubts and fears, however many times it may be necessary. I adore telling you the things I admire about you. I will never tire of doing so."

He stood up with her still wrapped around his body and brought them back to the bed. He let her down on the floor beside him and gazed down at her. Leaning down, he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her tightly to him. With one more questioning look, he asked for her permission. Permission granted, he kissed her again with all the built up desire he had been holding back for months. He probed her with his tongue and caressed her body with his hands. It felt as if his fingers were on fire, leaving trails of burning skin. Overwhelmed, Anna's knees buckled and gave way but she never faltered. True to his word, John held her up as he slowed them down again. Before she could protest, strong arms laid her on the bed.

"We're nearly finished, but there are two more things I must share with you before I can consider my task complete."

The bed moved as he sat beside her and moved his hand to her stomach.

"Your womb is the center of your desire and sensuality."

Gasping at the warmth of his touch, she held her breath as he spoke.

"It is also a promise of what might be. If we are never able to conceive a child, it will be disappointing, but not a failure. Vera and I never managed to have children in the prime of our lives. It is a long shot for me to even be able to sire a child. Regardless of what happens or doesn't happen, you must know that this part of you is not broken. Your desire is fierce and beautiful. No one knows why it happens for some and not others, but it has nothing to do with a failure on our parts. It's a medical anomaly. If there comes a time where you want to consider maybe adopting a child, I would be honored to share in that dream with you."

"We'll take it as it comes. Lord knows that we have had enough tribulations for the end of times and having a child, while a dream of ours, would have been exceptionally difficult. Perhaps it is best given what happened to me. I still want it, though. John, I really do."

The kisses he placed over her belly were so gentle and reverent, almost as if a prayer.

"At any rate, we will certainly enjoy the effort. Which bring me to the last place on your body. It is the center of your pleasure. May I?"

Anna nodded, unable to form words, as her husband arranged himself between her legs. She knew that she could still reach orgasm, thanks to John's earlier ministrations, but she didn't know how much he would want to do.

"Your pleasure has always been important to me. For me, after the disaster that was my marriage, pleasure was elusive. Prison, war, marriage, injury, drinking, rejection…it all took its toll. I had been with a few women before Vera, but none of them meant anything."

John put her legs over his shoulders and trailed kisses along the insides of her thighs. Her hands fisted the sheets as she tried to concentrate on what he was saying. It felt so good to feel him, to touch him, to want him again.

"Then you came into my life and it was as if the sun rose again for the first time. The world became vibrant, joyful. It was like living in a novel. Only you weren't a vapid, silly girl mooning over men. You were intelligent, kind, and generous. When you actually started to engage me in conversation, I was shocked and scared, but mostly pleased. Even if we would only be friends, you were always a bright spot in my day."

Groaning and twisting the sheets, Anna writhed as his lips and stubble created a delicious sensation between rough and smooth. He had trailed the insides of her thighs, teasing and nipping between his words. In no haste, he continued to tease and taste her skin.

"I realized I was falling in love with you the day I let slip the words alone at last. It hit me as the words left my mouth. Up until the moment you gave me that look after I spoke, I had no idea that you would ever look at me _that_ way. I knew I was in trouble, not because I didn't want more but because of the whole of my past. When I finally was standing before you, ring in my hand and forever on my mind, I made a silent vow to you."

He paused, glancing up at her. Her eyes locked with his, waiting for him to continue.

"I vowed to please you. To find out all the things great and small that give you pleasure. To give you those things and to learn how to receive them from you. To explore you in every way possible so that I may discover ways to please you that you're not aware of yet. To share with you all the pleasures the world can offer us."

She smiled and he returned it.

"This gift of your body is the core of your physical pleasure. It is ours to enjoy, to explore. I love all of you Anna. Mind, body, spirit."

The intensity of his touch made her gasp. She felt his hands holding her hips still and his tongue and lips exploring her center. He must have shifted his position because she felt his finger teasing her entrance.

"Yes, John. Oh God yes. Please."

His finger pushed in gently and it felt so good. She kept chanting for him to give her more. He did as she asked and her orgasm stole her breath. Coming back to herself, she realized she had fistfuls of his hair gripped tightly and let go. She stroked his head resting on her belly and whispered an apology. She felt rather than heard him chuckle and called him a silly beggar, knowing he was quite pleased with himself.

"Anna, you are more beautiful to me every day that passes, for the more I know and learn about you, the more your inner beauty is revealed to me. I love everything about you, my darling. Make love to me, Mrs. Bates, in whatever way you wish. Don't doubt."

Shifting back to his original position, Anna squeaked as he brought her back over him. Planting her hands on his shoulders, she shifted closer.

"John, look at me."

She waited until she had his attention.

"Kiss me, John. Kiss me and join us. Don't close your eyes. I want to see them. I want to read every emotion. I want to see them darken with desire for me."

She felt him shudder beneath her as his eyes darkened to almost black. She saw the tears gather as the emotions played on his face. His hands were firm on her hips to keep her still, which meant he was close to losing his control. Smirking, she decided that this would be about his pleasure. She pulled his hands away from her and pinned them between her legs and his own.

"Keep them there, love. Keep your eyes on me."

She started moving slowly with shallow movements as she became adjusted to his size again. He was fighting against his eyes closing and she loved seeing the look of pleasure on his face. Keeping her rhythm slow and steady, she studied her husband.

"Talk to me, John."

"Anna. You are my angel. My savior. My light. My soul. My everything. I love you so very much. I'm not going to last...Anna!"

With John fully in her, Anna stopped and held herself firmly in place. The look on his face was somewhere between bliss and agony.

"I'm so close, but I don't want it over before we've barely gotten started."

Anna agreed with her husband, holding still and leaning on him while they both calmed a bit. Soon his body relaxed and he let go a sigh of relief. It was then she unleashed herself upon him relentlessly until he came inside her, roaring in a primal call she had only heard from him a few times before.

She reached her own climax shortly after he did, then collapsed forward onto him, leaving them both joined for as long as possible. Still catching his breath, John remained silent and allowed his hands to smooth out her hair gently. The end table contained spare flannels, so she opened the drawer and took one out to clean them up a bit. Discarding it once she was done, she took John's face in her hands.

"I've missed being with you like this, though it's only occurred to me recently. Being one with you again showed me how empty and incomplete I felt. I thought we would never get this back, John. You must know that it feels so good for me to be able to tend to your needs, for a change. I know what you would say, but it's my duty to care for you as it is yours to care for me, is it not? Did we not take the same vows?"

"We did, my lovely wife. And I will let you tend to me so long as you feel up to it. We have this beautiful night together and I thank you for every second."

"I'm scared, John. What if it doesn't last?"

"What will happen tomorrow we cannot say with certainty, so let's not waste time worrying about what it will bring. Enjoy this. Enjoy us. Savor it. Be with me here in the moment and know that whatever comes, we will face it together."

She shifted off of him so they could lay down and John could stretch his leg. He opened his arms and she gladly went into his embrace, facing him the way she used to. The last words she heard from him before he drifted into slumber were 'I love you, my precious Anna.'

A smile lingered upon her lips. She was in his arms after making love to him. He was sleeping peacefully and naked beside her for the first time in months. There was no furrow upon his brow or tension in his limbs. His arms were around her. It felt so right to be with him this way; like a homecoming. She could rest easy knowing that he was sated and content. Tomorrow they had to confront his demons, but tonight she would find sleep knowing that her relationship with John, in all its facets, was back on track to the way it should be.


	7. Chapter 7

**AN:** Hello, fellow readers. Thanks to the few who are leaving comments and the rest who are still reading. It seems that John and Anna aren't yet finished with this story as I'm up to 11. I suspect two or three more chapters will do the trick, but we'll see. All mistakes are my own...I correct them when I catch them. Enjoy!

Ch 7

Anna squinted, sun shining in her eyes, as she gradually joined the waking world. Waking up natural is a rare treat and today was more special waking up in John's embrace, skin to skin. She could tell that it was late in the morning, but couldn't feel bad as they were off and up most of the night and early morning. His arms were still wrapped around her and she could feel his breath float across her skin as he slept. She felt no apprehension about their nakedness or proximity, as she feared she might. In fact, she was quite sore from their exertions and it felt good. She felt alive in a way she hadn't been for quite some time.

Anna wasn't too surprised to find John still at her side, given all that happened between them last night. He hasn't slept soundly in weeks and even then not for very long, if the nights she knew about were an indicator.

Not eager to wake him, Anna let her mind drift to the previous night's events. She had never seen John in such distress. She had seen him emotional, inadvertently when she brought him the tray after he lost his job and later when he had lost his mother, but she had never seen him grieve so deeply. Once she was back in their home and he knew most of what happened, he stopped pushing her. He was so strong for her. Always there for her. Always patient and understanding. Always willing to do anything she wanted or didn't want. Never showing irritation or impatience. Or perhaps he did and she was just too wrapped up in her own turmoil that she didn't recognize his.

Her heart broke as she held him last night as wave after wave of grief poured forth from his soul. Months of stifled emotions – grief, anger, confusion, frustration, rage, disappointment, failure, doubt – had finally broken loose. It was amazing to her that he had kept all that bottled up, while fighting an equally difficult battle to bottle up his desire and passion for her. He was not unlike a volcano ready to erupt, yet he didn't. All the times she snapped at him, changed her mind, flinched away from him, lied to him, ignored his needs, cried, and sulked, he never reciprocated. How he managed with no one to confide in, no one to comfort him, no one to care about him was nothing short of a miracle. All the times she watched him, he never voiced anything aloud which made her wonder how he dealt with it all.

Seeing him breakdown last night and reflecting on the months since her incident gave her a new insight into his self-discipline and solitary existence. He has had to close himself off for so long that it became second nature for him. Between the isolation of a bad marriage, war, injury, prison, Downton, returning to Vera, prison for a second time, and now her incident, John has learned to exist as if on an island. The fact that he became so open with her is even more surprising given his strict, reserved nature and intellectual acuity.

Seeing him so closed off again and knowing him so much better now, made her realize how lucky she was to gain his trust and his love. He had tried to spare her from the chains of his past, but she wouldn't give up on him. Not even after he tore her heart asunder and turned his back on her. So noble and proud was he, he would live his life in ruins to spare her any hardship. And still she persisted, for life without the man she loved so deeply wasn't worth living. It was worth every tear, every day of turmoil to be by his side, enveloped in the warmth of his love.

Anna felt the moment John awoke, his body tensing when he realized the position they were in. She was a little disappointed, but she couldn't blame him either. Her moods and reactions have been so mercurial, it was completely understandable he would be unsure of her reaction and probably concerned about making her uncomfortable.

"Don't worry, John. There's no place I would rather be right now than in your arms like this."

His body relaxed at her words and he tightened his hold on her just a bit, bringing her as close as possible.

"Although I would've understood if you weren't comfortable, I'm so glad that you are. Waking up with you in my arms and no obligations to meet is one of the elusive pleasures I have always looked forward to sharing with you. Surrounded by the warmth of our bodies and our love for each other is heaven on earth for me."

Anna always believed John would have been a writer if he had been born into a different class. Sometimes it's as if he is reciting poetry when he speaks to her. Perhaps she should encourage him to write, even if she is the only one to enjoy it.

A smile bloomed on her face as he asked her if she felt up to making love again. Indeed she did and rolled to face him. She pushed him over on his back and kissed down his chest to his cock. He wanted her to shift positions so he could pleasure her at the same time, but she refused.

"No, John. Not this time…let me tend to your needs."

She pulled her hair to the side and took him in her hand. It had been so long since she had done this for him. She missed the way it felt to have him at her mercy. It was so empowering to have a man so large and strong begging for mercy and doing her will. Of course he could bat her away as if swatting a fly, but he trusted her enough to yield control to her. Sliding her hand along his cock the way he liked, she made eye contact with him before taking him in her mouth slowly. She knew exactly what he liked and hummed as she drew away, using a slight sucking pressure. When his body jerked, she knew she had gotten it right and repeated the action in a steady, but slow rhythm. He was babbling nonsense between groans and chanting her name. She stopped and let him settle down a bit as she caressed his legs. He lay back and panted as she watched his cock twitch and bob.

"Anna, you don't have to do this."

She read the concern on his face and figured her stopping caused the confusion. She would have to be patient with him as they adjusted to their new reality once again. Lord knows, he had showed her unending patience under far worse circumstances. She owed it to him to not get upset when he questioned her. He had good reason to do so and he had told her what he needed from her. She understood the underlying concerns he had mentioned the night previous. He was correct when he said she knew her own mind. Knew what felt good and what didn't.

Then it hit her. She wasn't talking to him about what she was feeling. Up until the incident, they could practically read each other's minds and now they had just resumed the journey back to that state. She had been hiding so much from him for so long, she had no right to expect him to have the same intuition concerning her moods and feelings as he had in the past. They had made the first steps last night, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Rather than turn the situation into a discussion, she chose a playful response.

"No, but wouldn't you prefer if I continued?"

She trailed her fingernail along the vein of his bobbing cock, smirking as he hissed in pleasure.

"Uh, yes of course. But…"

She continued to massage and stroke his cock as she spoke. Enough to keep him firm, but not enough to make him lose control.

"John, I have always known that I don't have to do anything I don't want to do when I'm with you. I enjoy having you at my mercy. Hearing you call my name. Feeling you pulse and twitch in pleasure. Keeping you on the edge of an orgasm until you shamelessly beg me to give you what you need. Hearing my name fall from your lips as your desire heightens. Your hands ghosting though my hair as your cock slides in and out of my mouth."

John let out a deep groan that startled her as he started to come. She was surprised and a little confused as he had never come with so little stimulation before. Quickly regaining her senses, she drew out his pleasure as long as she could, pleased with his complete loss of control.

She crawled back up to the head of the bed and curled up beside him, waiting for him to regain his bearings. A satisfied grin took up residence on her face as he panted with a contented look upon his.

"Anna, you are magnificent and always have been."

"As are you, husband. You surprised me."

Anna chuckled quietly.

"Did I?"

"Well, it's not often that I can make you come before me."

A thoughtful look passed over his face.

"It is true that I don't like to finish before you. I enjoy watching you reach the heights of your pleasure and I know that men are simple creatures. We finish and we sleep. Women, on the other hand, are more complex and not so easily lulled to slumber."

They both laughed at his descriptions.

"But you've never finished like that. It wasn't nearly as…"

At a loss, both with the word she wanted and the candor of the conversation, she studied John.

"Vigorous?"

She smiled shyly at her husband, pleased that he could still anticipate her thoughts in some matters.

"Yes, that's the word I was searching for."

Her voice had dropped in volume as her embarrassment grew. So brave last night and this morning she felt much like she did on her wedding night.

"My darling, look at me."

She turned to match him as he resettled on his side facing her. Her eyes met his as he took her hand and brought it to his lips, then placed on his chest.

"Just because it was different this time, doesn't mean that what we have done in the past was any less pleasurable or wrong. Over the years, we have grown as individuals and as a couple. This is true of our bedroom experiences as well. Do you remember back to when we first had time to get to know each other and explore what we liked?"

She nodded her head. He was quite insatiable and she was very shy but also eager to learn.

"There were some things that you weren't comfortable with at the outset, but grew to like as you became more experienced and confident in that facet of our bond. There were one or two other things you've never been quite comfortable with."

She nodded again, her mind going back to when they were still learning how to live together. First, after so long a courtship and then the nearly 2 year separation after only one glorious night together. In those days, she was eager to please, but slow to overcome her embarrassment and shyness when it came to certain things like verbalizing her thoughts and oral sex. She overcame her inhibitions with oral sex fairly easily, but she still struggled with verbalizing her most intimate thoughts when they were making love. She didn't have a problem carrying on a conversation with him about sex or other intimate matters in normal, private settings. It was only in the most intimate of times and settings that she clammed up.

"So, my amazing lover, when you started speaking of how you felt while you were sucking my cock, if I may be so blunt, it took me over the edge. I swear I would have come even if you weren't touching me at all."

"I didn't realize. Why didn't you say when you were close?"

She felt herself becoming more self-conscious as the conversation turned more intimate.

"I don't think I could have formed words if I wanted to, but I enjoyed it and didn't want you to stop. If I drew attention to it, you might have gotten self-conscious like you are now. You don't need to worry about it either way. Was it great? Fantastic even? Absolutely. Do we have a fulfilling and fantastic sex life without you saying things like that? Absolutely. All I have ever wanted is for you to be you, in whatever form that takes. I love you, Anna. Every part of you."

"How can you say that after all these months?"

"Do you characterize our entire marriage by my time in prison?"

"Of course not."

"Then why would I characterize our entire marriage by these months? Were they difficult? At times, yes. Very difficult at the start of all this, but we have persevered and healed. We made love last night and this morning. I don't want to dwell on our time apart, physically or emotionally. Was it hard for you to say those things to me in that moment?"

"No. I realized that part of the reason why you keep questioning me is that we had stopped communicating verbally, and our nonverbal communication has suffered. I can't expect you to know what I'm feeling now that I have been through this and so I told you. I didn't realize that words would have such an effect on you."

"Not just words, Anna. Your words. Your voice. Your accent. Hearing those words after you had performed the actions they described made the images in my mind so clear. And to have your hands on me at the same time, knowing just how I liked to be touched. It was so erotic, Anna. I didn't want to fight it. I just gave myself over to you. I hope it doesn't bother you. It was a bit selfish, bu…"

"You can stop there. Maybe it was. Maybe it wasn't. Even so, it was long overdue and well deserved. You give so much and take so little. It's a relief to know that I can still have that effect on you."

"You can and you do. You always will. Nothing will change that. Now, Mrs. Bates, you've managed to give me a most pleasurable good morning. It's my turn, to say good morning."

Anna smiled and kissed her husband. He was far from perfect, but he was so good to her. She lay back and let him have his way, knowing that she would be thoroughly explored and satisfied by the time he was done. She heard her name and saw the question in his eyes.

"Yes, John, please continue."

Drawing out the please, she let him know that she was enjoying his ministrations. She moaned as his tongue blazed a trail up her leg to her center. His tongue was doing wondrous things, making her writhe and hiss in pleasure. She suddenly realized he had stopped touching her and was looking at her with a concerned gaze.

"I'm alright. It feels good. You can keep on."

He nodded and returned his attention to her center. His tongue was flicking back and forth across her clit perfectly. Her orgasm was building and when he teased her entrance with his finger, it stole her breath making her gasp sharply, but she never made it over the edge because he had stopped again.

"Damn it, John! You don't have to question me every time I make a noise."

He got up, came around to the edge of the bed and sat next to her. He looked at her tenderly with a sad smile on his face. Leaning over, he kissed her on the cheek and got up.

"I'm sorry I've upset you, love. I'll go make us some breakfast."


	8. Chapter 8

**AN:** This chapter is a bit longer than most, but I didn't want to break it up. It seems to be getting a bit lopsided with Anna being the transgressor, but the whole of the first three seasons John was. Neither of them are perfect, of course. At any rate, thanks for making this story a part of your day and a virtual hug to those who continue to comment. All mistakes are mine. Enjoy!

Ch 8

John was enjoying giving Anna this pleasure again. He loved watching her body react to his ministrations. His nerves were jangled a bit, though, torn between the pull of his desire and the unknown of how Anna would react. Last night was born of frustration, desperation, and isolation. She reached her limit and bravely confronted him, even in his state of tension and anguish. It was dark, they were tired and vulnerable and hidden. In the clear light of day, everything could be different. Anna's moods, up until the previous night, had been unpredictable and often prickly. It took very little to set her off and most of the time he really didn't understand what he did that made her so upset. Glad that she agreed to his request of taking control and letting him know how she felt, he continued his exploration of her core, cautiously probing her entrance with his fingers.

He heard a sharp gasp from her, and stopped momentarily to be certain he hadn't hurt her in some way. He brought his eyes up to look at her, finding bitterness rather than pleasure or discomfort.

" _Damn it, John! You don't have to question me every time I make a noise_."

Startled by Anna's tone, John froze. He knew her many moods, but the sound of contempt in her voice made the hairs stand up on the back of his neck and his blood run cold. He had heard that tone of voice before, but never from Anna. It sounded like _her._ Dare he even think it? It brought back the words Vera used to fling at him – worthless, useless, impotent, gammy, failure, crippled, tosser, and the list goes on. He couldn't let Anna know the direction of his thoughts, nor the connection he made from her words to Vera's. Nor could he hope to please her now that her mood has soured and he had the memories of Vera's abuse in his head. He didn't want to fight with her after such a wonderful morning. Perhaps he could turn her mood around by giving her some space for her to mood to improve and a nice breakfast.

He heaved himself up and came around to sit on the side of the bed. He leaned down and whispered an apology, kissing her gently. He got up, grabbed his robe and left the room. Not wanting an immediate confrontation with her, he ambled downstairs as quickly as he could and made his way to the kitchen. Leaning over the basin, he gazed outside at their little garden lost in thought. His mind swirled with vivid memories of him and Anna happily making love prior to her attack. He wanted to please her, but it seemed as if he needed more from her than she was able or willing to give. How can they possibly move forward if she can't even tolerate him while they are making love? He would never regret marrying her, but his regret for not being the man that she needs, the man that makes her happy, would never leave him.

Stunned, Anna sat up on the edge of the bed and watched him grab a robe and leave the room. To anyone else, he would seem unfazed. But she could see the slant of his shoulders and hear the slower, heavier footfalls. His disappointment was clear to her and it brought tears to her eyes. What was going on with her? They talked about this and all he asked was that she tell him how she felt. To communicate her feelings so that he wouldn't cause her undo harm. Nothing he had asked of her was unfair or unnecessary, although she was acting as if the opposite were true. Why was it so hard for her to do as he asked? What is wrong with her that she tells him she understands his request and will abide by it, then expects him to react as if the incident never happened? She didn't even realize she was going to snap at him. She definitely owed him an apology; that much was clear.

Grabbing her own gown, she made her way downstairs and to the kitchen. She found him in their kitchen at the basin, staring out the window. Despite his earlier words, he had not started breakfast. This didn't surprise her as she had followed him down shortly after he left. She let her eyes move over his form as she stood in the doorway. Unwilling to let this be the start of another wall between them, she decided to try and get his attention so that they could work through this setback.

"John?"

She watched as his body tensed and he released a sigh. She softened her tone, realizing she had sounded quite sharp when she spoke his name, her frustration coming through.

"John, please look at me."

He turned and leaned against the counter for balance, still not meeting her eyes. It was quickly becoming clear that he felt as if he had done something wrong. She approached him slowly, stopping in front of him but not touching. Looking up into his eyes, she frowned at the sadness she saw there.

"I'm ever so sorry, John, for snapping at you. You did nothing wrong. I'm having trouble adjusting, I think. I feel so much like myself before the incident that I forget we are both different now."

His arms moved to embrace her, then fell back to his side. Uncertainty clouded his features and his body language. She moved to take his hands, but he moved them to the counter before she could. He shifted his weight and returned his hands to his side. Unsure, she tried reaching for him again to see if he was avoiding her touch. Lacing her fingers with his, she sighed in relief.

"You must be so tired of my mood swings and sharp tongue."

He still hadn't met her gaze or said a word, continuing to stare at the floor. She was starting to get concerned.

"John, will you talk to me?"

His eyes finally met hers.

"I'm sorry. I was just thinking about what happened and what has been happening between us. Maybe you're behaving this way because I'm no longer what you need. I don't seem to be able to make you happy anymore, though I've tried everything and anything I could think of to do so."

"No! John, don't say that."

"Anna, please. I just want you to be happy again. To smile unbidden. To be yourself in all things. To make love without having to constantly reassure your partner. If I can't do that for you, maybe someone else can. Someone who doesn't know what happened to you. Someone who …"

Anna was beside herself. The way he was talking, it sounded like he would leave her or expect her to leave him.

"But I love you."

"And I love you, Anna. However, whenever, whatever. Maybe that isn't enough anymore."

"Why are you saying such things? How could it not be enough? Do you think I would be where I am today without you? No other man would have believed me. No other man would have stayed with me. No other man would have found me blameless. No other man would have said all those beautiful things to me after another man had touched me. No other man would care for me the way you have. No other man would yield to my needs at the expense of his own. How could your love, so pure and unconditional, not be enough?"

She was crying now. She could tell by the look in his eyes that he was torn between his love for her and what he thought would be best for her. What scared her was the tone of defeat in his voice.

"I don't know. I try not to let things like what you said bother me. Have been for a long time, but after all we went through last night I thought we had turned a corner. It hurt, after last night, to hear your frustration with me in the midst of such an intimate moment. It hurt that your mind wasn't on what we were doing. I can't be the way I was before. I can't trust that my interpretation of your nonverbal cues are correct. I can't take for granted that what I am doing is causing pleasure and not pain. I can't risk hurting you. Not when we are just starting to be intimate again. Not when we don't know how your mind and body will react. I'm sorry that I can't be what you need."

She let go of his hands and wrapped herself around him, but he didn't move.

"I want you to hold me, John. I need you to hold me in your arms. Please, John, hold me."

His arms wrapped around her and held her to him snugly. It felt so good to be in his embrace, how could he not be everything she needed and more? He simply could not leave. She would beg. She would grovel. She would do anything to keep him by her side.

"Don't leave. Don't make me leave. There is no one else on this earth that could be more to me than what you are. You're everything I could ever want or need. I know what it's like to be without you. I know what it's like to exist in this world without you. I won't do it again. I _can't_ do it again. It wasn't living John. Even after months apart, it wasn't living. It wasn't until I saw you through the pane of glass at the pub's entrance that I started to live again. I know I'm hurting you. I don't mean to. I hate that I am. I don't want to be this way. It's not who I was. It's not who I am. Help me fix this, John. Help me figure out what's wrong."

"Anna…"

"Promise me, John. Promise me you won't leave me. Promise me you won't force me to leave. John. We can do this. I know we can."

"Anna, how can I stay when I am the source of your discontent? How can you ask me to stay and watch you be someone you don't want to be because of me?"

Agitated by his continued argument, she left his arms and started pacing.

"You're not the source of my discontent, _he_ is. You're the one that has to deal with the outcome. We often take for granted those who are closest to us and that's what I've been doing. I hold everything in around everyone else so that I'm not unduly rude or short with someone. When we come home and I can be myself, all that bottled up tension comes out and you are the sole receiver of it. It's not fair to you. I know that. Up until this point, I never really thought about it. I told you last night that I was oblivious to what you were going through. I want to change that. I want to take care of you and make you feel as loved and appreciated as I do. I didn't do that this morning, unfortunately, but I want to. I want to try. I want the chance. Promise me…John. Promise me that you won't leave."

 _"Anna_ …"

She saw that she wasn't getting through that stubborn head of his, so she tried a different angle.

"I won't take no for an answer."

She set her jaw and put her hands on her hips, letting him know she meant what she said.

"You rarely do, my darling girl."

She breathed an inward sigh of relief at his response and cracked a smile at him.

"No, I suppose I don't. You've spoiled me rotten, apparently. I want to hear the words, John. Look me in the eyes and tell me."

She held her breath as he met her gaze.

"Anna Bates, I promise to stay by your side always. I will never choose to leave you."

Releasing her breath, she clung to him.

"We'll find a way to beat this, John. I'll be better to you. I love you so much. I just couldn't go through that again…"

Her words tumbled out as she struggled to recompose herself. She gazed up at him through watery eyes and smiled as he held out a towel for her.

"You know I only want what's best for you. In all things. I'm sorry I upset you. I just hate to see you upset and it seems lately that's all I do. I just thought…"

"My noble husband, you are what's best for me. I'm just sorry I make you doubt that."

Stretching up on her toes, she grabbed his shoulders to pull him down to her and kissed him. She divested him of his garment and held him in her hand, stroking him as she kissed him with all the passion she could muster.

"Take me to the living room John and finish what you started. I was so close when you stopped that I'm still hot and wet for you. You're hard for me again. I know you want to. Stop thinking. I want this. I want you. I want your mouth on me. Please John."

He was still hesitant. She could feel it in him and she didn't blame him. He's been dealing with her moods for so long now, he probably thought no matter what he did it would be wrong. He needed convincing. Dropping to her knees in front of him, she made her argument.

"Good Christ, Anna!"

She took the length of him in her mouth until it hit the back of her throat, making him swear. Pulling back, she sucked harder than normal before impaling herself on him again.

"Stop, Anna…I'm going to fall."

She drew back again and let him go with a small pop.

"Well then, Mister, you'd best take me to the next room or we'll both be on this floor in a heap."

She took his hand and allowed him to help her up. Robe forgotten, he scooped her up in his arms and hobbled to the next room. He would pay for that later, she knew, but he'd never complain.

She giggled as he dropped her on the settee and flopped down next to her. He trailed kisses along her cheek and down her neck. He pulled her on top of him and started kissing down her neck to her breast.

"Anna…"

Leaning forward she whispered in his ear, reassuring him. She would not repeat her mistake.

"John, your lips feel like fire, burning streaks of fire across my skin. It feels so good being with you."

"Stand up…"

She moved to get off the settee and he stopped her.

"No, stand up here and lean forward, putting your knees against the back of the settee."

As soon as she stood up, she saw what he was getting at.

"Perfect."

He growled the word when she opened herself to him. She threaded her fingers through his hair as he tied her gown up out of the way.

"I love you, John, so much. You are my husband. My light. My partner. My healer. My lover. Don't be afraid, I'll take care of you."

His lips brushed the inside of her leg tentatively.

"Yes, John, yes…"

He had one arm supporting her and the other stroking her leg. Finally, he put his mouth on her center. She cried out as his tongue flicked and probed, dancing through her swollen, wet sex. She couldn't speak so she hummed her affirmation of his attentions. It appeared to be working, as he continued without pausing. He brought his fingers up to her and slid them in her, in counterpoint to the rhythm his tongue was setting. It proved to be Anna's undoing as she groaned and trembled above him. As he eased her back down to his lap, she reached for him and joined them.

John let loose a groan as she slid down upon him. She immediately looped her arms around his neck and kissed him leisurely. She started to move above him, setting a slow but steady pace as she leaned back and let him explore her chest. Leaning forward, he trailed his mouth and tongue down her neck to the shallow dip at the center of her collar bone. She gasped and breathlessly told him to continue. He knew that spot was sensitive and always knew how to make her squirm in pleasure.

"Anna, you're so beautiful."

His fingers quested lower, touching and teasing her nipples to firmness.

"The way you respond to my touch is truly amazing. So sensitive and so alive with passion. I still can't believe my good fortune."

A smile emerged on Anna's lips as she shook her head. The silly beggar would never understand that it was her that had the good fortune of finding and being loved so fiercely by him. The past months alone were evidence enough. Rather than argue and disrupt another intimate moment between them, she picked up her pace, knowing that he was approaching his release.

"Believe, John. Believe in me. Believe in us. Believe in our love. Believe…"

She shifted her hips so that she could find her own release with him, rubbing against him each time she came down on him.

"Anna!"

He cried out her name as she chased down her own release and drew out his. They both let out guttural moans as she continued to move against him, despite the sensitivity they both felt. Anna was determined to tease that taught line between pleasure and pain. John was chanting unintelligibly whilst she was determined to wring a second release out of him. She kept snapping her hips against him, his desire still hardened within her. His swearing told her he was dancing that line with her. He had never come again so quickly, but she thought he might, given the months of denial of his own needs. She was tiring rapidly so she decided to try and help him along.

"John, you feel so good inside of me. I can still feel you hard and hot with need. You feel how wet I am for you? I need you John. Oh God I'm so close. Come with me, John. Now!"

She felt him tense and jerk beneath her as he found his second release, panting heavily as he stroked her back. It felt so good to make him lose control, especially after her transgression against him this morning. She lifted her forehead from his shoulder and kissed him again.

"I love you, John. You make me happy. You make me complete. You make me feel alive and loved."

"I understand, my love. I'm not going anywhere."

She smiled at his intuition. Perhaps they would be alright after all. The events earlier in the morning had concerned her. If she were completely honest, it shook her to her core to think that he would be willing to leave her.

She knows her husband…if he thought he were harming her or making her unhappy, he would leave. Not before exhaustive efforts on his part, but he would leave if he thought it was the best for her. His nobility was legendary, starting with his military sacrifice, his injury saving Lord Grantham in the line of duty, his voluntary imprisonment to spare _that woman_ , and the list goes on.

Holding him in her arms, she reflexively held him tighter as her thoughts wandered across the numerous acts of self-sacrifice. She felt him expand in her arms as he inhaled deeply, almost as if he was trying to commit her scent to memory.

"John?"

His arms tightened around her, holding her firmly to him.

"You're extraordinary, my dear and I love you so. I wish I could erase everything that happened to you. The years of torment during my imprisonment. Your suffering when I tore us apart from one another. The pain and terror inflicted upon you by evil incarnate. Your self-inflicted misery trying to protect me from myself. Alas, I cannot. It's not in my power to –"

She interrupted him there.

"But you have John. You've made me so happy that the bad memories just fade away into the distance. This last bit was more difficult, but it will fade too. Go wash up John, and I'll get some food and tea started. Then you can take over while I get washed up."

"Nope. You're coming with me."

She giggled as he dragged her back upstairs. He stopped at the top and gazed down at her.

"You don't mind do you? If you'd rather be alone, I understand."

"On the contrary, I've been isolating myself from you long enough."

She joined him in the washroom and submitted to his touch. He washed her tenderly, then left her to retrieve a set of clothes. He carefully dressed her then quickly washed himself and limped back out into the room to retrieve his own clothing, but she was right there to support him and hand him the garments.

Her shoulder dipped a bit with the weight of him steadying himself, a practice that had been missing for months, and it felt good to be a help rather than a burden even in so small a measure.

His hands met her shoulders; his breath her ear.

"Thank you, my love."

He leaned down and she reached up to meet his lips. She wound her arms around his midsection and held him, luxuriating in the warmth of his arms. Oh how she had missed the feel of him holding her like this.

"You're most welcome, husband. Now we have some talking to do still, but I must confess to being famished."

"Well then, we must remedy that. This way, my dear."

He entwined their fingers and pulled her along again. Delighted with his playfulness, she allowed him to lead her around and found her heart light with joy. His actions were reminiscent of the time when they first settled into their home.

Side by side, they put together a small meal. While this in itself was nothing new, the absence of her own tension was a blessed relief. They had resumed this practice soon after she came home, however she was always on her guard to avoid the casual and more purposeful touches that occurred naturally between them. It didn't take long for him to realize what she was doing and make his own corrections so she didn't have to avoid him. Apparently, it had become second nature for him to carefully avoid touching her in such a way where she hadn't noticed it. While she appreciated his efforts, it was time to bring back the casual and not so casual touches.

"John?"

She stopped him with a hand to his arm. His dark eyes shifted to her, pausing his actions to refocus on her.

"I know that you have managed to learn how to maneuver without touching me, even with your broad frame, and I am grateful for each and every adjustment you have made to accommodate my needs. Even the ones I've yet to notice. If you don't mind terribly, I would like you to stop holding yourself back. I miss your touches. When our hands or arms brush. When you approach me from behind and wrap me in your arms. I know it may take a while, but will you try? Please?"

"Of course, I will."

He smoothed the length of her arms with his hands, turned her and gave her a light pinch on her backside. She felt her cheeks warm as she turned and caught his eye, smiling wide.

"Two can play at that game, Mr. Bates."

Finishing up the meal, they both sat down to eat. With the weight of the impending conversation in the air, both made their way through the meal quietly and efficiently. Leaving the cleanup for later, they both dropped their dishes on the sideboard and moved to the living room.

He sat on the settee and arranged himself so he could stretch out his leg. Anna settled in his embrace and reclined against him, enjoying the closeness.

"As a young man, I struggled with my temper. It was so easy for me to get enraged and I enjoyed taking my anger out on the first person to get in my way. In the army, I still had those bouts of rage but they became focused, deadly and aimed at the nearest enemy. I did my service, though I'm not proud of everything I did as you know."

The rumble of his voice soothed her, as it always had. It amazed her how much of him she craved now. Even the smallest touch or sound was a balm to her soul. He must have suffered so much doing without, if her current state is anything to go by. She ran her fingers through the hairs covering his forearms.

"Once I learned to control my impulses in prison, I had no outlet for the rage that would surge in me from time to time. It was then that my mind became the place my rage would go. It has taken on many forms over the years – doubt, self-criticism, fear, vengeance, insecurity, determination and an altered view of reality. Vast landscapes of dark and lonely worlds formed with my rage flowing through them like a river of lava. Dark places of my mind where my demons lurk and toil, casting shadows over all my perceptions. You have dealt with and fought these tendencies in me for so long. Many of them you beat into submission with such tenacity and love. Once the worst of my second imprisonment was behind us, I never thought I would feel the burn of that rage again. We were both happy and content with one another here at Downton. I was lulled into this blissful state of security and love, thinking that my many tribulations were a thing of the past and that nothing evil could penetrate the bounds of Downton and our love."

His words stopped. She too felt as if every difficulty lay in the past once he was exonerated and released. Surely anything that would befall them would pale in comparison to his conviction and sentence to hang from the gallows. The thought of how close he came still sent chills through her.

"Are you cold, Anna?"

"No, I was thinking about what you said and how close you came to…"

"Shh… the truth prevailed, and not for the first time in my life. Every single time it was because of you."

"When Green came into our lives, jealousy was the first demon to appear. I was never jealous of Vera because it became clear early on that whatever attraction was there was superficial and gone before I left for the war. When I came back and she was so… well I just couldn't bring myself to care. I wanted to be rid of her and eventually she left. My biggest regret was letting her leave without formally ending the marriage. I was jealous of his attentions to you. As they progressed, my insecurities rose again and I was beside myself. It was clear in my addled mind that another man, though not Green himself, could be and would be so much better for you. I snapped at you. I scowled at him. I was miserable because it was so easy to see how much differently you and a man your age would interact."

"Oh John. Don't you think I could have had someone before you? I was surrounded by young, dashing boys for many years. None of them ever caught my fancy. Then you walked in and suddenly my life became about more than just my job. You were a man, not a boy. Large, virile, and yet reserved. Many who saw you didn't see beyond the cane. It was my good fortune that they were oblivious to what kind of man you were because that freed you to be mine, first in private then finally before the world."

"They never had a chance, for I was smitten from the moment you smiled at me."

His lips pressed a kiss to her head and his arms squeezed her.

"At any rate, once I became aware of what actually happened to you the rage simmered and grew in my mind. I considered a great many ways of killing that man and making him suffer. You must realize that despite these vivid, shameful fantasies, my first loyalty is to you and taking care of you. After nearly losing my life by swinging from a rope, I vowed that I would devote what remains of my life to your happiness and not even the rage could override that vow. But neither could it stop me from killing and torturing this man in my mind. The need to avenge this horrible trespass against you, my wife, my heart, my soul was ever present. So what I could not do in life I have done in fantasy. I know that this is wrong and sinful, however I will gladly accept the consequences of the thoughts if it prevents you from having to accept the consequences of my actions. I have done much wrong in this life, but I did not steal the silver for which I was imprisoned. Neither did I take the life for which I was imprisoned. I would never take this man's life, although…"

His voice trailed off and he shuddered beneath her. When she got up and sat next to him, he was hiding his face in the crook of his arm. She thought she knew what was bothering him, but she wanted to hear it from him.

"Although what, John?"

His voice dropped to a level that she could barely hear.

"Although, I've wished him dead nearly every day since I found out what he did."

"I know. I have too. Not that often, but I have wished for terrible things to happen to him for what he did to me. For what he did to us. No one has to know and I'll not have you feeling guilty or shame for it. He is simply not worth it!"

Anna moved his arm and he met her eyes.

"You know, there was a time I would have been upset by your words and thoughts, but if there's anything I've learned these past months, it is that you have put me first in everything. I just wish I never pushed you away. I wish I had the faith in you that you deserved."

"Your fear wasn't completely unfounded. I do have a temper and I did want to retaliate. I don't blame you. I have never blamed you for feeling that way. It's behind us now, at any rate and we are here together. We have spoken honestly, made love and confessed our demons. Things have finally gotten back on track and you, my lovely wife, are rising from the ashes like a Phoenix in its full glory – powerful, beautiful and fierce, and I admire your strength and tenacity now more than ever."

She yielded to him as he gathered her in his arms and held her close. She pulled back to look at him, curious about his actions from earlier. She wanted to understand it from his perspective. She thought it was because he was mad at her for being short with him.

"John, why did you leave the room earlier?"

"Anna…The answer to that question won't do either of us any good."

"Perhaps not, but hiding things from one another hasn't done any good either."

"I stopped because you gasped. I didn't know if you were sore from the previous night, sensitive in that area from the attack or if you were just gasping in pleasure. I couldn't tell, so I stopped."

Anna thought about his answer. He didn't answer her question directly, but went back to when he stopped and explained that which she didn't ask. Thinking back, it made sense now why he had stopped to check. They were so in tune with one another prior to the attack, but things are different now. She needed to know more.

"Go on. Tell me why you left."

His eyes drifted to the floor, to the ceiling and then finally landed on hers. He was torn between the honesty they had always given one another and the sliver of doubt this would be for her. One that contradicted what he had said last night about her being nothing like Vera. He was well and truly out of his depth – damned if he told her and damned if he didn't. There was no good way out of this quandary and he was sure that it showed all over his countenance.

"Anna. I love you. More than anything in this world. I would lay the entire world at your feet if I were able. I would do anything you bid me to do to make you happy. Please, Anna, please don't ask this of me."

Anna sat back and observed John. His pallor was ashen. His eyes were fearful. His hands, laying softly on her waist, trembled. He was well and truly afraid of telling her why he left. Her mind turned over the events of the previous evening and this morning. It wasn't a problem with their desire or completion. It wasn't that she was violated by Green as he had made it clear to her he saw only her not the marks of him upon her. It wasn't anything from the war since the anguish that accompanied those demons was absent. She could only think of one time that she witnessed John in this same condition.

"Vera."

She whispered the name of the vile woman that John had married and sought his eyes again, recognizing the resignation that told her she was on the right track. That vile woman was roasting in Hell, but apparently she was haunting him in some fashion and it had to do with what happened between them this morning. Neither of them drank; him out of necessity and her out of deference to him, so that wasn't the issue. It had to be when he stopped at her gasp, but she didn't see a change in him at that point. She snapped at him, but he handled that in pretty much the same manner as he had been all along. He apologized and gave her space. Although not in an intimate setting, he had done that all throughout her return to the cottage and recovery. She tried to make the connection, but she couldn't see it.

She returned her focus to him and found his eyes closed, but not for sleep.

"John."

His eyes opened and she read the turmoil and pain immediately. He shook his head slightly, probably willing her to drop the subject. That was out of the question. He was troubled and hurting and didn't want to tell her most certainly to protect her.

"Just this once, Anna. I'm begging you. I would be on my knees before you, prostrate and groveling if I could manage it. Please let this go. Anna, please trust me. You must."

"I can't. I won't have any more secrets between us. Not when it causes you so much pain. Look how much pain that my lies and secrets caused us. It very nearly tore us apart. I'm sorry, John, but I won't have it. Tell me."

He let out a long sigh and tightened his embrace, gathering her to his chest. He dropped a kiss on her head, his arms from her waist and began to speak.

"Vera and I were both young when we married. We fought and had sex in the same manner; loud, rough and passionate. There was no tenderness between us, ever. It didn't occur to me until later that the lack of it should have been a sign, a warning that we wouldn't be right for one another. Things went along well enough for the first year, but she seemed to grow tired of me and I became aware that it wasn't love I felt for her. When I was sent off to Africa, I hoped that the distance created would help mend things. It has been said that absence makes the heart grow fonder. While this was true for you and me, it was the opposite for me and Vera. When I came back, things were much worse."

She moved off his lap and shifted her body to face him on the settee. He was resigned now to telling her, but the evidence of fear was lingering on his features. His color had not come back and his hands still trembled. Seeing him in such distress, she began to doubt her decision but it was done now so she would see it through.

"I honestly don't know why she wanted to have sex with me at all when I got back. She seemed to hate and resent me so much, that it seemed illogical. But she did. The first couple times, it was like before. After that, she seemed to use it to punish me. I tried to please her, but it was becoming impossible. She started to berate me while having sex. I tried to make up for everything, the distance, the injury, my drinking and all by treating her differently when we were intimate. I tried being gentle and loving with her, to ease the pain and suffering, but it did nothing more than unleash the worst in her. It wasn't only the words she flung at me, but how she said them. The tone. "

His voice trailed off and it finally occurred to her what happened between them this morning. The tone of her voice is what bothered him. She spoke her next words softly, keeping her emotions in check so he would continue talking. She needed to know as much as possible if she had any hope of avoiding this in the future.

"What happened this morning…it was the tone of voice that upset you?"

"Yes, Anna. When I heard the tone of voice that your words had, the hairs on the back of my neck stood up and it felt like ice water running through my veins. I am sure that she was with other men before I left and while I was away, but she insisted on continuing that part of our marriage, I think to punish me the way she felt I punished her. It got worse and worse, until I refused to be with her in that way."

Anna nodded, feeling shame and embarrassment swirling about. She wondered how many other times he had that reaction to her with all the times she hurt John with her words, her lies, her venom.

"Was this how you felt when I was so…ugly to you, after what happened?"

"No Anna. Today was the first day that I had that reaction. I'm starting to wonder, though, if it isn't me that is the problem. Vera made no secret of her belief that I ruined her. After this morning, it crossed my mind that maybe I am ruining you as well. I don't want that for you. I know what you said. How he is to blame and not me, but it rattled me. I'm sorry…you should never be compared to Vera. Ever. I didn't want to voice these thoughts to you. I know you will be thinking about this after today, but know this Anna. I didn't want to tell you because I believed this to be an isolated incident. We're still navigating through being intimate again after what happened. Even though I had that reaction, it doesn't mean all is lost. I love you and I know that you love me and what we have, even now after everything, is so much more and so much better than anything I have ever experienced with anyone and especially Vera."

"Thank you for trusting me, for telling me what happened. I didn't understand. I didn't know. I want nothing hidden between us, even this. I don't like it and don't know quite what to do with it now that I know, but I am glad it's out and we can move on from it."

"Anna, I'm sorry I've given myself over to all of these dark thoughts and doubts that have plagued me for these many months. I'm sorry that I felt I had to protect you from them rather than talk to you and let you set me straight. I won't hide from you anymore, my darling, in thoughts, words or actions."

"That's all I can ask. I make the same promise to you, John. If I have a bad day, I will tell you. If I don't want to talk then, I will talk to you about it later rather than hide it from you. It's not for you to be sorry. I have been directing how things are between us, as you have said and allowed. It is for me to apologize and to thank you for everything you have done to bring me and us back to a safe, open, and loving place in our marriage. I don't know how I ever would have made it through this without you."


	9. Chapter 9

**AN:** As always, your continued interest in this story is appreciated, with a special thanks to those few who take the extra time to leave a review. In this chapter, we have skipped a little time here to move the story forward. Anna has a panic attack/flashback in this one, but there is no overt retelling of the incident so it shouldn't serve as a trigger. I thought I would mention it just in case. All mistakes are mine.

Ch. 9

Anna woke up to John's hand on her shoulder. A sweep of her hand across the sheets lets her know that John had just gotten up also. Over the weeks since she confronted John, his sleeping habits have seemed to improve greatly. She had only awoken to find the bed empty once and further investigation found him downstairs icing his knee. She hated the struggle he had with the injury, but was relieved to find him reading rather than in the throes of torment.

She got up to face the day, knowing that to delay the inevitable was a futile enterprise. Their routines have mostly gone back to what they were pre-incident. He was learning to adjust again to their new normal and had become much more tactile. He did avoid sneaking up on her, as it often caused her turmoil when she was startled. She smiled at him as he came out of the bathroom, smartly dressed with a single lock of hair floating above his brow. She wrapped her arms around his neck when he came to her and kissed him good morning.

"I'll be downstairs waiting for you, Anna. We're early enough to have breakfast at the Abbey, if you prefer. Or I can make something."

"Hmm, let's eat at the Abbey. That way we don't have to waste time later with cleanup."

She watched his eyes twinkle and ran her hands down the planes of his chest, smoothing the lapels of his suit jacket.

"I'm sure we can find more enjoyable pursuits than scrubbing dishes, don't you think husband?"

She sighed as his arms tightened around her and his hot breath moved across her ear.

"I can find endless enjoyment in pursuing your pleasure, my darling."

She shivered at his words and kissed him once more.

"Best let me go or we will miss breakfast."

She smiled as he chuckled while making his way downstairs.

The rest of the day went normally. They were both busy, but exchanged looks and touches when they encountered one another. It was nice to have their rapport back and on display. She was so tired of her and John being the subject of gossip.

Thanks to Lady Mary, Anna found herself in the boot room this afternoon. She had forced herself to come into this room day after day when she was staying here, knowing that it was a part of her job and John would notice if she avoided it. What happened here still crossed her mind every time she entered, but the spectre of Green was minimized now that John knew everything about what happened. She was reaching for the polishing tray when a commotion happened in the servants' hall. Someone had moved the wood table and the sound of it grinding across the floor transported her instantly to that night when Green had pushed her into the table. She fell to the floor and scrambled to the corner, sobbing uncontrollably as the smells and pain of what he did came back to her. The stink of his sweat and breath, the throbbing of her ribs and head, the feeling of helplessness as he forced himself upon her. Her chest heaved and breathing became almost impossible as she was rendered unable to call for help once again.

John's mind was full of duties he needed to attend to for his Lordship as discussed earlier in the day. As he reached the bottom of the stairs in the servants' hall, he saw one of the new footman trip and fall into the table launching the tray he was carrying in the air. Before the tray landed he swore he heard Anna cry out. His eyes scanned the room for her, but she wasn't there. He concentrated but couldn't hear her anymore due to the resulting commotion. Unwilling to make the same mistake twice, he started to look for her first in the kitchen, then in Mrs. Hughes' pantry. Finding those clear, he went to the boot room and found her huddling in the corner struggling to breathe.

He approached her swiftly, dropping his cane and maneuvering down to the floor next to her. She didn't seem to be aware of his presence, so he spoke to her before touching her. A learned technique from her ongoing nightmares. His voice would draw her back to the present so she wouldn't strike out at him.

"Anna, I'm here love."

As soon as she heard his voice, her eyes cut over to him and she scrambled over onto his lap clinging to him. He wound his arms around her and whispered to her trying to get her to calm down and breathe properly before she fainted. He was relieved as the hysteria she felt subsided into sobbing. He looked up to see Mrs. Hughes in the doorway, a concerned look on her face.

"Take her home, once she's settled down. I will cover for her tonight. You will have to come back, though, there's no one to cover."

He nods in thanks and shifts his focus back to his wife, who has finally settled down.

"Oh, John. Your leg!"

She moved off of him and wiped her face on the skirt of her dress.

"I must get back."

He reached out and encircled her wrist without pressure.

"My orders are to take you home and you are not to come back until tomorrow morning. I think you're going to have to find someone to help me up."

A crooked smile graced his face as she peered down at him and nodded. He sat there waiting and cringed inwardly when she brought Thomas. He supposed it was better than the new footman who seemed to have no coordination.

"Mr. Bates."

He nodded to Thomas and arranged himself to come up on his good leg. Thomas pulled and he was up on his feet, steadied by Barrow and Anna on either side of him.

"Thank you, Thomas."

He held his hand out and after a slight hesitation, Thomas shook it briefly and nodded. He moved quickly out the door after Anna thanked him as well.

"Come, my love. Let's go home and get you settled. I have to return, but we will have some time together."

"John, no. You won't be able to walk back tonight if you make the trip now."

He looked down at his lovely wife and smiled. Prior to the incident, she was always more concerned about him even at her own expense. In the aftermath of the incident, his comfort or discomfort rarely registered with her at all.

Only the big things would catch her attention, like not letting him sleep on the floor in their room when she returned to the house. She couldn't stand to be near him, but couldn't stand for him not to be in their room with her. His compromise was to sleep on the floor, but she wouldn't hear of it and he would never allow her to sleep on the floor. He was about to offer to buy them separate, smaller beds for the room, but she conceded that they would share the bed. He made sure that he gave her space and learned to sleep on the very edge of the bed.

Now, here they were months later, weeks after she had put an end to their emotional separation and she was once again fretting over him. It felt so good to know that she noticed him; that he mattered to her again.

"I will ice it down while at the house, my dear. Come now, we have a short break. Let's not waste it."

He poked out his free elbow, which she took readily and they set out for home slowly. Once they were outside of the ears of the Abbey, he glanced down at her trying to ascertain how to approach her about what happened. This would be their first test since they agreed to keep nothing from each other.

"John, about what happened, earlier. I was in the boot room and I heard someone move the table across the floor. The grinding noise reminded me of the one I heard on that night and suddenly I was back in the midst of the attack. I could smell him, feel his hands, the throbbing pain of all the places on me that were hurt. It was all too much. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't scream. I couldn't do anything. All I wanted was you and I couldn't call for you, just like that night. Then I was enveloped by your scent and I heard you call my name and I finally came back to the present. Thank you, John for being there for me. I know it wasn't easy for you to stay on the floor or to accept help from Thomas of all people."

"You don't have to thank me, but you're welcome all the same. As for Barrow, I really didn't have a choice."

"But how did you know I was there? Who else saw me?"

He noted the worry that tinged her voice. They had spoken at length about being the focus of the Abbey gossip chain and he was sure she feared that it would act up again after her scene in the boot room.

"I was coming into the hall and thought I heard you between the table moving and the tray crashing to the ground when the new footman tripped. I didn't hear you again, because of all the noise but I went to look for you anyway to make sure you were ok. Mrs. Hughes came in, although I'm not sure how she found us, and told me to take you home for the evening."

Anna nodded her acknowledgement of his account and stepped forward to unlock the door. She took John's jacket, collar and tie from him and put them away.

"Sit down and I'll get you some ice for your leg."

He gingerly maneuvered himself onto the settee and raised his leg to rest on the table. He rolled his head back and closed his eyes. The first test of the openness between them had gone better than he expected. She had been open about what happened, how she felt and she didn't argue about coming home.

He hissed as she put the ice bag on his leg. The weight of it hurting him and the coolness not yet penetrating the fabric of his trousers.

"John, why do you think this happened today? Everything seemed to improve once I told you things and then they got much better since we stopped hiding from one another. I thought that kind of thing would be over with."

"You would think so, but the mind is a mysterious thing. You know that I still have nightmares about the war. There are times when, like you experienced today, I am taken back to that time in a vivid and terrifying way where I could swear I was back in Africa. A sound, a smell, or a sight can be enough to replace reality with a vision of the past. It's happened in prison and even here at the Abbey. Not very often anymore, but it used to happen a lot when I came back from Africa. That's part of the reason I drank."

He rolled his head to look at her. She had a pensive look on her face as she tried to process his words.

"But you were overseas for years. Experienced gunfire, explosions, and even the horrors of killing people. Anyone would expect that to happen to a soldier."

"Anna, what happened to you was sudden, violent and traumatic. It changed you. It changed your life. Some changes were temporary and some were permanent."

He searched her eyes and saw understanding, so he continued.

"When you are walking the path to town, what does it remind you of?"

"The day I told you I love you."

"Yes, and when you smell bluebells?"

"Running through the fields as a child."

"Our memories, both good and bad, are connected to our senses, Anna. The fact that the sound triggered that memory is perfectly understandable. I can't promise you it will never happen again, but it will decrease in time as your nightmares have."

He smiled as she moved over and settled herself against his body and quickly drifted off into a peaceful slumber. Serenity washed over him as he kept watch over her sleeping form and savored the intimacy between them. He checked his watch and realized that more time had slipped away than he realized. He started moving gently to wake her and give some relief to his stiffened limbs.

"It's time for me to head back, Anna."

She nodded and got up swiftly to put the ice bag, now full of water, in the basin. She went upstairs and got him a new pair of trousers, since his were now wet.

"Stand up and take those off. It won't do to have you showing up to work in that state."

He leered at her as she looked up and met his eyes, letting her know exactly what would happen if he didn't have to go back to work.

"Stop that you, or I won't let you out of the house and we'll both end up sacked."

He chuckled as she helped him out of one pair and into the other pair of trousers, letting her hands brush against him just enough to tease him. It was a good thing he had the walk to clear his head of these thoughts before returning to work. She took his hand and led him to the door. He wrapped her in his arms and looked down at her.

"Rest tonight, my love. Take a long bath and relax. Don't worry about anything. The situation earlier couldn't be helped. Enjoy the night off and sleep if you can. You don't need to wait up."

She nodded her consent.

"Will you wake me and let me know when you're home?"

"Of course. I love you, Mrs. Bates."

"And I love you. Now, off you go."

John left the arms of his wife and set off to work. All in all, this setback she had today went much better than ones in the past. Day by day, they seemed to be growing stronger together. Some of it felt forced at first, but they both persisted and fell back into their natural rhythm together. He finally made it back to work and faced Thomas of all people in the courtyard, who gazed at him with disinterest rather than disdain for once.

"Thank you for helping me earlier. I wasn't careful getting to the ground and will pay for that mistake for a few days to come."

He didn't like having to express gratitude to Thomas, but he thought it might diffuse any snide remarks about his helplessness. Oh who was he kidding? It would do nothing of the sort, but Bates wouldn't lower himself to Barrow's level.

"Anna told me what happened. I've had flashbacks like that myself, as I'm sure you have as well. Is she ok now?"

"Yes, we talked about it and she was able to sleep a bit. She should be back tomorrow."

Thomas nodded and John moved to enter the Abbey.

"Ah…Mr. Bates. Might I have a quick word?"

"Of course, Mrs. Hughes."

John sighed as he followed the housekeeper through to her pantry. She motioned for him to sit, so he complied. She was always close with Anna and that relationship had strengthened greatly during the many tribulations Anna suffered, most because of him. Even despite all that, Mrs. Hughes had warmed to him early on and had become a friend after the learning about the brace for his leg.

"How is Anna?"

He explained to her what happened and told her about the triggers much in the same way he had to Anna. Once he made the connection, he could see the understanding dawn on her face. She knew now that an incident with him only she had witnessed was a flashback he had.

"So that's what happened to you, years ago when I came upon you in the hall and you fled like a scared rabbit. I was so worried…you were pale, sweating and your eyes had a look of terror I hadn't seen before, until I saw Anna that night."

"Yes. Someone had cut themselves and the smell of blood took me back to Africa. I'm sorry I lied to you, but I find it difficult to trust anyone and you know how I am about asking for help."

"I can manage. I've heard that from you more than once."

They both chuckled and he started to stand.

"Please, don't leave yet Mr. Bates."

He settled down again and glanced at Mrs. Hughes, whose expression still showed concern.

"Is something else wrong?"

"No, Mr. Bates. I was just wondering how you are?"

He looked at her, a bit confused.

"I'm sorry, I don't know…"

"How is your leg? I saw you burst into the boot room as I was coming from the other direction. You came down on your leg very hard in your concern for Anna. I know it must be hurting you."

"Ah…yes, it does hurt. We iced it down earlier, but the soreness won't settle in until tonight."

"The extra walking won't help either, will it? I will get the chauffer to drive you back tonight. No one will know. If you can't manage the walk in the morning, send word with Anna and we'll work around it for the day."

He started to protest, but withered under the steely glare of the housekeeper.

"None of that from you. You intimidated me once and I know I should probably be scared of you, but I'm not. Off you go. His Lordship should be ringing for you soon."

They stood together and she followed him to the door. He turned to her before he opened the door.

"Mrs. Hughes?"

She looked up at him as he looked down at her, his expression softening.

"Thank you for looking out for Anna and myself. And thank you for being there for her when I could not."

He leaned down and kissed her cheek, then left to answer the bell leaving a stunned, teary eyed housekeeper in his wake.


	10. Chapter 10

**AN:** Heaps of gratitude to those reviewing and reading this story. There is more to come as i am currently in chapter 12, which is not yet the end of the story. I am diligently trying to keep ahead of my posting schedule. I believe I'm on the last leg of this journey, but we will see where the muse faeries take us. The lovely Mrs. Hughes has decided another appearance is in order. Thanks again!

Ch 10

Anna bolted upright in bed and felt her heart racing in her chest. The nightmare had been vivid. Images of Green assaulting her intermixed with images of John beating the man to death and hanging from the gallows. Unsure of why these images came to her now, when things between her and John improved every day, she muttered to John that she didn't remember much and would talk to him later. It was close enough to their appointed waking time that they both decided to get up and get ready for the day. It had been a month and a half since her flashback in the boot room and until today nothing had surfaced of the past.

She saw John's concern, but brushed it away telling him she was fine and assured him they would talk later when they had enough time to deal with it. As the day went on, she started to get annoyed with his fretting. He hadn't said anything to her as she wouldn't stop long enough for him to question her, but the looks he was giving her said plenty. An uneasiness was growing in her mind and she wanted to get a handle on it before she spoke to John about it. It made her nervous and she feared that she might lose all the progress she had gained if she spoke about it before she was in control of it. She was pondering the source of her discontent as she moved down the hallway when she was suddenly swept into a room and heard the door close behind her.

She registered John's presence and met him with anger rather than the fear that rose up for a few seconds until she was able to comprehend the situation.

"What's the meaning of this, John?"

The tone of her voice wounded him, but she didn't care at this point.

"There's been something off with you all day, my love. If I didn't know better, I would think that you were avoiding me again. I'm concerned. I just want to help."

"Well I'm fine. I've been doing my work and I need to get back to it."

She pulled against him when he reached out and held her arm lightly to stop her.

"Leave me alone!"

She watched as he let go of her, as if her skin had burned him. His face registered horror like he had hurt her, then defeat as he realized she wouldn't talk to him. She stood silently as he grabbed his cane, looked at her with concern marring his features, and left the room. When she heard the door click shut, her anger evaporated and was immediately replaced by regret. Her heart broke open as she sat down on the chair in the room and sobbed, finally relenting to the emotions swirling within her.

DA – DA – DA

John was worried about his wife. He heard her crying after he shut the door, but he was afraid of making things worse if he went back in. As fast as his feet could carry him, he went looking for Mrs. Hughes. Fortunately for him, she was ahead of him in the corridor.

"Mrs. Hughes, can you come here for a moment?"

He saw the concern on her face and knew it was probably the frantic look he had on his own causing her to worry.

"Anna had a nightmare this morning. She wouldn't speak of it and has been preoccupied all day. I took her into a room to try and talk to her, but I'm afraid I made her mad. Do you mind checking on her? She started crying a few moments after I left."

His voice registered the defeat he felt, but knew that he could whole heartedly trust Mrs. Hughes. He didn't have to put on a front for her and after this encounter with Anna, he didn't have the strength to even try.

"Of course. Where is she?"

He pointed to the room and thanked her as he heard Mr. Carson call him. Apparently, Lord Grantham needed to see him about something. Sighing, he took leave of Carson and went to see Lord Grantham.

DA – DA – DA

Anna heard the door to the room open and hoped that John had come back, but he hadn't. The tears had faded into a few sniffles. Mrs. Hughes pulled a chair next to her and took her hands.

"Anna, what's wrong dear? What's happened?"

"It's me. It's always me. I don't know how he endures it."

"Endures what, Anna?"

"Me! My mood swings. My sharp and sometimes hateful words. My hiding from him. My deception. My lies. All of it. Why does stay? I'm no better than that evil harpy of a woman he married. Surely he's mentioned at least some of this to you."

"No, no he hasn't. He came to me the one time to make me tell him what happened to you. I've never seen him like that. He is a big man, but so reserved and genteel that I never thought to be afraid of him. That night he came to me, he was completely different. I could see the soldier in him. The man who had been trained to kill and had done so on a field of battle. The man who wouldn't take no for an answer. Don't mistake me, I wasn't afraid that he would harm me or you, but I knew that he would do anything to get answers and part of that was using his bearing to frighten me."

"He was embarrassed about doing that to you. We talked about it at length. How desperate he felt. How terrified he was that he was losing me."

"He loves you, Anna, with his whole heart. That's why he endures, when others would have left. That's why he tried to spare you in the beginning. Now tell me what this is about, hmm?"

"You saw how I treated him after the rape. Everyone saw. When I moved home it didn't change much."

She saw the surprise register on the housekeeper's face and knew that he had never mentioned her mood swings or anything else once she moved home. The depth of the suffering he endured alone was staggering.

"He never said anything, Anna. I watched him and he seemed happy and content to have you home. I assumed that things improved rapidly after that."

"No, he confided in no one. He lost me. He lost his mother. He would never burden Lord Grantham with a personal issue that he didn't need his Lordship to be involved in. He had no one. When I first came back I wouldn't let him near me unless I needed it from him, mostly to be touching his hand or his chest after a nightmare. He learned to avoid touching me, even if it meant something as small as brushing fingers when he passed me a cup. He rarely slept, early on because of all my nightmares. When I finally told him everything, the nightmares slowly disappeared for me and I was able to sleep again. He was tormented by his own demons and more often than not I would wake alone. I was mad at him for not talking to me. Not wanting me. Not telling me what bothered him so much that he rarely slept. I was very cold to him at first and then I felt numb. Indifferent to what he felt. Unaware of what he was going through. Unable to be a wife to him in any way. I didn't do anything for him. He did everything at the cottage, made every suggestion to go somewhere, and always gave me what I needed. Anything I asked he gave me, except a divorce."

Her eyes remained glued to the floor. She was overwhelmed with shame at how she treated John, but also it felt good to own up to her actions and not be on this pedestal everyone seems to put her on.

"Surely it wasn't as bad as you make it sound."

"It was. Probably worse. He never faltered and got angry with me, well except for the divorce. He was irate that I would suggest it. Perhaps he did get upset and I didn't notice, though I doubt it. He had the patience of Job. He set aside his desire, his needs, his wants and his pride to cater to my every whim. For months on end this went on until I woke up one night, alone again. I was angry and frustrated. I made up my mind that this had to stop and confronted him. I had to do it. I had to show him that I was healed and ready to move forward with him. He would never force that on me. And I did. We talked and confessed and reconnected on every level. He forgave me and reassured me of his love and desire. He asked me to help him by reassuring him during more intimate activities, given what happened. Of course, I readily agreed and then at the worst possible moment I forgot myself and snapped at him. He deserved to be angry, but instead just told me he was sorry and went downstairs. He didn't do anything wrong!"

She heaved a sigh and tears started building again as she recalled his defeat. Her mind drifted to the scene in the kitchen where she figured out he was considering leaving her.

"He was going to leave me, you know."

"Certainly not! Why would you say such a thing? He adores you."

"He does and he can't bear to see me unhappy. After I snapped at him, his mind started to process everything and he came to the conclusion that he wasn't able to make me happy. That I was becoming this awful person I didn't want to be because of him. That someone who didn't know what happened to me would be able to fulfill the needs he couldn't. I tried to talk him out of it, but he wouldn't listen so I forced him to promise me he would stay."

They both chuckled, knowing that he would do just about anything for her.

"So how did you get to this point?"

"Oh, Mrs. Hughes, I just don't know. After the scene in the boot room everything was fine. I had a nightmare this morning and John has been after me all day with those concerned looks of his. He finally pulled me in here and I just let him have it. I turned to leave and he took my arm to stop me, without any force I might add, and I screamed at him to leave me alone. He dropped my arm and left, which is when I imagine he went to find you."

"Not quite, my dear. He lingered outside the door and heard you crying. He told me of the nightmare, your preoccupation, and his concern. He mentioned that he pulled you in the room and upset you. He was afraid of making it worse, so he didn't go back in and asked me to look in on you. I didn't understand his reluctance to return to you when he told me, but I do now. What you have told me explains a great deal of what I have seen and haven't seen with respect to Mr. Bates."

Anna felt Mrs. Hughes' eyes on her and reluctantly met her gaze.

"Now, why don't you tell me what happened after the boot room a few weeks ago."

"Well, after I calmed down and fetched Thomas to help Mr. Bates up off the floor, we went home. Once we were far enough away from the Abbey, I told him what had happened and what triggered it. We discussed it more at home and he explained why that kind of thing would happen. I fell asleep next to him while he had the ice on his leg. He went to work. I stayed home and relaxed as he told me and that was it, until this morning."

While she was still confused, she could see understanding dawning in Mrs. Hughes.

"Why didn't you talk to Mr. Bates this morning?"

"I told myself and him it was because there wasn't enough time, but I was scared. Scared of going back to the way I was. Scared of what I saw in the dream. Scared of making John feel guilty. In my dream, I was reliving the attack. But at some point I also started to see images of John beating that man to death and images of him swinging from a rope. I woke up terrified and I didn't know how to tell John what I dreamed of. The unease in my mind loomed larger throughout the day. John knew. He always knows, but I dismissed his concerns at every turn and when he confronted me I lashed out."

Anna started crying again and took the handkerchief Mrs. Hughes held out for her.

"I don't want to be this way anymore. I don't want to hurt him anymore. He doesn't deserve this."

"No, no he doesn't, but he loves you and will endure this. Do you know why today went so wrong?"

She shook her head. She was so confused and ashamed, she couldn't really think clearly.

"I believe that things went so badly today because you didn't talk to him about what happened. You told me that when you told him everything, your nightmares went away. When you spoke to him about what happened in the boot room nothing further troubled you."

She nodded, waiting for the housekeeper to continue.

"But this morning, you didn't tell him. You fell into the same pattern as before, trying to protect him by keeping it all inside. I'm afraid you aren't as adept as your husband at bottling things up. You never have been. And when you do, it seems that you lash out at him when his attention makes you feel unworthy or undeserving."

Suddenly, everything made sense. She should have seen it, but it didn't matter now. All that mattered was that she knew how to fix this. It wouldn't be perfect, but it would help matters greatly.

"Thank you, Mrs. Hughes, for everything."

"You're welcome, my dear. Now go find that stubborn, brooding husband of yours and talk to him!"

Anna bounded out the door in search of John. When she finally came across Mr. Carson in the servants' hall, he told her John had gone home and he would be back later. Knowing she had leave from Mrs. Hughes she set off quickly home to find John and apologize to him.


	11. Chapter 11

**AN:** Though I've repeatedly expressed my thanks to those of you who are reviewing and/or reading, I don't mean it any less. Thanks for continuing on this journey with me. Bates gets a little beat up in this chapter, but he'll be fine. The Earl will be making an appearance in the next chapter. All disclaimers still apply and all mistakes are still my own. Enjoy!

Ch 11

Anna burst into the cottage and called for her husband. Not hearing anything she quickly searched the house and stopped in her tracks when her eyes fell on his valise by the door. She didn't know of any impending trip and neither John nor Mrs. Hughes mentioned one to her. She sat on the stairs and tried to make sense of what she was seeing. She replayed the confrontation in the room with John and realized that she yelled at him to leave her alone. Surely he wouldn't. He promised. She tried to remember how he phrased it. ' _Anna Bates, I promise to stay by your side always. I will never choose to leave you._ ' He would never choose to, but he would if she chose. She had forced the wrong promise from him. Panic started to set in as she realized that her worst fear was coming true. She got up and ran from the cottage to find John and convince him not to leave, even if she had to physically chain herself to him.

Chest heaving and tears flowing from her eyes, she ran straight into John as he was heading into the courtyard and knocked him off balance and into the wall. She heard his grunt of pain and started crying in earnest, clinging to him with the desperation she felt rolling off of her in waves. She was trying to convince him to say, but nothing intelligible came from her lips while she was so upset and gasping for air.

DA – DA – DA

One minute John was heading home a bit early after leaving word for Anna and the next he was nearly knocked off his feet by her, crashing into the wall with a painful thud. She was hysterical again, clinging to him, struggling to breathe and crying. She sounded so desperate, he couldn't imagine what brought this on. Knowing there was no hope of talking to her until she calmed down, he dropped his cane and just held her using the wall for balance. He reached for his handkerchief and wiped her face tenderly as she looked at him at a loss for words. He knew she wasn't quite ready to talk, but he had to sit down or he would fall. She seemed to sense this as she grabbed his cane and led him to the crates. He shuffled up onto the crate, giving his sore leg and back a reprieve and motioned for her to join him. She chose to stand between his legs instead, gazing at him with fearful eyes.

"Anna?"

"John, please don't do this."

"Don't do what, Anna?"

"I'm sorry about earlier. I'll make it stop. I'll figure it out. Just don't, please?"

John was terribly confused. He knew that she was upset with him earlier, but Mrs. Hughes seemed to think she was better. If that was true, why is she so desperate now? Begging and pleading with him to not do something.

"Anna, please. Tell me what it is I've done wrong. I don't know what you're on about, but you're scaring me."

She took a deep, shuddering breath and searched his eyes. She seemed to come to a conclusion and her eyes and shoulders dropped.

"Please don't leave me, John. I know what you promised and I know that I told you to leave me alone, but I didn't mean for you to leave for good."

Her voice had dropped to a whisper and she wouldn't meet his eyes.

"What makes you think I am leaving you?"

"Your bag. It's by the door. No more than what you came to Downton with. You promised you wouldn't choose to leave. But I told you to leave me alone. I didn't mean it, John. I don't want you to go."

"Oh Anna, if you would've just talked to me today, all of this misunderstanding could've been avoided. Look at me, Anna. Please."

He waited until she raised her head to meet his eyes. He could see the turmoil and defeat in her posture, which saddened him.

"Anna Bates. I promise I won't leave you of my own free will. For better or worse. For richer or poorer. Isn't that how it goes, my darling? My bag is by the door because Lord Grantham is going to London tomorrow and I wanted to get it done so that I could have the time to get things between us straightened out. It was after I sent Mrs. Hughes to you that I found out. I came back and looked for you, but had to continue on in my work when I couldn't find you. I'm not leaving you, Anna."

He gathered her in his arms and pulled her up on his lap. He soothed her and held her until she pulled away.

"Oh John, I'm so sorry."

"Don't worry Anna. It will get better. This is just a slight bump in the road. Go finish up with Lady Mary and I'll wait for your downstairs. We'll go home together and talk about what's been troubling you all day."

He smiled as she kissed him soundly before untangling herself from him. He got off the crates and winced as his back made its displeasure known.

"What is it, John?"

"My back is smarting a bit after you tackled me. It will be fine."

A look of shame crossed her features at his words.

"I'm alright Anna. Nothing a little salve won't cure."

He watched her as she went inside and shook his head. They made so much progress, but then today happened and he feared that she would go right back to how she was months ago. Instead, she ended up in a panic that he would leave her. Even though it was a misunderstanding, it was gratifying to know that she cared. There was a time that she would have found that bag by the door and been relieved that he was leaving her. He shivered at the thought and decided to sit down and write a note to her. He hadn't done so in several weeks because they were finally communicating freely with one another. It seemed that doubts lingered in his dear wife's heart and he felt it was a perfect time to reinforce his commitment to her.

DA – DA – DA

Anna breezed upstairs to take care of Lady Mary, the weight of the day and John's leaving lifted. She would miss him terribly, but was safe in the knowledge that it was a part of his job not a separation from her after she treated him so callously. Very little conversation passed between the Lady and her maid, both content in the easy silence born of familiarity and trust. Once she had excused herself from Lady Mary's room, she ran into Mrs. Hughes who pulled her aside.

"So?"

"I went to the house to find him and found it empty except for his valise by the door. I jumped to the conclusion that he was leaving me and ran all the way back here just to literally run into him and plow him into the wall. I guess it is good it was there, because I would have tackled him to the ground otherwise. I was so distraught and so panicked that I never realized it was just a trip with his Lordship."

Anna watched the mirthful expression bloom on the housekeeper's face and soon they both were laughing.

"Oh my. You have had quite a day. Are you alright now?"

"Yes, I haven't told him of the dream or my fears, but I will before he leaves tomorrow. He deserves to know. The poor man has been ignored, yelled at, tackled and pleaded with and that's just today."

"Are you done with Lady Mary?"

"Yes, just now."

"Then go home and pamper that husband of yours. Lord knows he deserves it after today."

Mrs. Hughes winked at her and let her go. She bounded down the stairs to find John waiting for her, reading a book at the table.

"Are you done for the night, Mr. Bates?"

"Indeed. I seem to find myself without anything else to do here today."

"Well then, let's go home."

He got up and they left the hall together. She clung to him, but didn't say anything until they got home. Just enjoying the quiet walk with him under the stars. When they made it to the cottage, she closed the door behind her and leaned against it watching him loosen his tie and collar before sitting down to remove his shoes.

His eyes moved up to hers, waiting for her to break the silence. He sat up and watched her. She feels so embarrassed about her behavior and she is certain it must show on her face. She loves him so much.

"John, I'm sorry about today. The nightmare rattled me and I didn't want to discuss it when we didn't have enough time to address it and I was scared. Not only from the dream itself, but also that it could lead to a setback for me. Then this unease began to take hold in my mind and I was scared that I would fall back to how I was. I don't want to go back to how things were."

"You won't. You've come so far…we've come so far."

"Today, it didn't feel like it."

"Anna, come here and help an old man to his feet. We'll go upstairs, you can tell me about the wretched nightmare and we'll move on. One day at a time, together."

"You're not old, John."

He smiled as she rolled her eyes at him, but she really didn't consider him old. He held out his hands and she used her body as leverage to help him up. She cringed at his gasp of pain, no doubt a result of her colliding with him in the courtyard. It really was lucky that he hit the wall. He would've certainly cracked a rib if he had fallen all the way to the ground.

"You make your way upstairs and wash up. I will get the salve for you."

She watched him ascend the stairs much slower than normal. She gave him a head start so she wouldn't hover while he was in pain. When his leg was bad, his temper usually flared a bit. If she gave him some extra space, he wouldn't feel as self-conscious which improved his demeanor. She felt horrible for hurting him. Embarrassment still swirled with all the other emotional upheaval of the day. With a sigh, she climbed the stairs to go help her banged up husband.

He had managed to wash up and start undressing, but with the shirts and pants still on she could tell he was hurting much more than he let on. She went up to him and stood between his legs. She pulled him gently to her in a light embrace, running her fingers through his hair as she held him. She felt John hum in approval as she tried to soothe the turmoil of the day. He had told her how being held by her brought him solace and she hoped that it would do that for him tonight as well. After a few minutes, she felt him squeeze her a bit before pulling away and yawning.

"Let's get you doctored up and ready for bed, husband."

She smiled brightly at him, to take the sting out of having to be nursed.

"I couldn't wish for a better caregiver."

She handed him the salve so she could get him out of the remainder of his clothes. He followed her directions and let her help him get undressed without complaint. She trailed her fingers along his shoulders and arms, distracting him from the tasks at hand. Carefully, she got on the bed and arranged herself behind him to attend to his back. She reached cautiously around his torso to get the salve and hugged him gently before setting to the task. She gasped when she saw the extent of the damage.

"That bad?"

She sighed heavily and told him the truth of the matter.

"You have some bruising on the side opposite your cane. Do you think your ribs are cracked or broken?"

Her voice was small and contrite.

"No, I would be in much more pain and have difficulty breathing. I've had that type of injury before and this isn't nearly that bad. Really it's just stiff and sore. The salve and a powder should help."

She got some of the salve and rubbed it between her hands to warm it before touching John. She had done this for his leg before, but he didn't allow it very often. She began to lightly massage the area to warm and loosen the muscles, before taking more and kneading a bit harder to work the area and relieve the stiffness. She heard him hiss as she began to work, before releasing a sigh and relaxing into her hands. She continued in that manner until her own muscles and fingers burned with the effort. He must have sensed her discomfort because he gingerly got up and held his hand out with a towel for her.

They exchanged items and he placed the salve on the bureau, leaning against it while she wiped her hands and fetched his night clothes. She opted for an old white t-shirt since he had the salve on and swiftly dressed him. He held his arms open for her and she went to him, mindful of his injury. She felt him drop a kiss on top of her head and sighed as the scent of the salve filled her senses.

"Anna, please don't fret about what happened. It could've been much worse, but it wasn't. It already feels much better after you worked your magic on it. Thank you for caring for me so wonderfully."

She couldn't do as he asked, but she had put him through enough today and refused to argue with him. It just wouldn't be fair to antagonize him further or burden him with her feelings of guilt.

"I'll get the powder and some water for you."

She headed for the kitchen and poured him the water they kept in the ice box. He enjoyed the cold water, so she kept some especially for him. With everything in hand, she began to prepare herself to tell him of the nightmare as she went back upstairs.

He was sat on the edge of the bed, which meant that he was too sore to assume his normal reading position propped up against the headboard. He gratefully took the powder and grimaced at the taste. She giggled at his face, in spite of everything and he chuckled also. After finishing the water, he arranged himself carefully on the bed and faced her.

"Please Anna. Tell me what this is about."

DA – DA – DA

John listened as his wife spoke of her nightmare. Images of the attack and images of him. It certainly was disconcerting to hear about it and he now understood her reluctance to tell him. He knew that they both had probably imagined in great detail how John would beat the man. He knew how good it would feel to enact on Green the violence he enacted on Anna tenfold. It was disturbing to think that her mind conjured the attack, the beating, and the consequence together. Hopefully, it was a one off and won't be a recurring nightmare for her. She didn't need to see him in her nightmares along with Green.

When she finished, she was much closer to him stroking the hairs that peeked out over the collar of his shirt. He had intended to make love to her tonight, since he was leaving tomorrow, but that would not be with the injury sustained earlier today. Her eyes were heavy with sleep so he kissed her thoroughly and joined her in slumber.


	12. Chapter 12

**AN:** Hello again. Robert shows up in this chapter and I'm not really sure I have a handle on him, so he may not hold to the show's version. This may become more of an issue when he appears again later. As always, I extend my gratitude to those who review and all who continue to read. This has been an exercise in perseverance as I thought this story was complete when I started publishing it, until my muse demanded otherwise. As of today, there is still more to be written so I expect at least 3 more chapters. Enjoy!

Ch 12

Robert Crawley was walking near the outskirts of Downton, clearing his head after a disagreement with Cora. He hated fighting with her and felt it would be better to calm down rather than make things worse, which is how he found himself watching Anna come running up the road toward the side entrance looking terribly distressed. He picked up his pace meaning to see if she was ok, when he watched as she collided with Bates and her momentum pushed him into the wall. He stood transfixed by the scene unfolding in front of him, unnoticed by the couple. She was so upset that she was incoherent and the poor man looked utterly confused as he wiped the tears from her face. They moved to another area, presumably so he could sit or lean against something, which took them out of his sight but within hearing distance. Unable to leave now without being heard, he stood silently and listened to the conversation between the pair. The desperation in Anna's voice was countered by the quiet but firm reassurance of Bates. What on earth could have brought them to this point? She always fought so hard for him and with him. She was loyal and unwavering in her love and support of him. Bates had quite a lot of baggage, but the worst seemed to be behind them when he was released from prison having been exonerated.

The pair left to return to work and he turned on his heel and headed back to the Abbey, still troubled by the scene he had witnessed. He wandered up to the library, Bates and Anna still on his mind. He realized that his trip tomorrow was the catalyst of the drama that unfolded. However unintentional, the fact was he put into play a sequence of events that had caused Bates physical harm and emotional turmoil. It stirred up the feelings of guilt he had with regard to how he treated Bates after they were both home from the war.

John had taken the bullet meant for him and as such sustained permanent damage to his leg. He went to look in on him when he got back London from Africa, but Robert found a much different man than the one he fought beside on the field of battle. He was miserable, drunk and steeped in filth. His wife berated him during the visit as if they were alone. His eyes were glazed over and void of life. John muttered mostly short answers to his questions and Robert was truly at a loss. He didn't know how to help John and never went back. It shames him to this day that he never attempted to help John or let him know the extent of his gratitude. Even after agreeing to hire him, Robert let Carson goad him into firing the man for not being able to complete all the duties of a valet. Fired for an impediment that John sustained saving his life. If only he had come to his senses before Bates had to bear the humiliation of being fired and not after.

As he turned these things over in his mind, it occurred to him that there has been something amiss with Bates and Anna for many months now. She had moved out for a time and Bates, though ever stoic and silent on the matter, was not himself. He improved somewhat after she went back to the cottage, but he still was distracted more often than not. He was quieter than normal, if that were possible and he seemed to be weary all the time. Now that he thought about it, he also heard complaints about them both taking more time off than what they were allotted. When he had Carson and Mrs. Hughes look into the situation, they found that while they did take more time this year, there was plenty of time that neither of them, especially Anna, used in previous years. Because of their loyal and exemplary service to the family, he excused the matter and told Carson to quell the mutterings or he would look into everyone's service, attendance, and time off.

Robert went to his room, rang for Bates and waited for him to appear. Lost in thought, Bates efficiently took care of his needs and excused himself. Robert turned and watched his valet gingerly walk out of the room. The man was distracted again and looked to be in pain after the incident between him and Anna earlier. Even distracted, Bates carried out his duties to near perfection so he had no cause to interfere as his employer. But Bates was never just an employee. He had known John Bates for more than 20 years and has seen him in all manner of moods and personas. The dutiful batman, the fearsome killer, the loner, the hero, the brooder, the valet, and the husband. Bates was always close mouthed about his troubles, as a young man and he remains that way now. He rarely complained about his first wife, even though Robert knew the relationship must have been awful based on the few minutes he had witnessed them together. Most men were homesick and wrote home as often as they could. John wrote to his mother, but never home. In fact, before the injury Bates seemed to thrive being away from home, he enjoyed being a soldier and he was bloody fantastic at it. A perfect shot, a ruthless fighter, an efficient man in thought, movement and combat. Everything Bates did, he excelled at and gained the respect of all the men he served with. John Bates was his friend and he was determined to help, but how?

How do you approach a man as solitary and stoic as John Bates? That's the problem he faced and turned away from years ago. He couldn't do that again. As long as this has drawn out, surely it must be a grave problem between them. He decided that he would forego the business on this trip and instead try to help Bates in his time of continued turmoil. Perhaps he should have done something earlier, but he has a feeling that Bates wouldn't have said a word about it in the midst of the worst part of the storm. No matter. It was time that he fulfilled his part of the friendship outside of the magnanimity of his title. It was time for Robert and John to have a chat.

DA – DA – DA

John was stiff from traveling to London. The rain was aggravating his knee and the bruise on his back was sore from the jostle of the train ride. All in all, John felt as if he had been in a fight and couldn't wait to get his Lordship settled for the night. All he wanted to do was take something for the pain and lay completely and utterly still. Unfortunately, his Lordship seemed to want to talk.

"Bates, one more thing before you go."

Bates schooled his features so his exasperation wouldn't show through and patiently waited for the Earl to speak.

"Bates, there's been a change of plan for tomorrow. The meeting I had has been cancelled, so I won't require you until 9 am. When I'm ready, you will join me for breakfast and a chat, if that is agreeable."

A master at penning in his emotions, John didn't allow the surprise or worry to cross his features at this unexpected turn of events. While sharing a meal with the Earl wasn't uncommon on their trips, it was usually a late dinner after business was concluded. Never at the start of the day and never when the alternative of travelling home was available. John knew that his distress over the past months after Anna's attack was evident to his Lordship. Perhaps the Earl had finally reached the end of his tolerance of the situation. He would have to be far more careful in the future, if his diminished performance is what this whole discussion is about. There was nothing else that he imagined it could be and this worried him a bit.

"Of course, my Lord. Have a good evening."

With those words, he parted from the Earl's company to crawl into bed. He had hoped for a good night's sleep, but between the pain and this turn of events, John doubted he would sleep at all.

DA – DA – DA

The night passed better than he was expecting. John woke feeling stiff, but not as pained as he felt yesterday. He was able to sleep, probably from the exhaustion from the day of travel. He took extra care in his morning routine, since he would be in close proximity to the Earl for most of the morning. John, having extra time on his hands being an early riser, sat by the window and watched the fog lift. His thoughts wandered to Anna and what she would be doing at this time. Already at the Abbey, he envisioned her at the table for breakfast sipping her tea as the grumpiness she carried in the morning lifted, not unlike the morning fog.

His insomnia and her tendency to be an evening person paved the way for many evening conversations, anecdotes and assignations in the courtyard. On rare occasions, they ventured out into the warm evening lit by a full moon and meandered about the grounds finding shadowed alcoves beneath the broad limbs of an ancient tree or a sheltered pond surrounded by a natural barrier of overgrown shrubbery. Passionate kisses heightened the tension between them and wandering hands eased the ache that throbbed like a heartbeat between them in the later part of their courtship. While they could have been dismissed for the small liberties they took, John was adamant that nothing that could result in a pregnancy would happen. He would never take her innocence and dishonor her in that manner, which resulted in the firm rule that only one of them would be exposed from the waist down at a time and that he would never expose himself to her. He smirked as he remembered how Anna circumvented that particular rule by slipping her hand inside his undergarment and tending to his needs.

~ _Flashback_ ~

 _John and Anna were stretched out on a small blanket he laid out near a pond surrounded by overgrown shrubbery that afforded them privacy. The air was still and the heat was unusual for that time of night. The full moon hung in the sky above them and made the sheen of sweat on Anna's bare chest glisten as her muscles clenched and released as the waves of pleasure coursed through her nerve endings. His lips and tongue were gliding along the curves of her breasts to the shallow in her collarbone and along the toned muscles of her arms and shoulders. The taste of her skin flush with pleasure heightened his desire for her. This was only the second time in a year they were able to get away from the house for a few hours. By the way that Anna was responding to him, he was certain that she had taken his advice to learn more about her body and pleasure after bringing her to her first orgasm. He regretted that she had to learn to silence herself, but he hoped to be rid of his estranged wife in the near future. He wanted to provide Anna with a ring, a vow, and a sanctuary where she would be able to enjoy the fullness of her sexuality in the sacred bonds of marriage and in the privacy of their own home._

 _His focus turned back to Anna as she gasped and held her breath while the third orgasm he coaxed from her rippled through her muscles. He whispered to her as she trembled in his arms and marveled at her beauty and his good fortune to have her affection. She turned her head and gazed into his eyes._

 _"Mr. Bates…"_

 _"John, Anna. Call me John when we are this close, please."_

 _"John…you know what you said last time, about only one of us being undressed at a time?"_

 _He nodded to her, not trusting his voice as he could sense where her thoughts were._

 _"Well, I want to be dressed now so that you don't have to be."_

 _"Anna, we also agreed that I would still remained covered no matter what."_

 _"Yes, I know. But I still want that much. Please, John."_

 _He gave into her as she rapidly replaced the nightclothes that she wore on their current venture into the night. She pushed at his shoulder to roll him on his back and rolled up his button down shirt already discarded to pillow his head. Propped up on her arm and side, she allowed her hand to caress his undershirt and tug it free from his trousers. Already tense with desire, John hissed as the fabric gave way and her nails lightly drifted through the hair covering his torso. Her nails skimmed lightly over his stomach and up to his chest, swirling around his nipples and along his ribs. She was driving him mad already and she hadn't ventured below his navel yet. She made to remove his shirt altogether and he sat up briefly to assist in getting it off. He leaned back and watched her as she undid the plait in her hair, holding his breath as she set it to rights. It was the first time that he had seen her hair completely down and it looked like spun gold in the moonlight._

 _"Anna, you're beautiful."_

 _She smiled at him and let her hair fall forward as she tasted his skin for the first time. His muscles quivered as her hair curtained them while she kissed his lips, then trailed them down his neck. The feel of her silken hair trailing across his skin was a dream come true for him. He jerked when she bit his nipple a bit harder than he had done to her and sighed as she tended to it with her tongue._

 _"Bloody hell, Anna. You naughty girl."_

 _His voice was low and rough with need. She continued her exploration of him, focusing now on the very obvious sign of his arousal. His stomach muscles tensed as she moved her hand down to the button on his trousers. She managed to get the first undone and followed suit with the remainder. She pulled back both sides and looked at the outline of his desire without the hindrance of his trousers._

 _"May I, John?"_

 _He smiled sheepishly at her and nodded. She didn't say anything about the already present moisture on his undershorts, instead choosing to rest her hand gently over him. He felt himself twitch under her touch and she responded by adding more pressure. Always curious, Anna tried many different touches and pressures which soon had him writhing and panting in need._

 _"Let me remove these and take care of you the way you took care of me."_

 _"No, Anna. You mustn't. You are not nearly dressed enough to deter what we both want and I won't compromise you. Don't worry. I'll sort myself out…I'll be fine."_

 _He watched her consider his words and work them out in her mind. Understanding came to her and to his relief she seemed to acquiesce to his request._

 _"Ok, John. I won't remove them. I understand."_

 _He sighed in relief and closed his eyes for a moment, trying to regain control of his body._

 _"Good Christ, Anna. What are you doing?"_

 _He hissed at her when he felt her hand slip below his undershorts and encircle him before he could stop her. He met her eyes and saw them gleam with mischief._

 _"You said I couldn't take them off, John, but you didn't say that I couldn't work around them. I want to touch you the way you touched me. I want to make you dizzy with pleasure until you can't think anymore. Show me, John."_

 _He couldn't form a coherent thought or sentence, so he just put his hand over hers that was covered by the thin material and showed her how he liked to be touched as he told her how to adjust the pressure. Once he felt her hesitation disappear, he left her to explore on her own. Anna was a quick study and it wasn't long before he told her he was ready. She brought him to pleasure, even sensing that he would be sensitive after as she gentled her touch._

 _There was a bit of a mess, but he would rather deal with it than risk losing control with her. She didn't seem to mind as he sat up and she used his shirt tail to clean her hand. He stood so that he could fix his trousers and put on his undershirt. He pulled her up and embraced her tightly. He told her how much he loved her. How beautiful and sexy she was. How much pleasure she had given him, by allowing him to touch her and by her own hands on his body. Standing there, with the moonlight reflected in the water, beneath a cloudless and star filled sky, with Anna in his arms, he truly was a happy man._

 _~ End Flashback ~_

John glanced at his pocket watch. Seeing his still had some time before he made his way to the Earl's room, John decided to tidy up. His discomfort from the trip overrode his sense of tidiness the night before, so there were clothes strewn about the small room. Opening his valise, he rearranged his clean clothes to make room and found an envelope with his name on it in Anna's hand. Smiling, he set the envelope aside and quickly organized his possessions. Satisfied that he still had enough time, he took the envelope and returned to the chair by the window. He traced his fingers over his name upon the paper, then removed a few pages to find a proper letter rather than the shorts notes he is accustomed to receiving from her. He began to read...


	13. Chapter 13

**AN:** My apologies for the delay in updating. A little storm named Irma disrupted our lives for a few weeks. While I have little to complain about, many others have suffered and endured much more. An awful and destructive hurricane season this year, to be sure, for the US and many other islands in the Caribbean. That said, I am getting back on track with the writing and decided I would post this tonight. Thank you for your continued support and I hope that this finds you safe!

DA-DA-DA-DA-DA

Ch 13

 _My Dearest John,_

 _It has been a considerable time since I put pen to paper to write you a proper letter and I am so grateful that these words will find you in the employ of Lord Grantham rather than at the mercy of the warden in that hellish place. Your freedom is still a marvel to me despite the fact that I never once doubted your innocence. I will never regret pushing you to marry me even though it wasn't what you wanted for either of us._

 _I wonder, sometimes, how you coped with your dark thoughts and demons while imprisoned within those soul crushing walls. Did you ever want to end your life because you couldn't stomach the thought of how it turned out? Because you couldn't stand to see how your imprisonment affected me? Because you were sentenced to die and there was no hope to be found in a dank cell of stone and iron? And then, when your death sentence was overturned only to be replaced by an endless number of days in that awful place, did you consider it then, my love?_

 _There was a time that I would have been appalled by you confessing such horrible thoughts, but now I understand them all too well. After the attack, when it finally occurred to me that I could possibly be pregnant with that monster's child, I did consider ending my own life. I say this not to worry you, but to let you know that I understand you so much better now having survived the vicious attack. I now know that my opinions and counsel to you were often naïve and without benefit. One cannot simply implore another to stop thinking in such a manner and fix them. If only it were that easy._

 _No, my dear husband, I understand so much now having suffered through my own trauma. When I look back on our journey together, I can see what I couldn't before; that you were trying to protect me because of the darkness inside of you that grew with every traumatic event you endured. The physical and emotional scars that you carried and the shadows and demons that followed in their wake. Survivors like us understand what others cannot. We see what others are blind to. We seek to spare others the burden of our problems. We keep to ourselves to spare others the pain that we suffer. Ultimately, though, it is the pity that would be reflected in their eyes that we fear._

 _I remember when O'Brien tripped you and I went to you to help. Do you remember that? You didn't want my pity and wouldn't acknowledge me long enough to realize pity was the last thing that I felt for you. I was burning with outrage on your behalf. Did I ever tell you that I imagined stealing your cane from you and tripping her as she walked by us in the servants' hall, for everyone to see? I very nearly did it one evening, but I always stood on the side opposite your cane hoping to brush your hand or arm. I know that you would never do such a thing, but I would have. I am your naughty girl, after all._

 _I know you don't want to hear it, John, but there are so many actions and transgressions from the past year that I would take back if I could. I sit here writing this letter to you, finally awake and alert to what is going on around me. Finally alive with emotions: joy, love, peace, sorrow and regret. I know that I have been caught up in this abnormal mind set for so long and for every transgression I remember, there are probably many more that I never realized I committed. Thank you for enduring this part of the journey and remaining by my side throughout. I firmly believe that without you, I wouldn't have made it out of the darkness and back into the light of our life together._

 _I want you to know that I am sorry for and regret what I did and what I didn't do during this time. Your steadfast and unwavering support, generosity of spirit, tender love and endless patience are what brought me through this time. For me, this was like being imprisoned in my own body and I can begin to understand how you must have felt when you saw the toll that your imprisonment was taking on me. How you must have felt each time that you witnessed me fall apart as you left me, for prison, for Vera, for the Earl, for my own good. I witnessed your suffering during my own torment John and yet I was so disconnected from everything that I did nothing about it. When it first happened, every time you flinched at my words, every time you begged me for answers, every time you greeted me with such love and devotion I was overcome with guilt and hating myself for treating you that way. I was certain that I was protecting you, but I was hurting you and I knew that even though it didn't change my actions. I have begun to understand what it must have been like for you, watching me slowly crumbling under the pressure of suffering. Day after day. Week after week. Month after month. Seeing the one you love most in the world slowly decaying before your eyes. I'm sorry that you had to endure that suffering._

 _Oh John, there was so much about you that I didn't understand and I do now. I understand why you wanted to protect me from your past. I understand why you wanted to protect my reputation. I understand why you tried to push me away and when that didn't work you pulled away from me. I understand why, despite it all, you just couldn't not love me and yet told me to dream of a better man. The irony of it all is astounding. And yet, despite all the drama that could fill hundreds of pages in a novel, here we are. You and I. Together. Side by side. Bonded by the fires of Hell unleashed. Stronger. Resilient. One._

 _So, my love, I will tell you now that the ugliness of our past, the lingering regrets and doubts, the transgressions that have been forgiven but not forgotten by the transgressor, and the hurt inflicted have made us who we are, but we must dwell on it not a second longer. Cry, yell, rage, break something or brood for a few moments while you process the raw truths of my words so far and then let it go, John. Once and for all time. We can't change the past, but we can determine what we will make of our future. And because we can, I want to start by telling you how I feel because I know that doubt and uncertainty have become a part of our relationship. I want to change that._

 _Let me start by saying that nothing makes me happier than beginning each day knowing that I belong to you and you belong to me and that we will journey side by side. It is deeply comforting to me to sleep beside you knowing that I am loved and safe and secure in our bed, in our cottage. But what you give me is so much more than that, because I feel the same whenever you are near me, be it in our cottage, the Abbey or in the middle of a panic attack. Everything about you creates this sense of security that envelops me when you are near…even without you touching me. Everything about you is home for me. You are my home, John. It is a wonder to be sure._

 _Then, there is your beautiful smile. The one that is just for me and makes these crinkles around your eyes form. The one that tells me you are completely bemused and that I have your full attention. This smile makes the light in your eyes dance and your voice take on a slightly deeper tone. When I see it light up your face, my heart flutters and I can't help but smile back. Your joy becomes my own and it washes over me, soothing my soul. All your different smiles are captivating in their own way. The smirk that curls at the edge of your lips when you are satisfied. The crooked smile that tells me you have probably done something that will result in my calling you a silly beggar. The toothy smile you can't hold back when you are so caught up in what you are enjoying you don't remember pull your emotions back. The smile of astonishment when you can't figure out why I would say such brazen things to you or things that you feel unworthy of. The lazy smile that graces your lips when we are alone in our home and spending time together. There are many more, of course, and I cherish every single one that I witness._

 _Oh, and we must talk about that single lock of stubborn hair that curls over your brow. Such a small, inconsequential thing, but it does funny things that lock of hair. The first bit of magic that it wields is that it transforms you from the reserved and serious valet, to the mischievous young man you must have been in your early twenties. You have often asked me why I like it so much and though I answer you, you must not believe it since you keep asking. I love the playfulness it brings out in your demeanor and how it softens your features. The lock also reveals a tenderness and vulnerability about you that makes my insides feel squishy and warm. I know I must sound like a lunatic, but it's true. That I would be able to see the man behind the stiff collars, severe hair and stoic countenance is a level of trust I never thought I would earn from you. It's certainly a privilege that seemed elusive and near impossible whilst you were still entangled by the chains of your past, but it's mine now._

 _It's not just these small facets of who you are, but the entire package. Your large frame carried with a grace of movement in spite of your injury. Your stature reflecting the military bearing and precision of a soldier. Your keen wit and extensive knowledge that you wield with skill, but never to flaunt or impress. Your reserved, dignified nature that rarely falters. The passionate side of you that was hidden from me for so long, that I only had glimpses of, until we were finally afforded the freedom to be ourselves in the bonds of marriage. I could go on about your nimble fingers, hazel eyes, and your embrace…everything about you that works in tandem making you who you are. I was captivated by you the very first time I stood in front of you and felt your hand wrap around mine._

 _Do you remember the day we met as clearly as I do? It really is a silly question, I know, since you seem to have every milestone of ours memorized in great detail. That lovely day was the first of so many things for me, John. The first time that I had been physically attracted to someone the second I laid eyes on him. The first time I touched another person and felt a connection to them. The first time I thought of a future beyond becoming a version of Mrs. Hughes. The first time I wished to be alone with you, although for nothing more than the chance to meet you without the scrutiny and disdain of Ms. O'Brien. The first time that I felt my breath hitch and my stomach flutter when you permitted a half of a smile in my direction. You walked into my life, John Bates, and changed it forever._

 _Do you know why I shook your hand that day? I had, until that day, never been attracted to a man the way I was to you. Your height, your bearing and your voice. The way you weathered the rude comments of O'Brien and I'm sure felt the focus shift to your cane. I don't know what came over me, but I wanted to make up for how you were treated and I wanted to know what it would be like to hold your hand. Since I never thought it would happen otherwise, I thought a handshake was the perfect way. I suppose it was terribly naughty of me, but you seem to make me braver and bolder than I would otherwise be. Quite the scandal, it was, and believe me I heard about it from O'Brien, Gwen and even Mrs. Hughes when she got wind of it from 'Her Ladyship's maid'. I certainly don't regret it and the small, half smile I got from you in return for my kindness was more than worth the lecture on remembering my place._

 _I love you so much, husband and I delight in every moment we spend together in whatever form they take. We are far from perfect and have had to deal with so many obstacles, but I am so grateful that we are together. That you can love me in full measure, married as I believe we were meant to be and I can do the same. I'm up writing this as you are sleeping soundly, no doubt exhausted from the stress of the day. I'm ever so sorry about hurting you in my panic. I hope that you weren't too uncomfortable after the journey to London. I miss you terribly, my love, though it will only be a short time away. Please know, as you read these words, that I love you and can't wait until we are reunited. We are putting the past behind us, day by day._

 _Thank you, John. For loving me. For wanting me. For being with me. For everything._

 _All my love,_

 _Anna_

Sitting back in the chair, John sighed. His thoughts strayed to Anna and her words as he tucked away the letter in his pocket. His heart ached for her, knowing the pain she suffered that would allow her to understand him in such a way. The deepest, darkest thoughts that haunted a soul were now hers to battle, as well. She finally understood his mind in a way that he thought would never be possible. A hollow, meaningless vindication that he never wanted to have.


	14. Chapter 14

**AN:** Thank you for the well wishes and for your continued interest. While not the ideal place to end a chapter, I felt it would be better to chop it in two rather than delay any longer. There's always something popping up, but I'm trying to get back on schedule. This has taken on a life of it's own now and there are probably at least 3 more chapters to go. I hope that all is well with you. All disclaimers still apply...enjoy!

Ch 14

A knock at his door startled him from his thoughts and he looked at his pocket watch, cringing when he realized it was now well past 9 am. Still stiff from injuries old and new, John had just risen to his feet when the door opened.

"Bates, are you alright? I thought you might be having a spot of trouble with your back given what happened yesterday."

John couldn't hide his confusion or his shock, having been blindsided by both the letter from Anna and the Earl's appearance in his modest quarters. He muttered a response, finding no intelligible words to question him.

"My Lord?"

"Your back. I thought it might have gone out on you. Never mind all that, it's obviously not the reason you were delayed. I've had breakfast brought to my room. I thought it would afford us privacy."

How did he know that his back was playing up? His thoughts were spinning out of control. John could only imagine they would need privacy if he were going to either reprimand him or sack him. Still at a loss for words, he nodded sharply and held the door open for the Earl as they made the short walk to his room. They sat down and waited for attendant to finish his task and leave. He watched the man across from him closely. The Earl had taken the first couple bites with enthusiasm, but was now pushing food around on his plate. John, despite their differences in class, knew the man very well and saw that he was struggling to come up with words so he thought he would make it easier.

"Are you trying to tell me you require my resignation? I understand my performance in the past months hasn't been…"

"What? No! Of course, not Bates. That is, I want to speak about these past months, but I neither want nor require your resignation. Understood?"

John's sigh of relief escaped him and he heard the Earl chuckle.

"Now then…we were friends once, you and I. I'd like to think that we continue to be, despite the time we lost touch after the bloody war and our current status. You have always been loyal, steady, and discreet. My trust in you is complete. I know that I haven't always reciprocated, but…"

"My Lord, please. While not a conventional friendship, you most certainly gave me a new life when I had nothing else. Not once, not twice, but every time I needed it. After my dismissal. After Vera. After prison. I owe you much more…"

"Nonsense, my good man. We'll agree to disagree, for now. What happened that day?"

"My Lord?"

"Robert, John."

John Bates stared at the man before him, still at a loss. This whole situation is surreal. He can't remember the last time the Earl had called him John.

"Robert?"

"Yes, John. My name. Today we are friends, not employer, employee, not master and servant."

"But Sir!"

"Not soldiers either. Not Sir. Not My Lord. Not Lord Grantham and certainly not Mr. Crawley. You do remember my name, don't you?"

John had to chuckle at the incredulous look on the Earl's face. Of course he remembered his given name.

"Well, yes My Lord."

"John!"

The Earl's exasperation was showing and he didn't want to make him angry, so he said his name though it felt wrong after so many years of honoring his titles.

"What day, Robert?"

"The day you ended up face first in the gravel. I've known you to be a lot of things, but clumsy isn't one of them. I meant to ask you after my lapse in judgement, but I didn't want to bring any more embarrassment to you."

John studied Robert as he began eating again, relaxing into their informal camaraderie which allowed John to let his guard down and do the same. Still curious about what's brought this on, he was certain that whatever it was, it wouldn't be detrimental to his position, career, or bond to the man he has known for nearly 30 years. He stretched a bit to relieve the tension he had been carrying and ease the stiffness in his back, then tucked into his own meal.

"Would you believe it was O'Brien? She and Thomas had it in for me since I walked in the door. I was leaning on my cane to relieve the pressure on my leg and she kicked it out from under me. I was mortified and figured it would look worse if I struggled to get up so I laid there until we were dismissed. Anna, bless her, came to help but I snapped at her mistaking her concern for pity. She saved me from those two, you know?"

"Saved you from Barrow and O'Brien?"

"They took an item and hid it in my room. Anna found out somehow and warned me in time. She wanted me to put it in one of their rooms. Fight fire with fire, she said."

John chuckled at the memory and at the look of surprise on Robert's face. He and Robert were a lot alike in that respect. Neither one of them expected treachery when honor should dictate one's behavior. Anna was different, having grown up working in an environment where there was little concern for honor if it meant getting ahead or getting revenge.

"Did she, now? Anna is a tenacious woman and has fought for you on a number of occasions. I never knew that any of the staff was after you in such a way. I wish you would have said something."

"She is and she has. I know now that I survived the wretched war to love her and protect her. She is my salvation."

John smiled wistfully as memories of their friendship danced in his memory. Appetite satisfied, he sat back in the chair and waited as the table was cleared. Robert stood and motioned for John to follow him to the more comfortable sitting area. They both sat in arm chairs facing the window. John settled in the chair and stretched his leg out before him and watched Robert. He was fidgeting in his seat, then stood back up moved to the window leaning against the wall. John knew when Robert was preparing to confront a difficult subject, he preferred to be on his feet. That hadn't changed in all the years he had known Robert and his thoughts turned to what might be troubling him.

"Robert, is there something wrong? All this, while enjoyable, seems to have made you upset. Is there something wrong with your wife, or one of your daughters?"

He heard Robert sigh heavily and watched as he turned, a grave look upon his face.

"Yes, but not with my family. I saw Anna yesterday afternoon running down the lane, terribly distressed. I was going to see what was wrong, but she literally ran into you before I could do so. I watched from afar, but then you both moved much closer to my position and I was unable to leave without disturbing you two."

Now it was John's turn to sigh, as he finally knew what the Earl was after. He had assumed the concern was job performance, but it was far more personal and awkward than he thought it would be. He knew what was coming. Anna acknowledged that he was without counsel, but would she object now that the worst was over and they were communicating again? He supposed it may embarrass her to have what happened to her known to the Earl and possibly his wife, but several in the household above and below knew already. Besides, whether it was the Earl and Bates or Robert and John, how could he possibly tell this man no in anything? John was definitely in a quandary, now that Robert had his attention drawn to their plight. The man's curiosity knew no bounds and he always made a point to get to the bottom of an issue.

"I'm sorry if we caused you any discomfort. We…"

"John Bates! Why on earth are you apologizing, man? Do you really think that my intent was to complain about my own discomfort when I inadvertently intruded on such a candid moment between the two of you? Surely you don't think that I am that superficial."

John was now well and truly flustered. In trying to maintain his role as servant, he had offended Robert. His voice dropped in volume as his discomfort grew. He took a breath and tried to organize his thoughts.

"No. No I don't. I know that you care deeply about those who are your family, your friends, and even those in your employ. Your generosity and compassion is exemplified in many ways in the lives of those around you. Matthew, Tom, Mrs. Patmore, Mr. Carson and both Anna and I are among those who have been gifted with your generosity and are grateful and proud to be acknowledged and cared for by you. It is in my nature, however, to apologize for being an inconvenience to you, whether it be flat on my face in the gravel or figuratively in this chair before you. I meant no offense to you and I do understand your concern for Anna, having been witness to the many bouts of suffering I have brought needlessly upon her."

It was Robert's turn to be flustered at John's words. He turned back toward the window to compose himself, then returned to the chair and shifted it to face John's.

"Now then, my good man. Why don't you tell me what's been bothering you two for so long now? I know that it must be a grave and delicate matter and I assure you that it won't go out of this room. I know you, John and I can tell that you have been dealing with this much like you do with everything else...alone. You have been there for me through battle, through the loss of Matthew, Sybil and my unborn son. Let me be here for you."

DA – DA – DA

Robert watched John struggle with the decision before him. It is decidedly not English to be a man and express emotion of any kind, but he and Bates were both passionate men who felt and loved deeply once they let their guard down. Those that were in their hearts would be fiercely loved and protected. It was that love that cut so deeply when he lost men in his charge and even more when he lost his children. Bates had seen him through it all – strong, steady, compassionate, and wise. He was a trusted companion, confidante and had ultimately sacrificed his own well being to save Robert's life. In Robert's mind, the scales of friendship between him and Bates was skewed in Bates' favor though he knew his valet would argue the exact opposite.

He spent time last night pondering over the events that had transpired from the time Anna moved out until the scene he witnessed in the courtyard. It was still unclear what happened between them, but the suffering that John had been going through had crystallized in hindsight. The weight loss, the weariness, the dark moods and brooding silence. The months of suffering had taken its toll on John and the guilt had settled upon Robert like a wet blanket, heavy and cold. He should have been there for John long before today, but there was nothing to be done about it now.

"Very well, then. I believe we must start at the beginning, but if you would indulge me for a moment I would like to clarify a couple points."

"Certainly."

"First, Robert, you must understand that this took place months ago. Close to a year. There is nothing to be gained by involving anyone else in this matter. You will understand the meaning of this when I tell you what happened. Second, there is only one person to blame in this matter, although the few who know have all tried to shoulder a portion of that blame. Especially me. If there is one outcome that I would ask, it is only that steps be taken to help prevent such an occurrence in the future."

Robert took in his words, slightly puzzled and very concerned about the story John was about to tell. He nodded his understanding and prepared himself to listen to John's tale. He watched as John sighed heavily, looking beyond him. When their eyes met again, he saw anguish and gasped as the words left John's mouth.

"Robert, Anna was raped."


	15. Chapter 15

**AN:** Once again real life came and made mischief, but all is well. For those who are still reading...thank you for the continued support. This story has kind of spun out of control, but in a good way. I'm no longer ahead of the story, so updates may take a bit longer. For those who celebrate it, have a safe and happy Thanksgiving holiday! As always, not my characters and all mistakes are my own.

Ch 15

"Dear God."

Robert's words were barely above a whisper. Nothing of this nature crossed his mind. He thought that maybe she had been lured into a tryst with someone or that perhaps John had lost his temper one time too many. Or that working together and living together was too much and they found themselves to be incompatible. Raped! They both had learned more about rape than they ever wanted to know in Africa. Anna had left their home. He wondered if John asked her to leave or if Anna left for her own reasons. It's a question he would not ask and thought that he knew John well enough to know that asking her to leave is not something he would do. Though many questions swirled about in his mind, he did his best to keep silent while his friend told his story.

"It happened…"

Robert watched as John composed himself. His eyes glistened with unshed tears and his hands were clenched into fists.

"It happened downstairs at the Abbey. There was a concert that night and Anna told me she was getting a headache and was going to fetch a powder. We had quarreled earlier in the day and rather than go with her, I remained upstairs with Mrs. Hughes rather than risk quarreling with Anna again. When she went downstairs for a powder, he followed her down and beat her when she refused his advances. He dragged her into the boot room and violated her while I was upstairs joking with Mrs. Hughes. Of all the various ways I have failed Anna, this one is unforgivable."

Struck dumb in his shock at John's tale, Robert watched his friend break down. He wanted a drink, but knew John's past and would never drink in front of him. This happened in his home and he had no idea. Who committed this heinous act? Surely, it couldn't be one of the staff or family. That left outsiders and guests. He would have them arrested as soon as they returned to Downton, but first he must help the broken man before him.

Robert stood and approached John. He handed John his handkerchief, then lay a hand on his shoulder to quietly lend support. With all John had been through in his life, this must be the heaviest burden he has had to carry. Once John had calmed, Robert returned to his seat and waited for John to continue.

"I'm…"

"Don't apologize, John. You didn't ask it of me when we lost all of our men and you didn't ask it of me when I lost my daughter or my son."

Robert was pleased when John nodded and continued. It seemed despite the difficult and personal nature of the issue at hand, John was settling back into their friendship as men, as brothers, easier than he had anticipated. Not only was he calling him by name, John also was relating what happened without hesitation. He knew that John's lack of argument indicated his candor wasn't out of obligation. He imagined that it probably was a relief to be able to talk to someone about it after all these months of bearing the burden alone.

"Anna moved back to the Abbey for several reasons, but the leading factor was hiding what had happened from me. She felt that she was to blame and that if I found out who did it to her that I would kill him. She told me she fell and I believed her because Anna has never lied to me. When she started acting cold toward me, I thought she had finally come to her senses and didn't want me anymore. She flinched from my touch, she avoided me, she said truly vicious things to me and I was more confused than ever. After overhearing a conversation between Mrs. Hughes and Anna about Anna not being with child and relieved by it, I finally cornered Mrs. Hughes and intimidated her into telling me what happened. Still a lie that Anna begged her to tell, but much closer to the truth. The story went that someone broke into the Abbey and raped her."

"But that's preposterous!"

"It is and I knew who attacked her, but I let her lie to me because she felt she needed to. I didn't know why, but I know Anna. At least I knew her mind up until her attack. I hoped that eventually she would tell me. Once I cornered her in the boot room, which I didn't know held significance until much later, and told her that I forced Mrs. Hughes to tell me what happened she agreed to move back to the cottage. I was relieved, of course, that she would be home where I could keep watch over her and that she didn't want to leave me. It was a step forward, but it was also the start of a new kind of hell. The nightmares, the mood swings, the silences, the lies, the vicious words and insults hurled at me followed by the guilty apologies and tears. Neither of us had a full night's sleep for months."

John sighed and stared out the window, while Robert tried to process the events and put them in perspective with what he already knew. It certainly helps to explain Anna's fear that John was leaving her, especially after all the man has endured during Anna's healing. John and many other injured and combat soldiers had gone through a similar process when trying to cope with their injuries and actions during the war.

"Things seemed like they would never improve. She made some progress, but often it was undone the next day after an evening of nightmares. When she finally confessed everything to me in full detail, including who it was, things finally started to improve for her. Unfortunately, our communication continued to be nearly non-existent and we both were growing apart as a couple. We were both consumed by our own demons of guilt and shame. She felt guilty for a great number of things, including being the one at fault for the attack. Ashamed for having been touched by another man, for having told so many lies, and for treating me badly. I felt guilt and shame for not being with her that night to protect her and letting my cowardice prevent me from taking care of her that night. She was naïve and I was a fool."

Robert could tell that John still carried that guilt and shame. He could think of no words that would assuage the guilt John felt. He tried to imagine himself in John's place and found there was little that could dissuade him from the guilt or even from murdering the man in question.

"John, who was it that attacked her?"

John was trying to decide if he should tell him the name. Robert knew by his hesitation that it wasn't just a onetime guest to the house. After a deep sigh, John spoke.

"It was Lord Gillingham's valet, Green."

Robert slumped back in his chair. Gillingham had been to the Abbey on many occasions with Green in tow.

"But he was around after the attack, several times if my memory is accurate."

"It is. He was and poor Anna had to sit at the table and break bread with the man. He spoke to her and taunted her subtly. They had gotten on well before all this happened and I was out of sorts about it. I could tell what kind of man he was and I didn't want Anna near him, but she is so trusting and thought I was jealous. I was, not of him, but that he exemplified what kind of man Anna should have married. Younger. Uninjured. With more in common. Green was a nasty piece of work and the more I balked at her befriending him as she would anyone who was a guest to the household, the more friendly she seemed to get with him. Nothing that crossed the line, but to a man without honor her actions could've have been misconstrued although she told him in no uncertain terms she was happily married. The day of the concert Anna, Green and several others were playing a card game and I yelled at her. Embarrassed her and myself. Fed the gossipers another tidbit to chat about. I knew that she was upset, but I didn't want to provoke her further so I stayed behind when she went in search of a powder."

Robert's mind turned over John's words. The unthinkable had happened under his roof and yet it was worse knowing that no one protected Anna from this man after it happened. He would get to the bottom of that, but later. This time is for John and he needs someone to listen. For now he would steer the conversation when necessary.

"My God, man. To sit at the same table with the vile beast. The strength in her to even manage it once, never mind over and over again. Gillingham began to show up without a valet some time later. Did he find out what happened?"

It is my understanding from Anna that Mary found out. As you know, Mary has a keen mind and knows Anna very well. She confronted Anna and when she found out what had happened, why she was hiding it from me and who had committed the act, Mary went to Gillingham. She didn't convey the details of what happened, only that her continued interest in him would depend upon firing Green. Thank God she did. I'm sure that it saved Anna and I know that it probably save me as well."

"Saved you?"

"Watching him and her and knowing what happened and not being able to do anything about it was unbearable. I wanted to kill him. No. I wanted to torture him. To take him apart piece by piece. To violate him in a manner befitting of his vile nature. I have done this many times in my mind. In many different ways. I would never risk prison again, but you and I both know how to kill a man and make him disappear. Had he not been fired or banned from the Abbey, I believe I would have been driven to madness and been unable to hold my rage in check."

Robert knew the truth of his words, bone deep. Had Cora been raped, nothing would have stopped him from killing the man. Not duty, not honor, not title or the man sitting across from him. He had seen the effect rape had on women in Africa and knew that most men would blame the women. He and John had discussed these women and the dogs who raped them, unfit to be called men. They both were disgusted by the behavior of the soldiers on both sides committing these heinous acts and assigned the blame to the men who committed the acts and to the men and women who shunned the victims. He was proud of Bates for staying with Anna and taking care of her as he had. For loving her regardless and for maintaining control of himself for her sake. Perhaps he would be able to share that sentiment with him. He was also satisfied that John didn't just agree with him to kiss his ass all those years ago. He had always trusted John, even when he didn't know him well, and it always gave him a sense of pride to know that his judgement of John's character was spot on.

"You said things were better now, between you and Anna. Yet the state she was in the other day would suggest otherwise. May I ask why she thought you were leaving? You've been by her side for this entire ordeal. Why would she think you would leave now?"

Robert watched as John shifted in his chair and let loose another deep sigh.

"That was my fault. Anna has been wrapped up in herself during this healing process. You've seen how some women get after the attack. Some turn in on themselves and shut down their emotions. Anna has been in this isolation, which has made her pretty much oblivious to what is going on around her. She had told me to leave several times during this period, but I knew that she was not of sound mind. That was the only time I would engage her in an argument. Within the past couple weeks, she has come out of this phase and has once again engaged with what is going on around her and with me. We talked, we cried, we shared emotions and feelings that had been buried. We started to reconnect and forgive ourselves and one another. It was like we were able to start over. It was wonderful. The next morning I did something that triggered an outburst from her that shook me to my core. She sounded so much like Vera that I swear my blood ran cold. I've been trying so hard for so long to help her in any way I could, but most of what I did upset her in one way or another."

"Surely it wasn't as bad as all that, John. Sometimes things look worse when we are right in the midst of it all."

"It was. The mood swings, the cutting words, the emptiness in her eyes when she looked at me and the lack of care or thought for me. After that night, I thought we had turned a corner, finally, and then she took on that tone when she lashed out at me. I never dreamed that Anna would be anything like Vera in any way. The only connection between the two women was being married to me."

It was starting to become clear to Robert what happened. If there was one thing John was, it was noble.

"So you decided that you were the problem and offered to leave so that she could find happiness."

"In so many words, yes. You and Anna know me so well."

"Indeed. And I'm guessing that Anna had to set you straight on the matter of leaving."

John nodded. So when Anna went home to find John's bags packed, she jumped to the wrong conclusion.

"Well, that certainly explains Anna's behavior."

"I'm a fool. I should've left a note for her or something. I can't seem to make her happy anymore and I have been the cause of most of her suffering. I don't deserve her. Never have and I shouldn't have been so selfish. I tried to dissuade her and distance myself once I realized that her interest was beyond friendship. I did everything I knew how and she would have none of it. And I was no better…I couldn't stop loving her."

Robert was torn between guilt and empathy toward his friend. John needed someone to support him during this time of trial and once again, he wasn't there for John. This time it was worse because he saw the man several times a day. He saw the changes in his friend and did nothing.

"John, I've had Anna in my employ for many years. She has never been as happy as when she has been by your side. Before you came, she was a bright girl who worked hard and was well loved. She was confident in her job, but not as much as a person. After she befriended you, she truly blossomed into womanhood. She carried herself differently. She fought for what she believed in and spoke up for those in need. Even Carson and Mrs. Hughes noticed the change in her. I don't know why you two have been put through so many tribulations. I must apologize for not supporting you during this ordeal."

"But Sir, you…"

Robert held up his hand and stopped John before he started to argue.

"John, I know what you would say. Please, for me, accept my apology and know that you can come to me when you need a friend. I don't consider it a burden and I regret not making this clear to you long ago. You and Anna are a good match and you love one another. Don't waste any more time questioning your choices. Do the best you can moving forward with her. No one reacts the way Anna did when she thought you were leaving her for someone who doesn't make them happy. She was begging you to stay, old chap. Truly distraught over the notion that you would leave her. Doesn't seem like someone who wants you gone, does it?"

"Well, no. Not when you put it like that."

"Of course not. Don't let a couple setbacks get you off course. You both have gone through too much to give up now. She's a fighter and so are you."

Robert smiled as he watched John process his words. He sat back and finally relaxed, having let go off the burdens he had borne for so long alone. He looked like a different man.

"Now then, all this has been a lot to take in. With your leave, I would like to ask for a few clarifications."

"Of course. I will answer as best I can."

"I'm assuming you didn't notify the authorities when it happened. Did either of you want to now?"

"No. After I went to prison, Anna became distrustful of the law and the courts. Between that and the fear of her word not being taken over his, she begged Mrs. Hughes not to report it to anyone. She wouldn't want it brought up now."

"I don't think I agree, but I understand and won't say anything. I told you this would remain between us and it shall."

"Thank you, Robert."

"I would like to make it safer in the Abbey for the women, especially those who work for me as they are more vulnerable than the male staff. I don't know how we'll accomplish it, but I would like you to talk to Anna to see if she has any suggestions. I know that she may not want to speak with me about it, but you can chat with Anna, Carson and Mrs. Hughes. Bring any ideas you four come up with and we'll look into them. It pains me to know that this violence took place in my home to one of my staff."

"Of course, I will speak with them. I'm not sure there is a solution, but there has to be something we can do to try and prevent it from happening again."

"Good. Did Anna ever see a doctor for her injuries?"

"Not that I'm aware of. By the time she came back to me, the great majority of the physical injuries were mostly healed. She had a lot of bruising, a couple of cuts and I think perhaps a cracked rib or two from hitting the table. She didn't want the police involved and begged Mrs. Hughes to not involve the doctor either. It's possible that it would have upset her more given that Dr. Clarkson is a man."

"Do you think she would go see a doctor? I would presume she would want to know if any permanent damage was done. I would take care of the cost."

"That's kind of you. All I can do is ask her. Now that she is moving beyond her isolation, she may consider it. I don't know if she would want to share it with Dr. Clarkson."

Robert considered John's words and saw how revealing what happened to the good doctor would be not only uncomfortable the first time she told him, but each subsequent visit.

"Perhaps she could go see a specialist in London. If nothing is amiss, then she won't have to reveal anything to Dr. Clarkson."

"It's possible she won't want to see either one. I have wanted her to see the doctor, but she wouldn't. As long as she was in reasonably good health, I didn't push the issue. Just mentioned it every so often."

"Understandable. There's one last thing I want to discuss.

Robert watched his friend shift and stretch his leg to alleviate his discomfort. He knew this would be a tough thing for John to accept, but after everything John and Anna have endured he wanted to give them something to help them heal together.

"John, I would like to send you and Anna on an extended holiday. You two never really had a traditional courtship or a honeymoon. You both have endured so much and yet continued to serve in your capacities without fail. You both have been loyal, steadfast friends to our family for many years. Let me do this for the two of you."

Robert didn't really have a plan yet, but he wanted to do something to help them both move past this turmoil.

"I appreciate the gesture, I really do. You have been generous beyond measure, but this is too much Robert."

"John, I know that you and I were raised differently. Our experiences before the war, our upbringing, our classes, our duties and our educations. I know that for people born into families without great wealth, all the money I have spent on various needs of my staff is beyond comprehension and value. What you must understand, is that when you are surrounded by the trappings of wealth, it is the very things that money cannot buy that hold value beyond comprehension. Paying for a doctor's visit or a trip or a car is nothing to me. I buy and sell things on a daily basis. What can't be bought, what is priceless for me is the friendship and loyalty you have shown me. Beyond saving my life, you have sacrificed yourself to save my daughter from scandal, you supported me through the loss of my daughter and son and most importantly you have been my friend. I haven't always been there to support you in the same way you have done and I regret that. Let me give you and Anna this gift of time, to help you both heal."

He watched as John squirmed in his chair, uncomfortable with what was being offered. He knew that John was fighting the need to refuse the trip with the knowledge that Anna desperately needed something like this. Something he couldn't manage on his own.

"I don't know what to say. There's no way I'll ever be able to repay your generosity in full measure, but I know that Anna needs the time away. I've never been able to convince her on my own to take the time because she knows we can't afford it. She already feels bad for the time she missed and the times her duties weren't done to standard."

"How about this? You let me make the arrangements and I will prepare a note for her with the details. She won't be able to say no to the 7th Earl of Grantham."

They both had a hearty laugh at his haughty comment.

"What about you, John? What do you need?"

John rolled his head back and stared at the ceiling.

"I love my wife dearly. I've done everything I can think of to help her. I've been through what she's going through. I've had the mood swings, lashed out at people and shut everyone out. She is so much stronger than I am. She's never once turned to alcohol to drown out her sorrows. I try to make her happy. I ignore the harsh comments and comfort her when she realizes what she's said. I take care of the house. I take care of the garden. I cook, I clean, I run errands and fix the things that are broken. But I can't fix her. I…"

John rolled his head forward and looked at Robert.

"I'm bloody exhausted, Robert. I've been doing this for months. Giving and giving and giving. I will go home and soldier on, but I just don't know how much more I have to give. I don't think anything I do is ever going to heal this rift between us. It's like we start mending one part of it and another is ripped apart. How come I can't heal her the way that she healed me? Why can't what I do make a difference? Why isn't it enough?"

He watched as John leaned forward and held his face in his hands. His heart broke for John. The man is an iron force of will. No one should be able to function under the enormous pressure he has been under with no support, no friends to confide in, and no one to care for him or his needs. His own regret was gnawing at the back of his mind as he watched the man unload his burden.

"John?"

Robert waited for him to respond.

"John, you are helping her. I know it's hard for you to see, since you are with her day in and day out. But it is there. I'm sure that Mary sees it, given the comments I've heard from her. Even I noticed a change in her for the better. If you asked Mrs. Hughes, she would affirm how far Anna has come in her healing process. I know that you're frustrated and tired. I know that you aren't sleeping well again. I know that you're doing everything you possibly can to make things easier for her. I know that you need a break from all this as much as she does. Stand fast, John. I will have the arrangements made as soon as possible and you both can have some much needed time off."

"Thank you, Robert."

"Now then, you may take your leave. Meet me up here at the usual time for dinner. Did you want to stay on an extra day in London? I can make arrangements…"

They stood together and walked to the door. John turned to him and shook his hand.

"That's a kind offer, but I hate the idea of Anna being alone. Despite what I said, I need to be with her. I don't want her to be alone any more than necessary. I appreciate your friendship and your generosity."

Robert nodded, smiling and closed the door as Bates left his suite. His devotion to Anna was remarkable. He hoped that the time away would help them both. He had some planning to do.

TBC


	16. Chapter 16

**AN:** To those who are still following this story, my sincerest thanks. A big wave of real life came and disrupted the uneventful path I was on. Needless to say, I have been writing in the interim, but it was sporadic and often times no more than a paragraph or two as time or muse permitted. I am within a chapter or two of completing this journey, though more than that are ahead for our couple. Updates will be weekly until the story is finished. I hope that all is well with you, wherever you may be.

Ch. 16

Anna walked through the door of the cottage at half past four, much earlier than normal but at Mrs. Hughes' insistence when John was away. While a blessing to be off several hours early, without John it all felt so empty. Since she had emerged from the catatonic like state she was in, her time alone with John had been limited. They both worked long hours at the Abbey and the remainder of their spare time had been spent making some long needed repairs to their home. With John devoting all his time to her needs and taking care of the day to day chores she used to do as well as his own, there had been very little spare time to do anything else. When he did have the spare time, he was usually so tired that he would be asleep within minutes of sitting down for a respite. There were evenings when she would be frustrated by this. She craved interaction with him, especially after going without for so long. Then she would look at him, sound asleep with dark circles under his eyes and the gauntness starting to show in his face and the frustration would give way to compassion.

They used to work side by side, but lately he had been doing everything from making her tea to cleaning the cottage from top to bottom without complaint. This meant more hours spent on his feet and doing things that weren't good for his leg, which took a toll upon him. She noticed that he limped more and spent much more time icing his leg or rubbing it down with salve. Yet another thing she feels guilty about. Early on in their friendship, Anna had a difficult time understanding how guilt had driven John to do something as drastic as confessing to a crime he had never committed. How his feelings of guilt about how he treated Vera and his mother and even her had dictated his actions and cast a pallor over his life. But she understood now how insidious and treacherous the mind can be. How feelings of guilt can alter one's perspective and their behavior. She was certainly getting an education in what it meant to feel guilty about something.

She went to the kitchen to make a pot of tea when her eyes fell upon an envelope resting against the tea box. It had her name written in his formal hand which was quite elegant for a man. Once she made the preparations, she sat down at the table and waited for the water to boil. Her eyes studied the envelope she placed on the table before her, imagining him sitting down at this very table and writing the letter. The weight of it would indicate that he wrote more than just a note. She wondered what he would say in such a letter. She knew that he wrote it before he left and before he read hers. Would it just be an unnecessary apology for the misunderstanding or would he give her the insight to his thoughts and feelings that she craved? The teapot whistled its discontent and she stood to finish making her tea. Tea and biscuits in hand, she took the envelope off the table and brought it out to their bench in the garden. She opened it carefully and took out the pages carefully tucked inside. As the sun began to set, Anna read the words that her husband had written to her.

 _Dearest Anna,_

 _It's been a while since I have sat down to write to you, and I must admit that I quite miss it. To be able to write for your pleasure and my own rather than putting pen to paper because it is the only form of communication available is quite liberating. I know that my words pale in comparison to the giants among men whose words are collected, published and revered by many. The simple fact that you enjoy reading what I have to say is more than enough to satisfy my inner Shakespeare._

 _I watch you sometimes, you know, and I have been for a very long time. But you know that already…don't you? Did you notice that I am still captivated by you, my darling, even now? I wonder, do you ever feel my eyes on you, admiring the planes of your body, the grace of your movements, and the joy you experience at the simplest of pleasures? Do you know that simply being married to you affords me everything I need to be whole in spirit? That having you as my friend, my partner, my soulmate is the greatest achievement of my life? That I have ceased to be a person unto myself? You, my darling, are me and I am you. For we are one person in marriage. Two halves of a whole made complete by the other. Refined again and again by the fires of the world, emerging stronger and closer every time we skirt the flames of Hell._

 _When I was at Downton, it was you who first 'welcomed' me although I was first greeted by a pinched face and sour attitude. It was you who defended me when naysayers were commenting at every turn. It was you who brought me a tray in an act of kindness I had never expected. It was you who discovered the scheming of the two interlopers in the case of the missing bauble. It was you who braved the unknown in London to track down not only my mother, but the awful truth of my past and imprisonment. It was you who took me back in the most amazing act of forgiveness ever granted to this troubled soul._

 _When I was with Vera, it was always thoughts of you that kept me going. I was terribly torn between the guilt of ripping your heart out of your chest and the love I had in my heart that kept growing for you even though I had very little hope of being with you again. I did have hope, just a tiny bit of hope, that one day I could be free and earn your forgiveness and love. It was that tiny spark of hope that motivated me to get away from that vicious woman, get the divorce started and do whatever it took to meet that goal. It all became a mess and when the worst happened, there you were by my side again demanding to marry me. How fortunate I am to have you in my life._

 _When I was in prison, your strength saved me. Your words, in all their varied moods, were a balm to my soul and instilled hope in my heart. Your faithfulness was displayed in both your letters and your visits. Your loyalty was unwavering – week after week, month after month. Even in the face of death, you were steadfast in your belief in me. Your tenacity in finally uncovering the truth of my innocence and rendering me a free man is a miracle. How blessed I am to have such a fierce and loving guardian angel watching over me!_

 _When I was finally released from that awful place, it was you who was there to welcome me back to the land of the living and freedom. It was you who embraced me with open arms. It was you who held my hand and brought me back home. Home!_

 _It was you who irrevocably changed my life. It was you who made me feel alive again. It was you who lifted me out of the shadowed hell that was my life and brought me into the light. It was you who was the catalyst for the renaissance in me. It was you that saw the man I strived to be rather than the man who had made a mess of his life. It was you, my darling Anna. It was you!_

 _I'm so proud of you, Anna. You've had strength beyond measure to endure our separations and challenges and even the vile trespass against you. You've been through Hell and have come through the worst, when many others would have remained in the darkness. You are a wonder to me. A miracle. An angel dwelling among men. I love you so much and I will always be by your side. I am nothing without you, my dear. You are the light in my darkest hour. You are the calm in the midst of the storm. You are the rhythm of the beat of my heart. You are the meaning in the story of my life._

 _Take these words, Anna, and store them in your heart. Remember them when the darkness comes to call. Heed them when doubt or fear seeks to take hold. Know them when I cannot be with you. Read them when the memories are too much to bear. They are the truth and the truth shines brightly, banishing those demons that lurk in the shadows. You once said to me that others saw in me an innate goodness that I myself could not. You once said to me 'believe'. I am saying the same to you now. Believe, Anna. Believe in our love. Believe that things will continue to improve. Believe that we will continue to grow stronger together. Believe that we can be even better than we were before. Believe._

 _Now I know that you've been sent home early and even though I can't be there to enjoy it with you, know that I'm thinking about you and counting down the time until I can return. Enjoy your biscuits and tea, my love, I shall be home soon._

 _Sleep well, my golden haired angel. I will see you in my dreams._

 _John_

Tea gone cold and biscuits forgotten, Anna sat silently weeping as her eyes moved over the words John had written. They were exactly what she needed to hear from him. A balm to her soul and a light in the darkness. He loved her so tenderly and yet so fiercely. Her love for him grew every day. She placed the letter carefully back into the envelope and tucked it away in her pocket. Grabbing the cup and saucer, she quickly cleaned the small mess she had made so that John wouldn't come home and find it. Sometimes the Earl would conclude business and come home on the last train, but it was more common for them to return home in the morning on the second train from London. Task completed, she made sure every door and window was securely locked and went upstairs.

As she completed her nightly rituals, she thought about John and how she had been treating him since the night she found him downstairs and confronted him. In many ways, things had improved and continued to do so. They had started talking and touching again. Reconnected during the day with shared moments found in the course of their duties. The day before he left, they'd had a big misunderstanding and she had physically hurt him. He knew that she hadn't meant to and said as much, but what bothered her more than that was the way she had snapped at him when he sought her out. He was concerned about her because of her odd behavior and she had punished him for it by snapping and yelling at him.

It was an all too common occurrence since her incident. So much so that it appears to have become second nature to her. A cruel habit that most likely reminded him of his first marriage, though he would never mention that. She hated to see his reaction and now that she was beyond her self-imposed isolation, it hurt her to see him endure her tirades and absorb them. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he probably thinks he deserves them or is the cause of these bouts of anger and ugliness.

This vile thing that happened has left a poison inside that still works against her. Spoiling her mood. Tarnishing her outlook. Influencing her thoughts. She has seen it take many forms, though they are becoming fewer of late. And yet she still lashes out at her John. The man who stood by her in her darkest hours, even when she would have him leave. There has to be a way to stop the quick reply of her forked tongue. The source of such hurtful and cruel words spoken without care. Her mind tumbled over the many times she had done that to him and one thing stood out above all others. The comments were out of her mouth before her mind had the means to stop them. Perhaps if she were able to stop and think for a moment before speaking, it would be enough to derail the hurtful words. Putting down her brush, she got into bed and put out the candles. She was relieved to have a plan and said a prayer before she drifted off to sleep.

TBC


	17. Chapter 17

AN: Greetings! All evidence to the contrary, I have not forgotten this story. I have had another big dose of life's complications thrown at me...too many in a single year, but it's nearly over. The next has to be better than this one. Enough of my lamentations. I am working on the epilogue for this story, which has a few more chapters. Thank you for reading and/or reviewing. :o)

Ch. 17

John Bates sat on the train as they approached the station near Downton. His thoughts as they rolled through the countryside usually turned to that first eventful journey here to start a new chapter of his life, but today was different. He had mixed feelings as the train rumbled along the tracks. On one hand, he felt less burdened now that he had finally confessed all that happened to Robert. He was lighter. No longer carrying the weight of the world upon his shoulders. On the other, however, he felt the frisson of apprehension as the train drew closer to its destination. How would his beloved react to him sharing their secret with Robert? How would she feel about the note he left her? How would she be when he got there? Would she have suffered and resented him for not being there to support her? Would she close herself off again or might she be happy to see him after all?

Despite her emergence from the haze of suffering she was in, she still snapped at him frequently and was very defensive or combative at times. She yelled at him with an undercurrent of contempt he would have never thought possible before Green entered their lives. His mind went over all the ways in which Anna had changed over the past months. The times she would ignore his discomfort. The emptiness in her eyes when she looked at him. The way she was able to tell him to leave, to divorce her, without a hint of emotion. The manner in which she would flinch at his touch, no matter how familiar. The way she shocked him to the core, chastising him the way Vera had when they were intimate for one of the first times after her ordeal. It was hard to reconcile this version of Anna with the one who adored him and fought for him every step of the way. And yet he had to, for the Anna prior to Green and after Green were one in the same.

In his discussions with Robert, John had finally realized that his view of Anna was too close. Too narrow. They were so intertwined with one another's lives, that it was nigh impossible to see their troubles from a broader perspective. Hearing Robert's view of Anna's behavior and actions, John had to admit that that there were improvements Anna had made that he noticed but attributed to something other than what it was. The biggest of these was the misunderstanding they had before he left. He saw that Anna was desperate for him not to leave, but in his mind it seemed as if she was panicking because she wasn't yet strong enough to be on her own. He knew what happened to her and accepted it without fault or blame. Because she wasn't fully healed, in his mind, she didn't want him to leave because he was her only support. Once she fully healed, he feared that she wouldn't _need_ him anymore and therefore would no longer want him. In his mind, the lies, the cutting words, the contempt she seemed to hold for him would eventually outweigh her need to have him around to make her feel safe. Robert, having observed Anna's behavior that day, saw in it her love and devotion to him. He couldn't dismiss Robert's opinion because of their long history and involvement with him. Anna brought to Robert the sordid details of his past to save his job, lead after lead in her quest to have him freed from prison and she had been working for the family for over a decade. They knew her. Robert had come to know her as more than just the hired help. He hoped that Robert was correct in his observations, but he would have to talk with Anna. He can't let these doubts go unmentioned.

Seeing the station in the distance, John grabbed his hat and prepared to disembark the train. As was customary, he arranged to have Lord Grantham's luggage staged nearby while they waited for the chauffeur to drive them back to the Abbey. Once everything was loaded and they were underway, John let his mind drift back to Anna. He hoped that she would be happy to see him. He had missed her and while they had some important things to talk about, he just wanted to spend time with her whilst she was in high spirits. The gravel crunching under the tires woke him from his reverie and he focused on getting the Earl settled so that he could find his wife.

It was an hour before he was able to finally go in search of Anna. It was just past tea time for the family, so he knew that his best chance of finding her would be in the servant's hall. He made his way down the stairs and paused at the bottom to listen to her amused laughter. It was a sound that he cherished now after its long absence from their lives. Mrs. Hughes was regaling her with a tale from her journey into town and their laughter rang out periodically. Not wanting to spoil their moment, John lingered just out of sight when Mrs. Patmore announced his arrival.

"Mr. Bates, there's no need to lurk about. Go on in and set down and I'll bring you tea and a sandwich. Off with you, now."

John hung his hat and coat in the hall before moving to sit by his wife, whose eyes followed him. Her mood had darkened and she looked at him with suspicion.

"Why were you lurking about, Mr. Bates? Did you feel the need to spy on me for a reason?"

The contempt in her tone made him sigh, but fortunately Lord Grantham's bell rang at the same time as Mrs. Hughes intervened.

"Anna, what's gotten into you?"

He spoke a quick apology before leaving the room as quickly as an old man with a gammy leg could move, thankful that Mrs. Hughes stopped Anna from further comment.

"I'm sorry, Anna. I just wanted to hear you laugh. I'll catch you up later."

DA – DA – DA

"I need to get on, Mrs. Hughes."

Anna tried to leave, but Mrs. Hughes was having none of it.

"Oh no you don't. In my office you go. I'll be in shortly."

Anna hung her head and did as she was told. She sat in the chair across from Mrs. Hughes small table and wrung her hands in her lap. Her husband hadn't even been able to greet her properly, thanks to her snapping at him and now her shame was displayed in front of Mrs. Hughes. So much for her plan. Her actions must seem more horrible when witnessed firsthand. Her eyes darted up when she heard the door shut, but trained them back on the floor when faced with Mrs. Hughes' incredulous glare.

"Where on earth did that come from, Anna?"

"I don't know."

She felt Mrs. Hughes' glare, even as she moved to sit across from Anna and set two cups of tea down on the small table between them.

"I think you do, Anna. I believe if you are honest with yourself, you will know why you keep at Mr. Bates in such fashion. I must admit, I thought that you were exaggerating when you told me of this. I've never seen you this way, Anna. Not even with Thomas or Miss O'Brien."

She looked at the housekeeper in confusion. Why would she lie to herself? That didn't make any sense.

"I truly don't know where it's coming from. It all started after the incident, like so many other things. I want it to stop. I just came up with a plan to wait a few moments before I spoke to him in such a manner, but that didn't work. It just flies out of my mouth before I can stop it."

Her frustration was surfacing again. She wanted to change this. To go back to the way she was before she was violated.

"Oh come now, Anna. Surely you have a reason to think he was spying on you if you snapped at him about it. Why would you say such a thing?"

"I don't know!"

Anna snapped at Mrs. Hughes, then covered her mouth in shock. She was mortified and immediately apologized before casting her eyes down at her tea cup. At Mrs. Hughes' continued silence, she finally chanced a glance at the housekeeper. Instead of the anger she expected, she found a knowing look and raised eyebrow.

"My dear girl, you had something vicious happen to you and you have gone through many changes during the healing process. Some, I'm afraid will be permanent and some temporary. While this snapping is disconcerting and unlike you, I don't think it will be permanent unless you continue to avoid the reason for it."

"I told you, I don't know."

Her tone was much better, but Anna was frustrated by Mrs. Hughes' insistence that she knows why she's acting in the awful manner.

"Anna, you're clinging to Mr. Bates and also you seem to be pushing him away. I think you're afraid of losing him. Even before he said he would leave so you could be happy, you were doing this. I think that incident made those fears more palpable."

Anna nodded. It made sense. And her behavior, though it's been improved in a lot of ways, has gotten worse in her snap reactions to John.

"I'm not pushing him away."

"Are you not? Didn't you tell him multiple times to leave you?"

"Well, yes but that was before."

"And yet you still snap at him with that tone. Why?"

Anna opened her mouth to answer, but closed it again. Sitting here being questioned by Mrs. Hughes made her uncomfortable. John always dismissed her comments with an apology of his own, just like this morning. To be questioned like this…maybe that's what she needs. Maybe she's still doing it because no one holds her accountable. She sighed. She knew. She knew in her bones what was bothering her. Deeper than the guilt. She no longer felt worthy of him. He had forgiven her but she had not forgiven herself. Voice barely above a whisper, she spoke.

"Because this was my fault and I don't deserve him, not anymore."

"Oh Anna, you know that's not true. Surely Mr. Bates hasn't said anything of the kind."

"No, he wouldn't…would he?"

"Then why must you take the blame for what happened to you?"

"No, I'm not to blame for that. Mr. Bates told me so. He said no matter what I did or said, that it would've probably happened anyway because men like him take what they want. The more you fight them the better they like it. Nothing would stop a man like that. No that isn't it."

"Then what, pray tell, do you believe you're to blame for?"

Anna didn't speak at first. Could she really tell Mrs. Hughes what she did? Would she agree with John's assessment or would she look upon her actions unfavorably? Would their friendship survive this? It was strained after her testimony at John's trial, even though she was telling the truth. It was hard for her to forgive them until she discussed it with John. He had said that he held no ill will toward them. When she asked why, he told her "They wouldn't be in that position if I had not spoken my thoughts aloud. Had I kept them to myself, no one would be able to testify." She tried to argue with him, but he told her words she would never forget. "Anna. I've done many things in my life I regret, but I didn't kill Vera. What I did was talk badly about someone behind their back and wish them ill, not unlike O'Brien or Thomas. Their testimony was not what incriminated me. It was my words spoken to them, which created a situation in which they had to judge whether my words would support the accusations against me."

"You would think badly of me, Mrs. Hughes. More than you do now."

"Anna, look at me."

She felt Mrs. Hughes hand on hers and looked up.

"None of us are perfect, dear. If I turned away from everyone who has done something disappointing or made a mistake, I would be alone. Tell me what wound is festering in your soul and let us be rid of it."

Anna searched her eyes and considered her words. Maybe she needed to confess to someone other than John. She hoped he wouldn't be upset.

"This started before the incident. When Green was at the Abbey, he seemed nice enough. He kept at me, as if I were the most interesting person in the room. I didn't think anything of it until John walked into the servants' hall and found us laughing over something. When I saw that John was upset, it piqued my curiosity. The fact that he would be jealous of Green's attentions hadn't occurred to me before. I wanted to see how he would react."

She chanced a look at Mrs. Hughes and saw understanding and disappointment cross her features. She dropped her eyes again. She needed to finish this and she never would if she looked at Mrs. Hughes.

"That's not quite true. I wanted him to react. I knew he'd be upset, but I thought it would be harmless like in a novel. I encouraged Green's attentions and John was well and truly flustered and upset. He tried talking to me. He snapped at me and he yelled at me in front of everyone. I wanted that reaction and yet I scolded him for not trusting me. I scolded him for yelling and making a scene. After all the years it took me to make him see that he was deserving of love, of a second chance, I sent him right back into self-doubt. I showed him that I could fancy another man even though that is impossible. The worst of it was that Green made disparaging remarks about John and our marriage. I told him just the opposite, but only saw the truth of the matter later. What I said didn't matter because he believed my actions told him a different story. To a man without honor, it appeared I wasn't interested in my husband."

Anna wept, unable to speak anymore. She felt Mrs. Hughes' arm encircle her and she lost it. She wept bitter tears of shame and regret. Heaving sobs wracked her body. She couldn't speak. She could barely breathe. She just wanted to crawl in a hole and hide.

DA – DA – DA

Mrs. Hughes held the hysterical girl in her arms. She had no idea what to do as it has been long enough that she should have quieted by now. Anna seemed to be completely unaware of her surroundings so she left in search of someone to fetch Mr. Bates. Finding Mr. Carson as he was moving down the hall, she called to him and asked him to fetch Mr. Bates.

"Whatever for? This is highly irregular Mrs. Hughes."

She shook her head at his pompous nature. She loved the man, but he was infuriating sometimes. She whispered to him urgently.

"Charles Carson, go find that man right now. Anna is going to pass out if she doesn't calm down and she's _not calming down!_ "

Letting out a sigh of relief as he mumbled and took off, she hurried back to Anna. Anna was still in hysterics and struggling to breathe. She urged her to calm down but it wasn't working. Her door flung open and John entered the room.

"Oh thank God!"

She stood and let John have the chair next to his wife, closing the door on Charles and Mrs. Patmore. She leaned against the door and watched in amazement as John sat and spoke to Anna. Almost immediately she recognized him and moved to him, setting upon his lap and calming as he whispered to her with his arms around her.

Once she was satisfied that no one was going to bother them, she wet a flannel and gave it to him for her. She sat across from them and looked away to give them a bit of privacy. She didn't want to leave in case Anna was unwilling or unable to explain what happened. She knew Mr. Bates would want to know what set her off and she hoped that he would forgive her for pushing Anna. At the time she thought it would help her, but now she worried that she had done more damage than good.

"Thank you for looking after her and sending for me."

She smiled weakly in return to his grateful smile.

"Perhaps you'll want to wait for that. I'm afraid that I am the reason for this. I confronted her about what happened earlier and I think now that I pushed too hard. That she wasn't ready to be challenged yet."

She waited for his negative reaction, but it never came.

"If there's one thing I've learned in the last few months, it's that it is impossible to know how far is too far. She won't hold it against you, nor will I. We both know that you have nothing but her best interests in mind."

As he spoke, Anna was quiet, but nodding in agreement. She let out a breath she didn't even realize she was holding.

"I'm very sorry that I have upset her. That wasn't my intention."

She watched them and her heart broke that they had to endure yet another debilitating trial.

"I doubt it was you that upset her. Please don't worry over it."

Elsie shook her head at his words, but didn't argue any more. He needed to focus on Anna, not her. Anna must have finally realized she was on John's bad leg, for she bolted off his lap and startled them both.

"John! Your leg. I'm sorry."

"My leg is fine. I can manage."

Anna looked at John, then her and rolled her eyes and they all started laughing.

"Anna, run upstairs and wash up. That will give you some time to get yourself together. Mr. Bates and I will have a chat and when you return, you can let me know if you intend to stay and finish the day or if you need to leave."

"Yes, Mrs. Hughes. May I have a quick word with Mr. Bates first?"

"Of course, I'll be back in just a few minutes."

DA – DA – DA

John eyed his wife as Mrs. Hughes left the room. He was wary of her and her mood swings. She was usually contrite after such an episode, but after what happened this morning he didn't know what to expect. The accusation this morning was new and different, as well as her being so upset with anyone besides him. He waited for her to start talking.

"Mr. Bates. John, I want to apologize for this morning. I don't think you were spying on me."

He watched her closely as she spoke. Her eyes were cast down to the floor and her voice was hoarse and trembled still from her outburst.

"I was lurking and technically you could say I was spying on you, but not because I thought you were doing something wrong. I came in and you were laughing so beautifully and so freely that I didn't want to interrupt you. It has been so long since you've been able to openly enjoy yourself I didn't have the heart to intrude."

"Oh John. How can you say such things after the way I went after you this morning?"

"You are my wife."

She interrupted him.

"Yes. Yes I am! Which is why you shouldn't accept this behavior from me. You don't deserve it. You should lavish your beautiful words on someone deserving of them."

Her voice tapered off as she finished her thought and she hung her head in shame. Her lip trembled as he tilted her head up to look at him.

"My love, do you remember the first thing you said to me after you found out I had been imprisoned and was a drunkard?"

She cringed at the word drunkard. She hated that word associated with him even though she knew very well how bad off he was at that time. It was nothing short of amazing the transformation he made in his life. She shook her head.

"I will never forget it. You asked me if I would really leave. Not is it true. Not why didn't you tell me. Not stay out of my life. Not any of the things you would have been well within your rights to say. No. Not _my_ Anna. Not you. Nothing could change your love for me. Why do you think that it's different for me?"

"But John…"

"I'm not perfect. I can't tell you I don't get frustrated because I do. If I'm honest, I'm exhausted. I feel like I'm not doing any good for you, but I love you and will do everything I can to help you."

She wilted at his words. They needed to have a talk, but now was not the time. She allowed him to envelop her in his embrace and comfort her until Mrs. Hughes knocked and came in. He tilted his head down and whispered to her.

"We'll talk later. Remember Anna, I will love you however, whatever, whenever."

She breathed deeply, then nodded to Mrs. Hughes and set off for the attics to wash up a bit. She felt somewhat better, but was still unsettled by her meanness to John.

TBC


	18. Chapter 18

**AN:** Thanks for the well wishes...things seem to have settled down into our new normal, finally. To those who are still with me on this journey, my thanks! To those that took an extra few moments to leave a review and words of encourage, my sincerest gratitude. I have several more chapters ready to post after a last read through for each, but I do seem to be stuck at the moment on one of the final chapters. I will find the way, just have to mull it over some more and look at it from a different perspective. In the meantime, here is the next installment.

Ch. 18

"Mr. Bates, please have a seat. I'm not quite sure what to say. I'm sorry for getting Anna so upset. I…"

John sat down again and heaved a sigh as he prepared himself for yet another difficult conversation about him and Anna, this time with Mrs. Hughes.

"Please. This is not of your making. She cannot reconcile her contrary emotions and I think it upsets her greatly. It's not like her to be this way and the longer it continues, the more I fear she may need something I cannot give her."

"Certainly not. You have a profound positive effect on her like I have never seen before. You must not think like that, Mr. Bates. She has come so far under your care. Surely you can see that she had not started healing until she reunited with you."

John thought about this. Lord Grantham had said something similar. How can he be helping her whilst he is the cause of so much distress?

"She has made great strides, but I seem to upset her quite a lot. I am just back from London and she accuses me of spying. And to what end? I just didn't want to intrude upon her happiness and yet by lingering I set her off again. I have watched her many times and it's never bothered her before."

John paused a moment. This was the crux of his problem. He loved Anna. More than anything. He would not stay if it meant ruining her, but he promised her he would never leave. He has been in a marriage where both parties were miserable. He won't do that to her.

"How long can I continue on knowing that I am hurting her as much, if not more than I am helping her? How do I know that the outbursts and negativity isn't a result of me? Am I unable to provide what she needs? Am I too passive with her? Too assertive? Does she look at me and see him sometimes? Is that why she is uncharacteristically nasty? Or is it just that she has lost patience with me? What am I supposed to think about all this? What am I supposed to do? How do I know when enough is enough? I've brought ruination upon one woman. I won't do it again. Anna is too precious, too good."

His leg was acting up so he shifted and stretched it out. Where was Anna? He just wanted to go home and be with her. They needed to talk. He knew that. He's spent so much time talking, between the Earl and Mrs. Hughes, that he just wants to go home and enjoy some quiet time with his wife. Whether or not that would come to pass was unclear at present.

He looked at the housekeeper. She didn't seem to know what to say. Nor did he. The thought of Anna leaving or telling him to leave was devastating. But the thought of staying in a marriage where he couldn't make his wife happy was torture. Deciding there was nothing more for him to say and nothing more he wanted to hear, he stood and went to the door. Mrs. Hughes called his name.

"Thank you, Mrs. Hughes, truly, for being Anna's friend and mentor. I don't need to know what transpired here to know that she won't hold it against you, nor will I. We understand you were trying to help her. Please don't worry about it."

He put his hand on the door handle and opened the door part way. More to himself than Mrs. Hughes, he voiced a question long buried in his mind.

"What is wrong with me that everything I have, everything I love is either taken from me or turns against me?"

DA – DA – DA

Anna was about to knock on the door to Mrs. Hughes' sitting room when the door started to open.

 _"What is wrong with me that everything I have, everything I love is either taken from me or turns against me?"_

Anna heard her husband's words and her heart sank. This was the second time she heard John utter words that she never dreamed he would say. He felt she was turning against him and she really couldn't blame him with the way she treats him. To him it probably seems like the beginning of the end.

He opened the door and stopped in his tracks, facing her with a contrite look. She knew that he knew that she heard what he'd said. She looked up at him and tried to reassure him of her love, but they just didn't have time. She could see that he was torn and just as she was about to speak, he grabbed her hand and pulled her along the corridor, through the hall and out into the courtyard. He continued on around the corner, hand still laced with hers, and into a dark corner hidden from the house. Her heart rate picked up as he guided her to the wall and silently sought permission to approach her.

She smiled, nodding to her husband and he descended upon her. Kissing her lips. Encircling her in his arms and bringing her body to his. Holding her tightly, his voice soft and breath hot in her ear.

"I've missed you, Anna. I don't want to lose you. I don't want to upset you. I'm sorry about earlier. I do trust you, in all things. I want to make you happy again. I'll try harder. I know I can be a bit of a trial."

Anna was concerned by her husband's pleading. What a mess they were, both afraid of losing the other. They didn't have a lot of time, but she had to try to get them on stable ground. She pulled back a bit and he immediately acquiesced to her signal. Before he could apologize again, she held his face in her hands, brought it down to hers, and kissed him soundly. As she pulled back a second time, she held her finger to his lips to silence him.

"John, you did nothing wrong today. That was on me. We'll need to talk about what happened with Mrs. Hughes and some other things. I want you to know I'm glad you're home and I'm glad your back is getting better. I don't know what's brought this on, but I will always enjoy a heated embrace in the shadows with you. I've missed you too, my love."

She pulled him down and kissed him again to make the point. She did miss him. It's always so lonely in the house when she knows he is away and not just at the Abbey or on an errand. She drew out the kiss, stroking his tongue with hers, nibbling on his bottom lip, and finally running her tongue just above his collar the way he likes. Her eyes found his and she was pleased to see a content smile and desire in his eyes. Provided she didn't mess it up, a wonderful night lay ahead.

She sighed as he embraced her, then let go to retrieve his cane.

"I'm going to let you go in, while I take in a bit of air."

Anna was going to protest, then gave her husband a once over and saw the reason for the delay. A knowing smile and raised eyebrow should be enough of an answer for him. She gave him the look, ran her hand down his forearm and left him there to cool his ardor.

She went back into the Abbey only to be led away again by Mrs. Hughes. Back in Mrs. Hughes' sitting room, she felt much better than the first time she was beckoned. Her husband's desire was strong enough for him to whisk her off into a dark corner and kiss her senseless. Knowing he was afraid of losing her as much as she finally admitted she was afraid of losing him also improved her outlook.

"Anna, I need to apologize to you. I shouldn't have pushed you like that. I was so scared you weren't going to calm down. Thank goodness Mr. Bates was here."

Anna shook her head a bit and looked at the housekeeper fondly.

"It's quite alright, Mrs. Hughes. It's about time someone defended John against my behavior because he won't. He will just absorb it and apologize, even when he's done nothing wrong. He's already apologized for earlier. I know I've been horrible to him ever since this all happened, but nothing I've done on my own has changed that. Maybe your confrontation is what I needed. I'm sorry that I became a bit hysterical."

Mrs. Hughes nodded and took her hand across the table.

"Any one of the trials you two have been through is more than most people would survive. And then the vicious attack on you that has crippled you both is unthinkable. I don't know any couple that would persevere and endure everything you've been put through. If anyone can make it through this, it is the pair of you."

Anna clasped Mrs. Hughes' hand with her own. She owed so much to the housekeeper, but didn't know where to begin. Before she could say anything, Mrs. Hughes continued.

"I must confess that I never thought you were serious about him. Oh I knew you were smitten, but as it seemed to be your first time I thought it would pass. When I learned he was married, I was mad at myself for letting you get in so deep. There was nothing to be done, though. One cannot reason with the heart. I've never seen love the way it is between the two of you. The devotion each one of you have for the other is quite extraordinary. It is high time you took your own advice, my dear, and believe that you deserve his love and devotion. Stop hiding your fears from him. He loves you Anna, without reservation. Welcome it."

She nodded at the housekeeper and smiled. They stood up and Anna hugged Mrs. Hughes warmly.

"Thank you ever so much for being my friend, my ally and a mother in my own's absence. I don't know what I would do without you."

"You've always been special to me, my dear. Now get on and finish your day. I'm sure you want to be out of here early. Leave the mending, it will wait."

Anna hugged her again and left to tend to the rest of her duties. Usually when Lord Grantham returned from London he would turn in early. She hoped that was the case today. At the sound of Lady Mary's bell, she went upstairs.

DA – DA – DA

John made his way to Lord Grantham's dressing room and softly knocked to announce his arrival. Upon hearing the Earl's voice, he entered.

"John! There you are. I trust that everything is settled from the trip."

"Yes…"

John hesitated a moment, as he tried to process the informal address. He'd assumed that the formalities would be in place at the Abbey, as the Earl had addressed him in such a manner as they left London.

"Sir."

"Is there something wrong, John?"

"Eh well, no not as such, My Lord, but…"

Unsure what to say, he trailed off and stopped speaking. He didn't want to offend and the Earl seemed oblivious to the informal address.

"John, just come out with it."

John cleared his throat and tried to explain.

"Well, Sir, since we are back at Downton and I am your Valet, I had assumed we would go back to formal titles."

John was startled by the hearty laugh that Lord Grantham let loose.

"Does it make you uncomfortable for me to call you John?"

"Not as such, Sir. I'm not accustomed to it, but it doesn't bother me."

"And would it bother you to call me Robert, when no one else is present?"

"Well, no. That is, I don't mind calling you Robert if that is your wish."

John shifted on his feet. He didn't want to offend his friend, but he didn't want to embarrass him by addressing him informally at an inappropriate time.

"However…"

"However, My Lord, I wouldn't want to offend you or others by calling you Robert when it is not appropriate."

"I see. While it wouldn't bother me, I do see how it may ruffle some feathers. You may do as you see fit. I do have one request though, John. I meant what I said in London. I would like to be your friend. So when you have time, I would like to have a chat from time to time and be called Robert."

"Thank you, Robert. That is most agreeable."

He began to assist Robert as he shed his clothing and prepared for an early evening.

"How was Anna upon your return, if you don't mind my asking?"

John sighed. He didn't want to embarrass Anna, but he didn't want to lie to his friend either.

"Well, I'm afraid I upset her, but she has forgiven me already."

"How on earth did that happen? You've only just returned."

"It was just a misunderstanding. I was about to enter the hall, but her and Mrs. Hughes were sharing a story and Anna was laughing so openly I didn't want to interrupt her. Mrs. Patmore announced my presence prematurely and Anna didn't take it well."

John moved to the closet and hung the jacket after discarding the other garments to the wash bin.

"Not the welcome you had hoped for then."

"Not as such, no."

He lingered in thought by the closet until he felt a hand upon his shoulder.

"Just a while longer, John. I've already made arrangements to have your time off and travel scheduled. Is there anywhere in particular you would like to go? Speak freely."

"I'd like to take Anna to Ireland. Away from here. Away from the memories. Away from the spectre of Green."

"I thought you might, my good man. I will plan for time in your birthplace, as well as some other sites in the country."

"I don't know quite what to say, Robert. Thank you."

He shook Robert's hand and took the envelop he offered.

"I've written a note to Anna. I've left it open in case you want to read it before giving it to her. It details what I have offered you and some other things that I felt needed to be said. Be strong a while longer John and you will get the break that both of you need."

John nodded but gave the envelope back to him.

"I will take it to her, but I would ask that you seal it. Given that she accused me of spying today, seeing an unsealed note addressed to her may reinforce that thought."

"Spying? On Anna? Good Lord. Just a moment, then."

John waited as he went to the desk and sealed the note. He hated to be an inconvenience, but he didn't want another disagreement with Anna.

"Here you are then, John. Have a good night."

"You as well, Sir."

TBC


	19. Chapter 19

**AN:** Happy New Year! I hope that the new year brings you wonderful things. This is a bit of an interlude...I've always liked Robert and Cora as a couple and thought I would take a short detour to explore their dynamic. I'm not as comfortable with their voices so they may come off as a bit OOC. I will be posting another chapter in the next day or two to compensate for the lack of Anna and John in this chapter. Thank you reading.

Ch. 19

Robert went to Cora's bedroom to find her at the vanity fussing with her things. O'Brien was already gone, thankfully. He stood in the doorway and watched his wife. He tried to imagine what he would do if Cora were violated in such a manner. How would she weather the attack and the aftermath? How would their relationship change? Would he be able to support her for months on end whilst she ignored him and suffered in silence? He got a taste of that when she had her miscarriage, but that passed relatively quickly. He paled as his thoughts turned to the more graphic imagery of a man forcing himself on his Cora - pulling her hair, ripping her clothes, pushing himself into…

"Robert, what on earth is the matter? You're white as a sheet."

"Oh, sorry darling. It's nothing."

He felt himself being led to the edge of the bed. Trying to shake the images in his mind, he focused on his wife. Caressing her face with his fingers seemed to ground him in the here and now.

"That wasn't nothing, Robert. Tell me."

He gazed at his wife. Grateful that she was unharmed, he tried to explain himself without giving away John and Anna's torment.

"In London, I learned of a terrible event that happened to a friend and his wife. I came here and saw you at the vanity and couldn't help being grateful for your safety. Then my imagination took hold and... And. Well, I won't share my thoughts, but it was a terrible thing that you won't have to endure."

He brought Cora into his arms and held her as he tried to quell his imagination again. Speaking of them brought the images back. He breathed in his wife's scent and let it calm him.

"Does this have anything with all the arrangements you've been in a rush to get done upon your return from London. I did miss you coming to me this time."

He felt her breath on his skin and her teeth nipping his ear, which made him shiver.

"Yes, it does. And I've missed you."

He allowed his lips to trail down her neck and over her shoulder before finding her mouth with his own. He was about to slip off her gown when her next words startled him from his task.

"And what does all this have to do with Anna and Bates?"

He sat up and sighed. He knew Cora was inquisitive, but he didn't keep his wits about him and she's already put most of it together. While her questions didn't indicate she knew much, he knew her well enough to know that she knows more than what she is asking.

"Bugger! Look, Cora, before this goes any further you must swear you won't say anything of this to anyone. Not anyone in this household, out of it and not any of the servants, especially O'Brien."

Her disapproval was evident when he mentioned her lady's maid, but he gave her a look and continued.

"I will explain it all, but you have to promise. If you can't or won't, then we'll leave it as such and never speak of it again. It is an extremely delicate and sensitive matter. It must not become common knowledge."

Robert stood and went to the window. Gazing at the grounds, he decided he would feel her out by starting with the nonessential information.

"You know my friendship with John dates back to the war."

"I do, though I don't understand your loyalty to him. He's a criminal, he deserted you, embarrassed you and I've heard he doesn't do all of his duties and passes them off."

Robert held his temper in check. He was expecting this and anger wouldn't persuade her.

"And who are you getting this information from?"

"O'Brien, mostly."

"Mostly?"

"Oh alright! Just O'Brien. But surely she knows what she's talking about?"

Robert clenched his fist as his wife implied that a servant's word would best his own. He turned to look at her and his anger dissipated. She realized what she had implied and her eyes told him she regretted it. He went and sat next to her and held her hands.

"My dear. I've known John for almost 30 years. He fought honorably and was awarded medals for his service. He saved my life and has had to live with the consequences of that decision ever since. He chose poorly when it came to his wife and we _all_ have felt the effects of that."

She nodded her understanding and he went on.

"Many men who came back from the war used liquor to escape the memories. I have done so myself on occasion. I went to see him once, after I came home. He had been back in England for several months with the injury. He was only a shell of the man I knew. Drunk, gaunt, and listless. His wife said awful things to him in front of me. Taunted him about his injury, his manhood, and other vicious things. I was stunned and suddenly understood why he never spoke of his wife and never seemed to miss home. I didn't know what to do other than get out of there."

"But what could you have done for him?"

"I don't know, but it is one of my life's regrets that I didn't even try to help. The man saved me from the bullets that would have ended my life, suffers to this day with the injury he sustained from those same bullets, has never even acknowledged that he had done anything beyond his duty, and when he needed me I ran."

Robert sighed and allowed himself a moment to enjoy the comfort from his wife.

"Robert, if he was as bad off as you say how did he get out?"

"His wife committed a crime and got caught with the silver at the house. John confessed to spare her from prison and used that time to change the way he lived."

"But why? He could have let her go to prison and rid himself of her. Surely that would have been grounds for divorce."

"He's never told me, but I suspect that he believed that he was the reason for their marriage failing. I believe he felt he put her in a position where she felt she had to steal so he confessed and took the blame for her."

"Why would he do such a selfless act for her and then kill her years later?"

Robert stood and turned in shock. This would explain a great deal of his wife's disdain for his Valet.

"Cora! Of course he didn't kill her. Do you honestly think he would've have been set free if he had?"

"But they say that he got away with it. That he knows something about you and that's why you let him stay."

"O'Brien's words, no doubt. John knows a great deal about me, between the war and serving as my valet. He is discrete and loyal. He would never leverage that knowledge to improve his position."

"Yes, I know you believe that of him Robert, but how do you really know?"

"If he were going to do as you say, he would have used it as leverage to get the job, which he didn't, or when I had fired him. He thanked me for the job and apologized for not meeting my standards. John Bates is a lot of things, but he's not an extortionist. He is a man of integrity and honor. He left this job and Anna to save the reputation of this house by going back to live with that horrid woman. How would you ever reconcile his actions with O'Brien's false characterizations?"

Robert watched his wife while she turned over their words in her mind. He needed her to come to the conclusion on her own or she would never guard their secret closely. She would dismiss it and forget the importance of discretion.

"I can't. A great deal of what he did looked bad when he did it, but the reasons he had for doing them were honorable. It's hard to believe that there is someone as bad off as he was that could change his life so drastically. I always wondered what compelled Anna to marry him, especially knowing that his injury can't be fixed. Perhaps it's not such a mystery after all."

Robert smiled. She was coming around, finally. He would have preferred not to share their difficulties, but his own mistakes were to blame. He would have to have a chat with John later.

"Right. What is to be your decision on the matter? It really must kept secret."

"And it will be, but you must explain why you are so critical of O'Brien all of a sudden. You've never said anything before."

"I had a long talk with John in London. He's been terribly out of sorts for months and I felt it was high time I return the friendship he has always shared with me. In the discussion, I had finally asked him what happened the day that he fell. I've never known him to be a clumsy man, before or after the injury. It seems that O'Brien kicked his cane out from under him and he didn't want create more of a spectacle getting up."

Cora's face mirrored his expression when he had heard the story.

"He never told you?"

"Remember the bauble that went missing, then was found later in the wrong room?"

"Yes, it was misplaced by one of the new staff if I remember what Carson said of the matter."

"It was misplaced intentionally, into John's room. Anna figured out that Barrow and O'Brien were up to something and had him check for it and it was there."

"But Carson said…"

"John put it in a neutral location."

"But why not put it in one of the other's rooms?"

"He said that's what Anna suggested, but John's not like that. I'm sure there's more trouble they caused for him, but he didn't share anything else."

"But Robert, surely he told you this was going on?"

"No, he never did. Not when he was fired, not when he came back. Not until I cornered him in London."

"I must say, I'm very disappointed in O'Brien. Perhaps I should look for a replacement for her."

"You can think it over and decide. However, regardless of whether she stays or goes, I would ask that you censor what you say around her."

Robert walked to the window and looked out, seeing the darkness fall over the grounds. He hadn't realized that Cora approached him until he felt her arms encircle his waist.

"Robert, regardless of what I decide about O'Brien, I won't divulge anything to her any longer. I shudder to think what damage she has caused in other's lives. And it also appears I have misjudged your val…uh your friend. I should've had more faith in your judgment."

Robert's eyes slipped closed as he felt Cora's head rest against his back, enjoying the comfort of her embrace and grateful that they had not endured the trial that Anna and John were still facing.

"I've also doubted my own judgement, so I'll not hold it against you. As I said before, it is imperative that you not speak of this to anyone. While nearly everyone saw them go through this terrible time rather publicly, only a few people know what actually happened."

Robert turned and searched his wife's eyes. Relieved that she was aware of the serious nature of the issue at hand, he knew that it would go no further.

"I understand. It will go no further than this room. Not to the girls and certainly not to O'Brien."

"Blast! There's just no easy way to say this. Anna was raped. Here at the Abbey in the servants' hall."

He turned again, trying to banish the images being conjured again. At Cora's gasp, he turned to watch her go sit on the edge of the bed.

"Who would do such a thing? And when?"

"Apparently, it was on the night of the concert. She went downstairs alone and Gillingham's valet cornered her in the hall."

He could see Cora putting the new information together in her mind.

"But that was months ago and Tony had come back many times after that. How did she handle being around him?"

"I've no idea. It's been an ordeal for her and for John."

"That's what had you so upset, earlier."

He sat next to Cora and took her hand in his.

"Yes."

"I've heard many things over the last few months and have seen changes in John. Anna moved back here for a time, then went back to their cottage later. I thought that perhaps she was lured into a tryst with a man or perhaps he lost his temper or that they found they just couldn't live together. But it was far worse than I ever imagined."

"You're organizing this trip for them to get away from here, then. I couldn't figure why you would go to such great lengths for them. It makes sense now. All this time the two of them have been working themselves tirelessly here and having to deal with this horrible event. I think it's a wonderful idea to let them have a holiday. What made you think of it?"

"I've been watching John. He always does his work well, but having known him for so long I could tell that something was wrong. When she returned to him, his suffering should have ended. But it didn't. After our argument the other day, I saw Anna quite literally run into John as I was walking the grounds. She was desperately begging him not to leave her and he had no clue what she was on about. Long story short, I asked him to go to London and he went home and packed. Sometime between him packing and returning to the Abbey, she went home and found the valise by the door. Since he hadn't had time to tell her, she assumed he was leaving. That was when I decided to get to the bottom of what was going on with him, having inadvertently caused a problem between them."

"Oh my. I can't imagine what it's like for either of them."

"I cancelled my plans and instead arranged to talk to John. The poor man is exhausted after months of helping Anna through this ordeal. Sleepless nights, working long hours here and taking care of everything at their home have taken their toll on him. For a long time, Anna was much like you were after we lost our son. She is finally making improvements again, but it is slow going and there are setbacks occasionally."

Cora's hand squeezed his and she nodded.

"They both need to get away from here for a while, I believe. You and I had time and privacy to deal with our loss. They haven't had much of either, which is why I think they are still having a hell of a time moving past this."

"You're doing the right thing, Robert. I don't need to know anymore…I'm sure he told you in confidence and I won't repeat any of it. I wish that I could do something for Anna, but I don't want her to know that I know. It would probably embarrass or upset her."

"I love you, my darling."

Robert kissed his wife and allowed her to welcome him home properly.


	20. Chapter 20

AN: I must apologize for the delay. Life got in the way of things, but i have been working on this story's endgame. We are back to Anna and John, who are about to finally get the reprieve they deserve. Thank you, Elva J for the gentle reminder that at least one person was waiting for me to continue this story. All mistakes are my own and i still don't own anything.

Ch. 20

John and Anna found themselves walking home a couple hours earlier than normal. Hand in hand, both were quiet and pensive after their eventful reunion. John glanced down at Anna, squeezing her hand to get her attention. When her eyes met his, he smiled.

"I love you, Anna. There are things we must discuss very soon, but before we do I would like to know how you got on whilst I was away. Did you enjoy your early night?"

John didn't want to deal with anymore difficulties today, although he knew that they would, so he chose to start with the pleasantries.

"I did, although it's not the same when you aren't nearby. I do have one small bone to pick with you, husband."

John cringed internally, but waited for her to continue with only his curiosity on display. Her tone was lighthearted and he didn't want to spoil it with a bad reaction.

"I didn't get to enjoy my tea and biscuits that you mentioned in your letter."

She didn't seem angry, which put him at ease. His curiosity was elevated though as he couldn't figure why that would be.

"You didn't?"

"No, and it was your fault!"

He saw the mirth dancing in her eyes and his heart skipped a beat.

"Impossible! I wasn't here."

"But you were. I found your letter as you knew I would. As I read I could hear you speak the words in my mind."

He nearly stumbled as she stopped them a few meters from their home.

"Your words were so beautiful, John. They were exactly what I needed to hear and they turned me into a blubbering mess. I couldn't take my eyes off the pages and forgot about the tea until after it had gone cold."

John felt bad that he took something she enjoyed and spoiled it for her.

"I'm sorry, I…"

"You can stop right there, Mr. Bates. I don't want an apology. I want to thank you, silly beggar."

He smiled and leaned down to kiss her.

"In that case, you're most welcome."

They completed the remainder of the journey speaking of inconsequential occurrences of the day and settled in their bedroom. They had skipped their usual tea seeing as they had dinner a short time before their dismissal.

"John. About what happened today, when…when I accused you."

John turned toward her as he undid his tie and collar. She was already undressed and sitting on the bed. He always gets so caught up in watching her and undoing her hair that he forgets about his own clothes. His fingers move swiftly down the front, releasing the buttons then pulling out his shirt tails. He removed his cuff links, sat them in his tray and sat next to her to take care of his shoes before finishing up. He sighed heavily.

"I wish I knew how to help you overcome this, Anna. You've done so much over the years to help me and heal my unseen wounds. I can't seem to do that for you and it breaks my heart. I would tear the heart out of my chest and give it to you if it would help. I don't know what to do."

He felt her arms go around him and wrap him in comfort. She was a balm to his troubled soul.

"You have and do help me. Every day, John. Even when I'm cross with you, I still need you."

He stood up and turned to face her.

"But what happens when you don't?!"

"When I don't what?"

His voice dropped to a whisper.

"When you don't need me anymore."

He couldn't look at her. He was supposed to be strong for her and support her, but instead he was confessing his weakness. He felt her gaze upon him and reluctantly met it with his own.

"Why do you say that?"

"Oh Anna, you are such a strong and brave woman. So much stronger than me. You've been through so much and yet you never once turned to alcohol to drown out your pain. It's only a matter of time until you won't have the nightmares or episodes anymore. It's only a matter of time until…"

John trailed off, finding he couldn't finish the sentence. The thought of her healing enough to be more herself was what he wanted more than anything, but he couldn't shake the notion that as her independence returned her need for him would diminish. He sat on the bed again, giving his leg a rest.

"Until what John?"

"Until you don't need me anymore. Until you don't want me anymore."

He felt her move off the bed and held her gaze as she stood before him.

"Where's this coming from, John? Why would you think I won't want you? Won't want to be with you?"

"I'm so proud of you, Anna. You've come so far and are getting stronger each day. It seems that you are also growing more impatient and frustrated with me each day. I feel like I'm being torn in half. I love you with all my heart. You know this. And it is this depth of love that is making me desperate to keep you and at the same time making me want to let you go before I hurt or damage you any further. So you can find the happiness I want for you. The happiness you deserve. I've made and learned from a lot of mistakes in my life and I won't stand by and watch a woman I love fall apart because I make her unhappy."

John heaved in a breath and shuddered as he let it out. The silence between them lingered as neither of them seemed to know what to say. At the seconds ticked by, John slowly realized that Anna may be coming to the same conclusion as he was. That he could no longer make her happy. John's head snapped up when he heard his name.

"John. You are everything to me. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I will not and cannot live in this world without you again. I can't. I know that what you are thinking and feeling is justified. I know that my behavior toward you is getting worse when it does manifest. But what you have to know that the fault is mine, not yours. I have known since this happened that I no longer deserve your love. Not because of the incident, but because of how carelessly that I treated you. I've confessed this to you and in your graciousness you haven't held it against me. But I can't let it go. The guilt. The pain. The shame. It lingers. When I was confronted by Mrs. Hughes, she picked up on it and I had to face it, to own it in front of someone who wasn't going to just dismiss it. I think these feelings create a similar problem inside of me where I try to push you away and yet I try desperately to keep you from leaving."

He studied her as she stopped and tried to compose her thoughts. He would've given anything to spare her from the demons that have hounded him for so long. He knew all too well the damage that could be done by the guilt. He wrapped his arms around her and rested his head against her torso as she held him.

"I honestly have no idea what to do to fix this. There's very little time to ourselves with our work schedules and your trips with Lord Grantham."

He pulled back and looked up at her. Now was the time to bring up what happened in London, but he was apprehensive. They've managed to have a fairly good evening thus far and he didn't want to ruin it.

"I think I may have an answer to our dilemma, but we need to talk about London first."

John cringed inwardly as he saw Anna's countenance change. He quickly put two fingers to her lips before she could say anything and held her gaze.

"I can see you're scared and upset. Please, Anna, hear me out before you say anything. Let me share with you what happened during my time in London."

She startled when he stopped her from saying anything and he saw her anger give way to curiosity once he asked her to listen.

He stood to finish his washing up and began his story.

DA – DA - DA

Anna was startled when John put his fingers to her mouth. This was the first time that he actually intervened directly to stop her from saying something nasty to him. To be honest, she was glad that he did. It was time that he took a stand for himself.

She smiled as she watched him finish changing and wash up.

"Originally, the trip to London was supposed to be a business meeting for Lord Grantham, but I found out upon our arrival that he had cancelled the business meeting. I was surprised and a bit scared to learn that he had changed his plans and arranged for us to have a private breakfast and a chat."

He stopped for a moment to take care of necessities, so she thought about what could be so important that he would cancel his plans for John. She knew he wasn't promoted or fired, because he would have told her straightaway. She wondered if he was reprimanded for not completing his duties to standard. She hadn't heard any talking about his job performance, but it wouldn't be too farfetched to think that the Earl would do this away from the house as a courtesy to him. Especially after overriding Carson's wishes to fire him. The lack of sleep, extra work at home and constant tending to her needs and whims have taken a toll on him. Perhaps it has also affected his job.

He came out and joined her in the bed, facing her and holding her hand between them.

"I slept reasonably well, despite the uncertainty and the injuries old and new. In the morning, I found your letter. I am so sorry that you have such dark thoughts and feelings. That you would now understand me so much better. I didn't ever want that for you."

She nodded, knowing there really wasn't anything else to be said.

"That said, it still astonishes me to hear your perceptions of me. That you would speak so highly of me is flattering and gratifying. I am grateful that I can be at least some of what you want and need. Thank you for sharing your mind with me. To know you still trust me with the good and the bad is a blessing. We will talk more on this later, but I need to get through this so that I can share with you my proposal."

She leaned forward and kissed him.

"Now, so captivated by your words was I that I missed the 9am meeting with His Lordship."

She gasped. John was rarely late and now the fears that he was reprimanded loomed large in her mind.

"You didn't! What did he say?"

"He knocked on my door, actually. Imagine my surprise when I opened the door to find the Earl. Beyond that he was concerned that it was my back that kept me from keeping the meeting. I was so flustered and confused, I just followed him back to his room."

She put her hand over her mouth and giggled at the image of John in her mind.

"But how did he know about your back?"

"I had no idea at the time. When he started to push his food around, I finally just asked him if he required my resignation. I couldn't fathom why he would cancel his own meeting to talk to me."

"I was wondering if he was going to reprimand you. I know that if you were fired or promoted you would've told me right away."

"Indeed, I would have done. But it was nothing of the sort. He saw and overheard what happened the day we left and you ran into me."

She cringed and blushed at the thought the Earl had seen her in such a state.

"Oh no. It is a bit embarrassing that he witnessed that moment of all things."

"It is, but it finally set my mind at ease that my job and our future security wasn't in jeopardy. It did, however, make the rest of our time together rather uncomfortable and awkward at times. It seems that Robert wanted to know what had been burdening me for these past months."

Anna raised her eyebrows at the informal reference to the Earl.

"In addition, he wanted to re-establish our friendship on an even level. He's been calling me John ever since. Even back here. It's a bit surreal after being called by my last name for so many years."

Anna had an idea of what was coming. One part of her was happy for him that the Earl cared enough to inquire. The other was teetering on being upset at what is surely going to be the story of how yet another person knows of her ordeal. She wasn't going to make him feel guilty about this. She scolded herself in her mind - No Anna Bates! You must not be angry with him! Not because he was finally able to confide in his friend. You will take it with grace and you will not lash out at him! -

She watched him as he shifted to stretch his leg and stall his tale. She could feel the apprehension he felt and saw it in his body language. This was a chance for her to treat him properly. He had stopped her words earlier. Now it was her turn to control what she said and how she said it.

"Of course he would have questions. There's been gossip for months. There's no telling what O'Brien was telling Her Ladyship. Anyone who knew you could tell that you weren't sleeping or eating properly, no matter how well you tried to hide it. I'm surprised that it took this long, all things considered. I'm assuming you told him what happened to me."

John nodded reluctantly and cast his eyes to their joined hands.

"John, please look at me."

Once she had his attention, she continued.

"It's ok. A part of me wants to be angry, but I can't be mad at the Earl for caring about you and I won't be mad at you for confiding in your friend. I trust your judgment in all things. It will be a bit awkward to know that he knows, but not as much some other things that have happened recently. I can see that being able to do so has helped you a great deal."

She smiled and went into his embrace when he beckoned. This is how it was supposed to be. Him supporting her and her supporting him.

"I know that this is difficult for you and I appreciate your willingness to support this development."

He pulled back a bit and she knew by the look on his face that there was more he needed to share.

"In our conversation, our past run-ins with Barrow and O'Brien came up. He had no idea that they had it in for me."

"Of course he didn't. You'd never say anything about it."

They both chuckled.

"As you know, when one is married there are times that a man or a woman must break a vow of secrecy with another to their spouse. I have a feeling that Robert will have to tell our tale, in part, to Cora. I know that he will make sure it doesn't get back to O'Brien or anyone else. But he will need to explain it because of what he is preparing to do for us."

"I'm not sure I understand, John."

"It will become clear. When I left for London, after our latest misunderstanding, I was very near my breaking point. The sleepless nights, your unpredictable moods and reactions, the worries and guilt, the extra work, the worsening pain in my leg and the work at home that isn't getting done was all getting to be too much. Add to that your anger at me for asking after your welfare and then the injury to my back after the confusion over my packed bag and it was all I could take. Had Robert not intervened when he did, I don't know what would've happened. He saw this and after our talk he wanted to do three things for us. First is he wanted to speak with us, Carson and Mrs. Hughes in the near future about how we can keep the female staff safer when strangers are in the house."Her heart broke a little at his confession. She hadn't realized that he was at his limit, but there was nothing to be done about it at the moment. She nodded for him to continue.

"The second thing he wants to do is for you. He would like you to see a doctor of your choice to make sure no lasting damage was done to you. He and I have both seen women in Africa who were raped and some of them were no longer able to bear children. If you didn't want to see the local doctor, he will arrange for someone out of the area."

She didn't know how to feel about that. They would have to speak more about it later when she's had time to think about it.

"Ok. I'll need to think about that one before making a decision."

"I told him as much."

She watched as John turned to reach for an envelope he placed on the side table. He shifted his pillows and sat up against the headboard. She sat up and faced him.

"What is the third one, John?"

"I think I will let him tell you that in his words."

He held out the envelope to her.

"Surely this isn't for me?"

"It is. He thought it might help to persuade you. Robert thinks very highly of you Anna. Even more so after he got to know you better when you went to him to save my job and working tirelessly whilst I was in that horrid prison.

"I don't know quite what to say."

"Don't say anything. Read the letter."

"But John, I can't."

"Of course you can! It's not a bad thing, Anna. It's a most generous offer."

Anna took the envelope and looked at the writing on the outside and how it differed from John's hand. She ran her fingers over the fine parchment paper and turned it over, carefully opening the formal wax seal. She shifted over next to him, holding it so that they both could read it.

 _Anna,_

 _Please accept my deepest apologies for what happened to you in my home. That he was allowed to come back even once after what happened is unforgivable, but I am unable to change the past._

 _I have always held you in high regard as a valued member of our staff. Your character, loyalty and work ethic are impeccable. I have also learned that you are tenacious, strong and wise beyond your years. Your steadfast loyalty to John in the worst of times is a testament of your love for him, just as his steadfast loyalty to you has been._

 _I have known John for nigh on 30 years and I know that he has not had an easy life. He entered a bad marriage, went to war, came home injured and fought another war on his home front. Alcohol and abuse from his wife, on top of everything else, left him bereft of life, love and joy. Anna, I must confess that I found him in this state when I returned from Africa and I did nothing. I never went back or reached out to him after the brief time I spent with him, so imagine my shock when I received a letter from him inquiring about employment. It was partly guilt and shame for not helping him through some of his worst times that motivated me to hire him. I also wanted someone I liked and trusted._

 _You and I both know that this correspondence is an odd business, but I have my reasons. As I've just recounted, I have been witness to John's suffering in the past and failed to act. I have witnessed his suffering of late and I decided it was time for me to intervene. We both know how private a man John is and he guards your privacy as well. Until I cornered him in London, he had not said a word or spoken a complaint to me. I have watched him for months bowing under the weight of the burdens he carries. Witnessing the fallout of the misunderstanding I inadvertently caused was the last straw. I could no longer stand by and do nothing. The man saved my life and got a permanent injury for his effort. It was the least I could do._

 _Which brings me to my purpose. After hearing John recount the basics of what happened and the aftermath, he confessed his own state of mind. He spoke of his fears and weaknesses. His feelings of personal failure and his concern that he is doing you more harm than good. Most of all, though, he is exhausted and it's obviously affecting his perceptions and his state of mind. I'm sure that you share many of same feelings as neither of you have had time to process or heal having worked steadily through it all._

 _As a result, I would like to give the both of you 6 weeks off paid leave. I have begun to make arrangements for you to visit John's hometown and other sites in Ireland for the month. You will then have 2 weeks at home to get settled in before returning to work. Everything will be taken care of, including transportation and lodging. When I proposed this idea to John, he said he couldn't make the decision without your input. More than that, though, I know he was torn between feeling that it was too much to accept and knowing how badly you need the time away. I'm sure you feel the same, but before rushing to judgement consider the following._

 _John and I grew up differently. His family, while not dirt poor, was like many where it was tough to make ends meet. In the absence of wealth, it was the intangible things that were the most valuable. Things like friendship, family, community and loyalty. In my own experience, it was the opposite. Money and things were plentiful and unappreciated, having not seen how people without the basics must struggle to survive. What was lacking were things like friendship and loyalty. Things I had never really experienced before I met John. Things that became more valuable to me than money. I hope that you will allow me to do this for the pair of you, for the friendship and loyalty he has shown me over the years is worth far more than anything money can buy. If not for you, consider it for his benefit._

 _Should you both choose to accept my offer, you may leave as soon as the arrangements are complete, which should be about a week. If you don't, please know that I will not hold it against either of you. I can't say I won't be disappointed, but I understand it will be a joint decision and that it can be difficult to accept something that seems so extravagant and normally out of your reach._

 _One last thing. Mr. Carson and Mrs. Hughes are aware of this trip, but we agreed that it would be best to keep the staff unaware. They will be told that you both are taking leave to care for personal matters for your family, if you agree. All I ask of you is to really consider both the trip and at the very least the doctor's visit. After what John and I saw in Africa with women who were brutalized by men, I know that it would put his mind at ease to know that there are no lasting, untreated medical complications._

 _I appreciate you taking the time to read this and wish you both well, no matter your decision. I've never seen John happy in his personal life until he shared it with you. You two are a good match and strong enough to make it through even this horrible event._

 _Sincerely,_

 _Robert_

Anna was completely stunned. The enormity of the offer was shocking and disconcerting, but the very idea that an Earl would take notice of her was humbling. She looked at John who didn't seem surprised at the contents of the letter.

"You knew what His Lordship wrote?"

"Yes, he told me the basics. He offered it to me unsealed so I could read it if I chose."

Her brow furrowed as she processed his words.

"But it was closed with his seal in wax. Why?"

She noticed him shift a bit and saw that he was uncomfortable.

"Because I asked him to. After being accused of spying on you, I didn't want to hand you an unsealed envelope even though I had no intention of reading it."

It was her turn to shift uncomfortably.

"I'm sorry you felt as if you had to do that. I know why and I'd love to say that you didn't have to, but it's probably for the best. I don't want our lives to be like this."

"Nor do I. There's more to discuss, but I would like to wait until this weekend, when we have more time. I would also like you to have some time to consider everything Robert has offered. I know that it's overwhelming. "

"It seems we have some decisions to make, but I agree. I need some time to try and comprehend it all."

She set the letter on the side table and slid up under the covers waiting for John to take care of the clothes and candles. She heard him rustle about the room as she let her mind wander over everything John had told her. Most of it could wait, but she wanted to discuss one more thing with John before they yielded to the call of slumber. She felt the bed dip as he settled on the edge. She reached out and grasped his hand, interlacing their fingers and squeezing gently to get his attention.

"John, what's wrong?"

She heard him sigh as he seemed to brace himself for what's coming. It shouldn't be this difficult between them. She scooted closer to him, brought his hand to her lips and brushed a kiss to it.

"I know I said I'd give you time, but indulge me a moment, please. When you were brutalized…"

She cringed as he stopped on the word. He didn't normally use words of that nature. Neither of them did, which is why it was startling to hear such a direct reference. She knew that he was probably aware of her reaction and paused to soften the blow and a bit.

"When you were raped and beaten that night, am I correct in my assumption that you never saw Dr. Clarkson between then and now?"

She nodded. It seemed they were of one mind tonight. She was going to ask him about the visit to the doctor.

"I was just going to ask you what you wanted me to do, John. The last thing I want to do is relive that night by recounting it to yet another person, but what Lord Grantham mentioned in the letter concerned me."

"Which part?"

"Near the end, where he said it would put your mind at ease."

"What about it?"

"Does it bother you still? The fact that I haven't seen a doctor, I mean. And what he said about other women, who aren't able to have children anymore. Is that why you think it hasn't happened for us?"

She tugged at his hand, signaling she wanted him to lay down with her. She wanted to see his face when he spoke.

"I would be lying if I said it didn't. I learned enough about first aid to know that the ribs, cuts and bruises would heal. But I often wondered about the unseen damages, to the inside of your body and organs. Usually that kind of damage is the result of attacks far more brutal than yours, but it's always been a concern I've had."

She felt something inside her shift when he mentioned other attacks. In her mind, she had thought she had endured the worst of what could happen. It made her shudder to think of what could possibly be worse. More men? More blows? Weapons?

"Anna, please. Don't try to imagine the worst. What you went through was bad enough. All I'm trying to say is that it would set my mind at ease to know."

She felt his hand cupping her cheek and shook her head slightly as she tried to shut down her current train of thought.

"Ok, John. It would also set my mind at ease to know for sure. I haven't wanted to explain myself again, but more than that I was…I am afraid of what a doctor would find."

"We'll do this together, my love. Now would you feel comfortable with Dr. Clarkson or would you prefer someone removed from Downton?"

She considered the question carefully. There was no good answer, just one that is not as bad as the other.

"While I would like to pick a doctor away from here, I trust Dr. Clarkson and he's cared for me since I came to work here. I can't imagine having to tell someone I don't know at all."

"I will speak to Robert tomorrow and we'll make arrangements for him to come here so no one has to know. If he feels you need to go to his office or a hospital, we can take care of that when we have our time off."

She felt tears come to her eyes as she looked at him. All she saw from him was love and concern.

"Hold me, John. Tell me this is almost over and we can put it behind us."

"Just a bit longer, my Anna."

She fell asleep in John's arms, longing for the unburdened days of their past.

TBC


	21. Chapter 21

AN: Here is the next installment. Only a few more chapters to go for our couple. Enjoy!

Ch. 21

Lord Grantham had allowed an extra half day for Anna and John to see Dr. Clarkson. He was gracious enough to come to their home, so they could do this privately. She didn't want anyone to overhear her story and certainly didn't want to answer questions about why she was seeing the doctor. She told him everything. A very detailed account of the attack, why she didn't allow anyone to call for him, her nightmares, mood swings, numbness, her surly reactions to John, her crying spells, and the fact that they had resumed intimate relations. She left nothing out, hoping he would tell her when these things would go away.

"Anna, I'm very sorry that you had to endure such an attack. While I haven't encountered a great number of these types of cases, I do have some firsthand experience with women who have also endured similar attacks, some much worse than yours and some that didn't quite cross the line into rape. In all these cases, each outcome was different depending on the person, their friends and family, the severity of the attack and other factors both physical and mental."

She squeezed John's hand waiting for Dr. Clarkson to speak to her health. She didn't want to hope for the news to be good so she wouldn't be disappointed, but they had been through enough for several lifetimes. She needed this to be good news. They both did.

"First, let me set your minds at ease. From what you described to me, there was nothing in the attack that put your physical ability to bear children at risk. Had there been more than one attacker, blows or kicks to your stomach, or penetration with a foreign object I would recommend that you go to the hospital in London for tests. Given the rather straightforward incident as you described, while painful and scarring in many ways, there is no reason to worry of long term damage. I would rather you had seen me right after it happened, but it isn't unusual for the victims to delay or avoid seeing a doctor altogether."

They both let out sighs of relief. Anna tried to keep her tears at bay, but she couldn't. She took John's handkerchief from his hand and tried to compose herself.

"Second, I'm sorry to say that there is no one in this area that could help you deal with the emotional trauma. I do know of a doctor in London who does work with women who have been attacked. I will leave you his contact information and you can take some time to consider whether you would want to talk to him. All women are forever changed by what happened to them. Some, much like soldiers coming back from war, have nightmares and flashbacks. Some can no longer have children, as we have discussed, because of their injuries. Some can't have children because they can no longer handle being intimate with a man. There is no timeframe or formula for recovery. There is a possibility that he may be able to help you."

She thought about this other doctor. If their time off didn't fix things between her and John, she would want to see if the doctor could help. Her reactions and snapping at John was harming their relationship and she owed it to him and herself to try everything. She would talk to John later.

"If I may, I would like to share one more thing with you both. Out of all the cases I have seen, I have never encountered one where there has been so much improvement without professional guidance. And I have never seen one where the marriage survived the aftermath of the attack. To be candid, most men whose spouses are raped either blame the woman or can't handle the changes in their spouse. Every case I have seen where a wife has been attacked has ended in divorce or abandonment. The fact that you and John are still together, sexually intimate and working together to move past this is incredible. I can tell that you are frustrated, Anna, but you must understand that you have come so far in your healing process. Don't give up on yourself. Healing takes time and patience. Just like physical injuries, emotional injuries take time and you will often have setbacks or no changes between times where progress is made."

Anna didn't quite know what to say. Fortunately, John stood up and thanked Dr. Clarkson for making the special trip out and for all the information.

"You're welcome. And John, don't sell yourself short in all this. I can tell that you have played a tremendous role in Anna's recovery. Here you are, by her side supporting her nearly a year later, having never left her, never blamed her for what happened. She didn't have to say it, John. Everything she said and didn't say here today tells the story of your support, encouragement, care and love. The love you two have for one another is quite remarkable."

John stood in shock as Dr. Clarkson left their home. Anna expected the doctor to give them insight on her health, but the information and encouragement on their progress was unexpected. She went over to him and slipped her hand in his.

"He's right John. Your support and care is a large part of the reason I am where I am today. I don't know how I would've managed without you."

He turned toward her and pulled her into his arms.

"I love you, Anna."

DA – DA - DA

The week leading up to their departure was a whirlwind of activity for them. They had to pack, prepare the cottage and work from dawn to well into the evening every night. Anna, after two nasty and hurtful comments toward John, decided to speak only when necessary. While not ideal, they had no time to spare for needless arguments. John seemed upset by her silence, but he continued on knowing that relief for them both was only days away.

And thus it continued until they were at the train station on a foggy morning bidding farewell to Yorkshire for the next 4 weeks. Anna sat on the bench while John organized the loading of their luggage. She thought back to her conversation with Lady Mary a few days before their departure. She had John ask Lord Grantham for permission to tell Lady Mary, given all the support from her during the ordeal and their close bond. He agreed and she told Lady Mary of the trip, the letter and some of troubles she had been having. At first she seemed upset, but after reading the letter and hearing of their continued difficulties, she hugged Anna and wished her well on her trip.

Finally, John came and got her from the bench and they boarded the train. They were quite happy to be alone on the car given the early departure time. She climbed up the stairs and moved to where he directed her, sliding into her seat by the window. She felt him settle next to her and sighed deeply, regretting the way she had been treating him the past week. She didn't recognize herself anymore. In the past, no matter how much pressure they were under, they went to one another for a moment of relief. Small touches, sly grins and quiet moments that would relieve the tension and ground them in their love. This past week, all the tension made her increasingly out of sorts and she lashed out at him because she couldn't and wouldn't embarrass herself, John or His Lordship by letting it loose at work. John's cough beside her brought her focus back to the train.

"John? Are you alright?"

"It's nothing, love, just getting over a cold."

Anna's heart sank as the realization that she didn't know he was sick set in. During the past couple of months things have gotten so much better and now this.

"Anna. Look at me."

She brought her eyes reluctantly up to his.

"We are on the verge of a fresh start for us. Leave what's bothering you behind us and just look forward, starting right now. Imagine all your doubts, worries, guilt, anger and sadness are dead leaves upon a tree. The clouds hang heavy with water in the sky and the rain pours down. The tree bows under the weight of the now soaked dead leaves and broken branches. Then a fierce wind blows across the field and begins to push the raid clouds away. The leaves and branches are being swept away by the rush of wind. Gradually the sun begins to shine as the clouds dissolve into the blue sky. The golden light makes the tree shimmer as it hits the small droplets of rain left on the green, healthy leaves that remain. Imagine all that is happy and wonderful in your life past and present are all that remain on the tree. Can you see it, Anna?"

Anna closed her eyes and let John's words echo in her mind. As he spoke all other sounds were silenced and John's voice was the only thing she heard. Suddenly she was in a field. A tree stood before her, the only tree in sight for miles. The tree was covered in black leaves and had knotted, twisted branches some of which were dangling broken and devoid of life. The sunlight dimmed as the clouds built up and turned black. An angry rain started its assault on the earth below. Little puffs of black explode as the drops of rain hit the dead leaves. The tree limbs sag under the weight of the water. She hears a roar as a great wind comes in, hurtling all that is dead or dangling from the tree across the field and out of sight. She marvels at the ferocity of what's happening before her. Finally the wind dies down and the sun breaks above the clouds. She puts her arm up to block the rays as she blinks trying to adjust to the change in light. Before her eyes the tree changes. It stands tall and proud in the field, completely covered in green leaves, sparkling. She can hear birds singing and see squirrels running along the branches. Flowers appear amongst the leaves and stretch their petals out, basking in the sunlight. The image faded as the sounds of the train brought her out of the daydream.

A tear slipped down her cheek as she felt the weight of her burdens lift from her shoulders. She was there, in that field watching all of her problems be washed and swept away. For the first time in a very long time Anna felt normal. Even if it didn't last, she felt light, carefree, and happy even.

She watched his eyes twinkle as he looked to her for an answer.

"I saw it John, as clear as I see you now. Just as you described. It's odd, but I feel different now. Like a heaviness or burden is gone."

He nodded as the smile bloomed on his face only to be cut short by a coughing fit.

"Sorry. I'm glad you feel better, my love."

"I do, thank you. You sound awful though. Why don't you try to sleep for a while? It will be an hour at least before we have to change trains."

She watched him nod and yawn, looking a little pale. He held out his arm for her to tuck into his side. She obliged him gladly and watched as the countryside rolled by. It was a good, but very strange feeling to know she wouldn't have to go to work for the foreseeable future. She had been working since she was in her early teens and had never really been on a proper holiday outside of work. She let her mind drift away to the field with her special tree, secure in her husband's arms.

TBC


	22. Chapter 22

AN: Thanks for sticking with me on this journey. John and Anna are finally healing. :)

Ch. 22

Their journey finally came to an end and both of them collapsed on the couch after dropping their bags by the door. They were in John's childhood home. It was used as a guest house normally, but when John sent word they would be visiting it was offered to them.

"You know what this reminds me of, John?"

John looked at Anna, who seemed to be at peace for the moment, and smiled.

"The time we broke the settee in the cottage?"

Her soft giggle in response to his answer was music to his ears. While she had come back to herself in some ways, the carefree laughter was still missing for the most part.

"Yes, although we have much more free time on our hands than a long weekend, husband."

He delighted in her easy manner. His grin widened as he realized for the first time in their marriage, they had time to themselves outside the shadow of the Abbey. Far enough away where they can't be interrupted by visitors or the occasional we need you even though it's your day off. Well and truly alone with no one to answer to for weeks. No visual reminders of the torment they have suffered. No boot room.

"John…?"

He was brought out of his thoughts by his lovely wife, now seated on his lap.

"I was thinking about what you said. Our free time. That it will be free of all the visual reminders and ghosts that lurk in the Abbey. The boot room. The bottom of the stairs. The servants' hall. Our home. You can be free of them. Free of the past. Free to heal. Free to replace bad memories with good. Free to forget for a while."

He felt Anna's arms encircle his neck and watched as her emotions danced across her face.

"I'm surprised that you told me that."

"Anna. This time is a gift for us. A miracle. Not to be wasted. I have spent so much time trying to protect you from my thoughts because there was simply so much other stress in your life that I didn't want to burden you. But now we have nothing else pressing down upon us. I can share my thoughts and be right here to talk and comfort and tease and be anything and everything you need in the moment. I will not censor my thoughts, good or bad, and I hope that you feel comfortable enough to do the same."

She leaned forward and kissed him, taking her time. He felt her lips trail down his cheek and neck, nipping and tasting, raising the hair on the back of his neck. He leaned his head back a bit to let her have her way, humming his approval. He was so grateful for her in his life.

"There was a time where you wouldn't even have to ask, but I will try John. I promise."

"I know you will. You're making it very difficult to think, my darling."

He released a long breath as he felt her fingers undoing his shirt and questing through the hair on his chest beneath his undershirt.

"I don't want you to think, John. I want you to feel."

"I am. I do. I want you Anna."

John watched her as she got up from his lap and swiftly undid her clothes. Her nipples peaked from the cool air, she approached him and pulled him to his feet. She divested him of his clothes as well, then pulled him along to find the nearest bedroom. He stopped in the doorway as she flopped on the bed and pushed up to the headboard, sprawled out and waiting for him. His eyes roamed along the planes and curves of her form, taking in the feminine shape before him. He approached the bed without haste, knowing they had all the time in the world.

"You are a lovely creature, my dear. I just don't know where to start. Have you any ideas?"

He settled on the edge of the bed to take the pressure off his knee and was surprised when Anna pulled him backwards and kissed him passionately. He spoke when she finally broke apart from him.

"I like the way you think, my naughty girl.

He maneuvered himself to the middle of the bed and lay next to her, sharing kisses with her as she moved with him. He tried to roll her on top of him but she wasn't having it. He questioned her silently with a look.

"I love being on top of you, John, but that's not what I want right now. I want you on top of me."

The grin faded from his face as he heard her request. He had successfully avoided this position thus far. The added strain on his leg for the past year made this an easy excuse to avoid the one thing he feared doing with her. Torn between denying her for his own fears and not wanting to refuse her anything, he just gazed into her eyes.

DA – DA – DA

Anna watched her husband's grin disappear and realized that her hunch was correct. Since they reclaimed their sexual intimacy, John has avoided the traditional position. The first time he admitted he didn't want to put her in the same position as Green did, but as time went on he seemed just to prefer it because of his leg. They both knew the added strain over the past year had taken a toll on it and she thought nothing more of it when he had playfully flattered her into doing what he wanted. Although it had never caused an argument, it was a barrier between them nonetheless.

After John had admitted his dark thoughts earlier without hesitation, she realized he was right. Everything must come out. No more shields. No more holding back. No more barriers. They had come a long way since she confronted him in his torment in the dark and cold of night. They had been honest with one another, but she knew there were still times that they held back, they hid their feelings out of self-preservation.

"What's wrong, John?"

She watched him carefully as he gazed at her. She could see him struggle with her request.

"You know I would do almost anything for you. I trust you to know what you want and to tell me those things. I've tried my best to fulfill every want or need that you had."

She nodded. Their courtship and marriage have been full of tribulations, but they have done their best to please one another.

"I'm scared Anna. The first time we were intimate, I told you that I didn't think I could manage doing the traditional position. I said that because at the time I didn't want to risk setting you back, which was entirely true. But I'm also scared. Scared of setting you back, yes. But scared of hurting you. Scared of being compared to him. Scared of becoming a monster in your eyes. Scared that if it does bother you, you won't want me at all anymore because I have become a source of fear. Scared that I won't be able to be in the moment with you because all I can think about is what he did and how I am doing the same…"

Anna shook her head. She had guessed his thoughts about hurting her and setting back her progress, but not of her transferring her fears and feelings about Green onto him.

"I understand you not wanting to hurt me, but why would I be scared of you?"

"Do you really not know the answer to that? After flinching at my every touch? Striking out at me when I tried to wake you from your nightmares by touching your shoulder? Sleeping on the edge of the bed because you couldn't bear to touch me, but your kindness wouldn't allow for me sleeping on the floor? What if what we do brings it all back and we have to start over? If that's a risk you want to take, I will gladly try and face whatever consequences by your side. If we have to start over, then I will be by your side every step of the way supporting you as I have. But is that a risk you really want to take? You are the one who will suffer the consequences more than I. I trust you. I trust your judgment. I want the best in all things for you. If this is truly what you want, then I will support you. Please, Anna. Don't do this because you think I need or want it. Don't do it to prove something to me or to yourself."

Anna knew he was right. She thought there might be some trouble if she had flashbacks, but didn't consider them in the same way John did.

"I never thought about the fact it might set me back that far or that I would fear you the way I fear him. I don't think that will happen, but I do want this barrier between us gone. But more than that, I want you that way. Wrapping my legs around you and having your weight press into me, echoing our first time together. Being able to pull you to me. Sheltered from the world by you. Clutching your back while your muscles flex beneath my fingers. Just talking about it makes me pulse with desire. We'll take it slow, but I'm willing to try. That said, if you really don't want to try at all or if we try and you still aren't comfortable, then I can accept that. I want you to be completely honest about it. I just want us to have everything out in the open rather than just avoiding it without discussion."

She watched John as he turned over her words in his mind. She stroked the hair on his chest, tracing lazy patterns and enjoying their intimacy. There was a quilt at the end of the bed which she hooked with her foot and struggled a bit to get them beneath it.

"You're right, I think. Regardless of whether we are able to resume this part of our relations, it does need to be discussed and decided upon openly and honestly. You're so strong and have come so very far. I'm still a bit scared, but it would be unfair to you not to even try."

"Are you absolutely sure John? You've made so many concessions for me. I am more than willing to concede this decision to you, without hesitation or resentment. If you don't want to or can't, I understand."

"I appreciate that, but I want to try for you. Especially, since it's borne of desire."

She smiled. He was always so willing to fulfill her desires, especially in the bedroom. But what if doing this created more problems for him? Was it worth hurting him for her selfish desires? As the doubts and questions surfaced she became less certain.

"I don't want to bring more suffering upon you just because I'm being selfish. Maybe we should wait…"

"Anna. It's not selfish. We'll take is slow and see what happens."

"Despite what I said, it doesn't have to be right now."

Anna tried to let John off the hook, but he wasn't having it. He nudged her over onto her back and kissed her, mapping her body with his mouth. Desire pooled in her core and lit her body on fire. His mouth was on her breast as she felt him move over her to straddle her left leg. He hovered over her left side, not fully covering her or pressing his weight upon her. She looked at him and he brought his eyes to meet hers. She nodded, wanting him above her.

"Are you sure, Anna?"

"Yes, John. Please."

He leaned down to kiss her and shift his body so that he hovered over her. She wrapped her legs around him and pulled him down to her. As his pelvis and legs settled upon her, he held the bulk of his weight off of her by resting on his forearms. He shifted as she reached down to line him up with her center. She gasped as he pushed into her, coming full circle. He let some of his weight come upon her and she froze. Flashes of the boot room came to mind as she felt more of his weight upon her. He must have sensed the change in her as she heard him call her name. She let out the breath she was holding.

"Don't move yet, John."

She saw the concern in his eyes as she tried to focus her mind on their good memories, rather than the bad ones. She called to mind their wedding night. How nervous they both were. How her body was flooded with desire and fear, anticipation and nervousness, relief and tension. How right it felt to wrap her legs around him as he showed her what her body had been craving for so long. The hesitation she felt was replaced by desire for her husband.

"Now John. Take me like you did on our wedding night."

She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him to her. She kissed him deeply and signaled him to thrust into her.

"It's ok now. I'll let you know if I want you to stop."

Once he heard her reassurance he started to move, rocking tentatively and watching to make sure she was ok. He was always so vigilant, so considerate of her feelings even before the incident. Her love for him washed over her and she was overcome by the sensations he was creating, her love and the memories of their wedding night intermingling with their passion. As she came down from her high, she registered his lips trailing down her neck and his words whispered along her skin. He started to thrust again, this time with more determined strokes. She tugged on his hair as he started to reach his own climax, knowing that would spur him on. As he finished, he pulled back to look at her.

"Are you ok, Anna?"

"More than ok, love."

She sighed as he separated from her and went in search of something to clean them with. He limped back to the bed and took care of the slight mess from their exertions. After tossing the flannel aside, he slid into the bed next to her and brushed her hair back from her face.

"What happened?"

She smiled at him. She was pleased that he tried for her. She was pleased that he trusted her enough to follow her lead rather than overreact to the situation. She was pleased that he seemed to want to talk. She needed to know how what happened affected him as much as he needed to know what happened.

"I was fine until your upper body started to press down on me. I had several images from the boot room flash through my mind and I asked you to be still. I wanted to see if I could move beyond it or not. I forced myself to think of our wedding night and the spell was broken. My body and mind were taken back to that exquisite night when you taught me what it was to be married. Thank you for trusting me, John."

"I was afraid that would happen. Had it been left up to me, we would not have finished in the same manner. Fortunately, the position didn't bother me in the way I had thought it would. I'm sorry that it bothered you. If you don't want to do that anymore, we don't have to."

"I'm sure that in time it won't be a bother at all, but I will let you know if I change my mind. I love you John."

"And I love you Anna – however, whenever, whatever – until death do us part."

She shuffled closer to him, content to listen to his slightly labored breathing and let him rest as her mind wandered through the past few days. What a difference the change in location had made for them both. Even with his illness, she could tell that his emotional burden has lessened significantly. It was in his eyes, his voice and his demeanor. To her great relief, she hadn't snapped at him yet either. While they had only arrived a couple hours ago, hope began to bloom in her heart. Hope for their marriage. Hope for their healing. Hope for their friendship. Hope.

TBC


	23. Chapter 23

AN: Here is the next installment. One more chapter to go after this one, then a short Epilogue. Thanks!

Ch. 23

The days stretched slowly into weeks. John had taken Anna to all the places he remembered fondly as a boy and a young man before they moved away. The home where he was born, the hills where he played, the old ruins where he and a few mates would hold secret meetings and the tree under which he stole his first kiss from his classmate Saoirse when they were 11. He regaled her with the happy stories of his youth. Listened as she told him of her own adventures as a youngster on a farm in Yorkshire. They talked about everything, much like the early days of their marriage after John's return home. They were free to say and do whatever they wanted, then and now.

John looked down at Anna by his side as they strolled through the green field near the cottage where they were staying. The rain had stopped and the setting sun shone upon the land, making the drops still clinging to the blades of grass sparkle. She had commented on the beauty of the sight so he had turned to her. Her hair was flowing freely in the breeze and the happiness upon her face was unmistakable. The vision of her took his breath away. He had stopped walking and just marveled at her. Realizing he was no longer in step with her she turned and fixed her gaze on him.

"John?"

Stunned into silence, he breathed her name as he took in her appearance. It was as if the burdens of the past year had vanished. True joy was all about her, like a faerie from one of his mother's tales. She walked toward him, confused but still smiling at him. Her hand reached out and trailed down his forearm to grasp his hand.

"What is it, John?"

"It's you, my love. You are stunning. Amazing. Marvelous, even. How did I ever get so lucky?"

He smiled at her, knowing she would be pleased with his praise.

"Silly beggar, I'm the one who is lucky. You make me so happy."

Anna's comment caught him off guard. She had not spoken those words freely since the incident. She had told him several times over the past year, but only in moments of distress or in the written word. Every time he had questioned the truth of her words since her actions didn't match her words. This time was different. She was happy. She was with him. She had spoken them with joy.

"Oh Anna, I'm so glad."

He pulled her close and kissed her deeply.

"You, my darling Anna, are my happiness. I knew nothing of being happy until you came into my life."

He held her at arm's length and just gazed at her. He wanted to commit this moment to memory. John knew that this trip would be good for Anna, but he had no idea it would heal her so thoroughly. It wouldn't be as though it never happened to her, but the trip put more distance between her and the painful past.

DA – DA – DA

It was their penultimate night in Ireland together and Anna felt a little sad at having to leave. She had fallen in love with the place where John had grown up and not just because of his fond memories. She loved the people in the villages and the rolling green hills. She felt at home here and realized that part of it was that no one knew their story. They were just Anna and John. Of course, his relatives knew of his past troubles with Vera and prison, but no one spoke of it. They were genuinely happy to see him happy and it made her heart warm to know that he had support here.

He had mentioned to her before they met up with his family that he was afraid of what they may have seen in the papers (if the news made it that far) and that they would shun him if they knew. It turns out that they had heard by the time they had arrived and held Vera to blame for all his troubles. They made no further mention of it once the basics of the story were told and they toasted John for his freedom from the witch and Anna for freeing their John.

It had been a marvelous journey and a blessing to them both. She would have to write the Earl and his wife a note of thanks. John had shared with her that Robert had to explain his plans for them to travel and why to Cora. While not given all the horrible details, she knew enough to give her blessing for the trip. Perhaps she would try to have a word with her Ladyship when they returned.

She looked at John as he lay sleeping peacefully beside her. He looked so much like a boy when sleeping with his tousled hair and relaxed expression. This trip was good for him as well. He was no longer weighed down by all the pressures of trying to maintain their relationship, their home and his work single-handedly. His demons seem to have released their hold upon him and left him alone. Her nightmares never occurred here, so they both slept well. His leg had even improved with the lazy days and frequent breaks during their exploration of Ireland.

More than just the physical healing, it was also an emotional healing for them both as well as their relationship. The joy and love of life had returned for her. She was no longer snapping at John and her mind didn't linger on the guilt or shame she was overcome by in the weeks and months after the incident. She had come to terms with what happened to her and put it behind her. This allowed her to love John as she had before, openly and joyfully. She no longer worried about whether she deserved his love. She just loved him the best she knew how and accepted his love in return. The best part of all this for her was the return of their intimacy in all things. They shared their hopes and dreams for the future. They spoke of things in the past and comforted one another. They delighted in the small moments like they had done in the past and their bond was stronger than ever.

There was one thing keeping her from sleep and that was their return to Downton. It held so many memories for them, both bad and good, and she couldn't help but wonder if it would be better for them to move away. Move somewhere like this, where they could live life without the shadow of the past hovering over them. It would be a huge step for her having only moved to the Abbey to work, then to the cottage. She wondered how John would respond to the suggestion. She wondered how she would respond to an actual move away from the only place she's ever lived since she left home. Would she be crippled by homesickness and resent the move or would she enjoy the new opportunities? She sighed, lost in thought, until she felt John move beside her.

"Are you alright, Anna?"

She turned to him and smiled at his disheveled appearance.

"Yes. Just thinking about our return to Downton. Do you remember the talks we used to have before all of these tribulations we've endured?"

"You mean the ones about a quaint hotel, little feet and a life beyond service?"

She only nodded, as she felt a melancholy rise to the surface within her.

"Of course I do. I have spent many an evening whiling away the hours by imaging those possibilities in very intricate detail. Why do you ask?"

"I've been thinking…"

She didn't know where this sadness was coming from, but she tried to get the words out. He was waiting patiently for her to continue.

"I'm a little afraid of what will happen when we return to Downton. We've been so happy here, together. So connected and in tune with one another in a way we haven't been since my attack. Intimate in and out of the bedroom. Finally made whole again. I don't want to be the woman I was when we left there."

She sighed and turned back to him, searching his eyes. She didn't know if she wanted reassurance that their return would be fine or that her fears were valid. Perhaps both or perhaps she wanted him to whisk her away, though neither of them would do that to the family that had been so supportive and generous to them.

"To be honest, it had crossed my mind even before we left. That said, I didn't want to bring that up during the trip. The trip was for us to heal and reconnect. I thought we would worry about what might happen when on the way back."

She nodded to him. It made sense not to taint the trip worrying about something out of their control.

"Since you brought it up, I do have some concerns about our return. Whether the good memories will be overshadowed by the bad. Whether the joy you have reclaimed here will be dampened by the more recent memories of darker times. Whether or not our relationship will begin to fall apart again. But, my darling, like most fears I think our imagination might be worse than reality in this case. Lord knows that's not always true, but surely we can make it through this too."

She thought about his words and the uncharacteristic optimism hidden between them. Her John has never been an optimist, but it seems that their journey through this latest hell has changed him. He is more willing to live in the moment and in his own way look toward the future. And just like that, the melancholy lifted.

"You're right, John. I'm sure it won't be as bad as all that. Regardless, I would still like to make plans to leave service and do our own thing. I don't want to spend the rest of our lives working dawn until dusk with no time to spend together. We've sacrificed and endured so much separation. Let's work out a plan and try to make a go of it. What do you say?"

She watched as one of John's toothy smiles blossomed on his face.

"Let's, Anna. Let's make plans and tote up the numbers. Let's fulfill our dreams from the very start of our time together. There's nothing I'd love more than working beside you each day."

He kissed her and pulled her into his arms.

"Now sleep my love. We must prepare for the journey home tomorrow. Sleep until you wake up natural and then we'll see about the rest of the day."

Anna smiled and snuggled further into his embrace while she waited for sleep to take her. She let her mind's eye carry her off into an imagined future for them secure in the warmth of his love.

TBC


	24. Chapter 24

AN: This is the last chapter before the epilogue. It doesn't mesh with the show, but i didn't want to torture them anymore LOL. Thanks to all of you who have been taking this journey with me.

Ch. 24

Anna sat in their garden among the fragrant blooms and enjoyed the sun's warmth upon her. It had been one year to the day since they returned to Downton from their sojourn to Ireland and their lives were about to change again. They had turned in their notice and were preparing their cottage for the move back to John's home village. Everything was done and there was only the farewell party to attend before their next journey began.

As she waited for John to return from his meeting with Robert – she thought of him that way now – she marveled at all the obstacles they had overcome in their time together. His marriage, his past, their separation, his death sentence, time in prison, and the rape. It truly was a miracle that they had come through everything with their marriage as strong as it's ever been. While John wasn't a religious man, they both recognized the blessing of their love and thanked God that they found one another.

"Anna?"

John's voice roused her from her thoughts and she looked over her shoulder to see him leaning against the door frame with a smirk upon his face. He approached her with his hand out to help her up from the bench.

"Are you ready to close this chapter of our lives, Mrs. Bates?"

A warmth spread through her at his words. She truly was eager to start this new chapter with John, despite the sadness at leaving so many wonderful people behind.

"Indeed, Mr. Bates. Shall we?"

Anna and John made their way to the house for the final time as employees. The party in their honor wasn't quite a raucous affair, but it wasn't too staid either. Everyone was relaxed and sharing stories of the past. O'Brien had moved on to another house after it became clear that Her Ladyship had changed and no longer trusted her. Thomas had also left service to pursue a career in London. Those who mattered most were in attendance and happy tears were shed as goodbyes and well wishes were made.

Anna pulled Mrs. Hughes aside and asked her to sit with her and John before she left with the others. The family had retired upstairs while John and Anna bid farewell to their friends. It was now just the three of them in the room together as the others went back downstairs.

"It seems we've come to the end of our journey together, my dear girl."

Anna smiled at the woman who was such an important part of her life for so long.

"We have indeed Mrs. Hughes."

"Please, Anna. Call me Elsie. No more formalities between us. That goes for you too, Mr. Bates."

They all laughed together at her formal address to John.

"Only if you call me John. You are welcome at our home any time you are able to visit, Elsie."

Anna smiled and nodded her agreement. The three of them had developed a deeper kinship with the housekeeper upon their return to Downton from Ireland. Once they were able to finally heal together, they found that they both wanted to share that journey with the one who had made it possible for them to get through this ordeal with her support and guidance. They began to share a meal together once a week with Mrs. Hughes and spoke of many things of the past and the future. Once the past was once again behind them, Mr. Carson became a regular visitor as his relationship with the housekeeper became public knowledge.

"I will miss you both terribly, but I promise to write. Perhaps I can persuade Charles to go on a short vacation soon. Lord knows we both could use the time away."

Anna and John each took one of her hands in theirs.

"We would love that, Elsie. Truly."

They stood together and each gave Mrs. Hughes a hug goodbye.

"I know I've said this before, Anna, but I am so proud of you. You have grown into a fine young woman and overcome so much with grace and tenacity. I must say, though, that I am also very proud of you John. The strength of character, quiet compassion and honor with which you live your life is admirable. Yet, the husband and partner you have been to Anna is exemplary. I know of no two people who are better suited to one another than the pair of you. It has been a blessing to be a part of your lives."

With that, Elsie took her leave and left a teary eyed Anna and speechless John in her wake. She felt his hand grasp her waist and pull her closer to his side as they watched her leave.

DA - DA - DA

John and Anna sat at the table, taking in the majestic room for the last time. In no hurry to move, they sat hand in hand and simply enjoyed the stillness of the once bustling room. John wrapped his arm around her shoulders, leaned in and whispered in her ear.

"This has been your home for so long. Are you sure you're ready to leave it behind? We don't have to go."

He felt her take a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"It's time. I appreciate all that has been done for me here, but our future is beyond these beautiful walls."

John kissed her head and reflected on the time he spent here. The years that passed when he was within them and the years that passed when only his love could be here. She was right. It is time to move forward and claim their future.

As they rose to leave, Carson came to them.

"Mr. Bates, a moment please."

John heard Anna excuse herself, so that he could have a word, but Carson interrupted.

"Please, Anna, stay."

John met her eyes and raised his brow, to which she replied with a slight shrug. They sat down at Carson's behest.

"Mr. Bates…"

"Please, call me John."

John felt Anna suppress a laugh as Carson cleared his throat.

"Yes, of course, John. I know that we had a rough start when you came. I didn't see beyond the cane and I'm sorry for that. Your service here has been exemplary and you are a man of honor who I hope to call my friend."

"It has been a privilege to serve under your leadership and I already consider you a friend. You and Elsie have an open invitation to visit us, Charles."

John smiled as Carson nodded and then turned his gaze upon Anna. He marveled at the change in Carson's countenance from reserved butler to a wistful man.

"You, young lady, were just a shy, scared girl when you walked into our lives. I've watched you turn into a hard working, wise young woman with strength and intellect. I wish you both the best in the journey before you."

They all stood and the men shook hands.

"One more thing. His Lordship would like to see you in the library before you go home."

"Of course. We'll make our way upstairs shortly."

Anna took his arm and they ascended the staircase slowly. John has always been amazed by how she is able to match his pace without making it feel forced or an imposition. They reminisced about their time at the house as they climbed and entered the library after announcing their arrival.

"John, Anna! Please come in and join us."

John greeted Robert and waited as Anna greeted Cora and Lady Mary, before extending his own greetings. They all sat down and got settled as Robert began to speak.

"I must say, John, it is with a heavy heart that I shall bid you and Anna farewell. You both have been without reproach in your service to my home and family and for that I thank you both. However, I and my daughter, if I may speak for her…"

Robert paused and glanced at Mary, waiting for her approval. She nodded and he continued.

"We have both had the gift of your friendship. Friendship that transcends the boundaries of man. Your loyalty, integrity and humility has taught both Mary and I about the value of a true friend. It is in this spirit that we wish you all the best as continue your journey together."

Somewhat embarrassed by the attention, they both murmured their thanks.

"Also, if it won't embarrass Anna too much, I would like to apologize for what happened to you in my home. I was horrified to find out not only what happened, but that you were subjected to additional pain and suffering by his return trips here. Thankfully, my daughter put an end to that. Please understand that we would never have let that happen had we known about it. I am pleased that you accepted my offer for the time away and that it was indeed helpful to you."

"I have often tried to think of how to thank you all for the kindness you have shown both John and I over the years. I was blessed to be in your employ and grateful that you and your family were both kind and generous. You and her Ladyship…"

"Anna, please it's Cora and Robert."

"You and Cora were such an example to me about what marriage could be like. I left my parents relatively young, but old enough to know they weren't happy together. I never wanted to be married until I observed you both. It was then I decided that maybe it could be an option with the right sort of man. So I went about my work and kept to myself, striving to learn from Mrs. Hughes and growing in my position. Then this silly beggar walked into my life and stole my heart."

They all laughed at Anna's comment and she squeezed his hand as she continued.

"I want to thank each of you. Cora for entrusting me with the care of your children, which is the highest honor a mother can bestow. I know that we haven't gotten to know one another very well, but I know that you have been supportive of me and I am grateful to you. Lady Mary, for being a true friend to me and a great support during the trials John and I have had to endure. Without you, and what you did about ridding Downton of that vile presence, I am sure that our future would be much different. You've grown into a smart, fierce and beautiful woman that I greatly admire."

Anna tearfully accepted a hug from Mary and John's handkerchief.

"Robert. You have been so kind to me, during the troubles we found ourselves in when John left, when he was imprisoned, and now with the latest incident. I know I took liberties by asking for things I shouldn't, taking too much time off and pestering you about John's status. You were so patient and kind to me which showed how much you valued and respected John. You stood by us when all hope was lost and somehow turned it all around. Then you gave us the gift of time, which healed our minds and hearts. You've done so much it's overwhelming."

Anna lost her composure and soon found herself surrounded by the Crawley's. They each gave her a hug, then the ladies hugged John also.

"It's probably presumptuous of me to say, but you have become family to us and we would love to see you if you are ever in the area."

John watched as they continued to chat with Anna, the ladies asking her about their plans in Ireland. He noticed Robert standing at the window and joined him.

"Is something wrong, Robert?"

"I'm going to miss you, John. I've always been comfortable around you, but I've come to rely on your counsel and your friendship."

"As will I. It wasn't an easy decision to make, but please know that it wasn't solely because of what happened. Anna and I want to spend more time together and unfortunately we can't do that here working dawn to late evenings. I'm grateful for everything you've done for me, for her and for us."

"Anna looks happy, my friend. Take care of her and keep in touch. I know you weren't much for writing home when we were abroad, but I'd like to hear from you."

"And I from you. It's funny, because I found plenty to write to my mother about when we were overseas, yet I had no words for Vera. I'm certain that our correspondence together will happen with ease and I look forward to it."

John met Anna's eyes across the room and knew it was time for them to leave. He took his leave with a hearty handshake and walked over to his wife. With a final goodbye, they walked hand in hand out of the room and made their way to the cottage. John had arranged a ride to the local hotel to stay the night, since all their furniture was already in transit. Opening the door to enter the cottage, they both stood just inside the doorway. In unspoken agreement, Anna went to check upstairs one last time as John did the same downstairs. Satisfied that everything was in order, they met at the foyer.

"This is it, John. The last time we will be here."

"It is."

John took her in his arms and kissed her, exiting their home the way they entered it years ago. John turned off the lights, led her out the door and took one last look before closing the door on their journey at Downton.


	25. Chapter 25

AN: We've finally reached the end of John and Anna's journey. I'm giving them a happy ending, because they were tortured enough on the show LOL. Thanks to everyone who took the time to read and especially those who reviewed along the way.

Epilogue

John relaxed beneath branches of the ash tree at the top of the hill. This was a favorite place for him and Anna to spend an afternoon in the sun with a picnic. He was waiting for her here, at her insistence, while she tended to some errands she wouldn't tell him about. Rather than worry about the secrecy, his thoughts turned to the past year and how things have changed since they left Downton.

While Anna would always have physical and emotional scars, they are no longer raw and all consuming. She hadn't had a flashback since a couple months before they left Downton and the nightmares had stopped on their first trip to Ireland. It brought joy to his heart knowing that she was happy in life once again. There were times that he thought they wouldn't make it through Anna's violation and without Robert's help there was a good chance their marriage would've fallen apart. They had made it through and were stronger for it.

After settling in for a few weeks, they began to look at their options for work. They decided on purchasing and running a small café in town. This would allow them to work together, but also have time off each day. They contemplated their original idea of a small hotel, but the idea of working the same hours they did at Downton wasn't appealing. The café allowed them to have the late afternoons and evenings off together. She had concerns about how they would be able to afford either the hotel or the café.

 _Flashback_

 _John sat with Anna at their small kitchen table. Dinner was done and they both sat back in their chairs, taking a few minutes to relax before cleaning up._

 _"Anna, you know how we are looking at the hotel to possibly buy?"_

 _She nodded._

 _"What about a café instead? This would leave us more free time and we wouldn't have to live where we work."_

 _"But I thought the extra savings by not having a house would offset the payments for the hotel."_

 _"And you would be right. But we don't have to follow that option. We can afford not to."_

 _"But how, John?"_

 _He sighed and braced himself. He had kept one final secret from Anna. Not out of malice, but as a fall back plan in case he ever found himself unemployed or infirm because of his leg. He wanted to have something in place for her just in case._

 _"Anna, you know I have always struggled to find work since I came home injured from the war. It became even harder after my first imprisonment. Then I found a place at Downton and even that was tenuous at first."_

 _"I brought you the tray and you were so upset. It was so unfair."_

 _"I will never forget your kindness that evening. We became friends and more during the time after Robert decided to keep me on. The last trip I made home before my mother passed, I confessed everything to her. Vera's meddling, how you stole my heart, all the mistakes I made in my life. I told her my plans for our future and asked for her guidance. I didn't want to screw things up even more than I had. I told her that I wanted to keep Vera away from any inheritance I might one day have and she agreed while heartedly. So my mother and I met with Robert's lawyer and moved most of my mother's assets into Robert's name. We left enough to try and secure the divorce, but put the remaining funds into an account and the deed to the house in Robert's name. Once she did pass, the house was sold and the money for me was transferred. Even if the divorce went badly or didn't occur at all, my mother's money would be untouchable for her and would go to you after all the legalities were settled and Vera crawled back into the hole from whence she came."_

 _He could see Anna trying to wrap her head around this. He wondered if now this would be a problem for them. Soldiering on, he continued his tale._

 _"As you know, I continued to make all the wrong decisions for myself and landed in more than a lot of trouble. During that time, Robert asked me what to do about the money now that Vera and my mother were both gone. I asked him to keep it in an account for you and he did so. When I was released and our lives settled down into a routine, he asked again about the money. It was quite a sum, since he told me he had been adding my wages to it while I was in prison. Knowing that I could one day be incapacitated, I left it alone as a backup plan. When we left Downton, I told him it was time and we did all the paperwork to move the money into an account in my name. So now, Anna, I will share with you everything we have and we can sit down together and decide what we want to do."_

 _He could tell that she was upset and rightfully so, he supposed. He could have told her any number of times, but didn't._

 _"John, why? Why keep it from me?"_

 _"Because I didn't trust myself not to use it prematurely. It was my failsafe. For you. For us. I wanted us to be able to exist on what we made together. How many things have I promised you that haven't gone to plan? Haven't come to fruition? This was your security. My way of providing for you no matter what happened in our lives."_

 _"Why now? Why all of a sudden are you telling me all this?"_

 _"Because we are at a crossroads and we no longer have the shelter that Downton provided for us. How many times have I made decisions for us without consulting you? Plenty, but that was at a time where we weren't married and I knew that I had to protect you and your reputation. But now, we are married and finally on our own and I know that any decision we make we should make together and with all the facts. I just hope that you won't be too upset."_

 _She was silent for some time, no doubt trying to wrap her head around this latest revelation._

 _"I understand, I think, why you didn't say anything about it before we were married and even after your imprisonment while we were still at the Abbey. But why didn't you tell me that night. The night we swore there would be no more secrets."_

 _"It didn't occur to me in that moment. Our confessions, our demons, our guilt…none of that had anything to do with finances. Anna, if it had crossed my mind, I would've told you that too. I didn't hide it at that point intentionally. In fact, I only remembered I would have to change things again when I turned in notice and Robert asked about it. So I figured I would wait until we started exploring what we wanted to do and here we are."_

 _His eyes followed Anna as she got up from the table and sat on his lap._

 _"I love you, John Bates."_

 _End Flashback_

All in all, Anna wasn't too upset with him, especially after all they'd gone through, realizing that he was doing it to provide for her. They spoke about it at length and then decided to use part of the money as a down payment for the café. They had purchased a small place that was within a short walking distance to the café and thanks to the extra money they could afford both.

It was so nice for them both to be able to have afternoons and evenings off together. To be able to eat at a normal dinner hour. To be able to run errands or go into town together. It was a luxury they weren't going to take for granted.

He startled at Anna's hands on his shoulders, so lost in thought he didn't hear her arrival. She kissed him on the cheek, set the paper bag with lunch down and settled in beside him. He smiled at her, completely happy with their new life.

"Sorry I'm running a bit late. I got some unexpected news."

"Is everything ok, Anna?"

"Yes. You know how I've been really tired lately. I decided to go see the doctor. He says we're going to have a baby John!"

John was speechless. After it hadn't happened for them in the first couple years at the cottage, he accepted that it probably wouldn't happen for them at all.

"Oh Anna. That's wonderful news. The best even."

Leaning over, he gently put his hand on her belly and whispered to their child.

"We love you little one."

He looked up at his wife, tears in her eyes and her fingers in his hair.

"I love you, Anna Bates. You're going to be a wonderful mum."

Shifting upward, they reclined next to one another having forgot about lunch. They spoke of plans and names and how everything would change now for the better.

Fin.


End file.
